Transforming lives

How to develop resilience.

Fri, 03 Apr 2026 05:00:00 GMT

Learning how to bounce forward after a knockback.

Resilience is often described as the ability to bounce back from adversity. I like to think of it as the ability to bounce forward – as challenging situations help us grow, we don’t go back to where we were before, we change, move on and hopefully, if we’re resilient, become a stronger version of ourselves. Resilience helps us flex and adapt to life’s disruptions. Like a plant that grows through the cracks in the pavement, we find new ways to flourish whatever the barriers.

Our resilience grows when we face challenges, knockbacks, or failures. These may be small knockbacks experienced as children, failing to get a part in the school play, not being picked for a sports team, or bigger challenges we face as adults, such as, a redundancy, divorce, or bereavement.

Other things that help build resilience are:

Perspective – how good are you at seeing things from another perspective?

Support /Connection – How effective are you at supporting yourself, being your own best friend? How connected are you to others? Able to ask for and offer support to others?

Optimism – Are you generally a glass half full or a glass half empty person? Optimistic people are more resilient.

Energy Management – How good are you at managing your own energy levels, and refuelling when you need to?

Emotional Self Control – How effective are you at managing your emotions? Do you find yourself losing your temper and flying off the handle or perhaps being moody and withdrawn?

Humour – How often are you able to see the funny side of things, or use humour to defuse a situation?

Self-efficacy – How much control do you feel you have in your life, to make your own choices at work, or home?

Here are some simple tips to help with develop your resilience muscle, try practicing them regularly to embed them into your daily life:

• Take Deep Breaths (emotional self-control/energy management)

• Acknowledge and name your emotions (emotional self-control)

• Connect with nature – go for a walk (energy management/perspective)

• Listen to music/ podcast (energy management/humour)

• Do some physical exercise, get out of breath (energy management/emotional self-control)

• Remember a time when you were resilient in the past, How can this help you now? (perspective)

• Connect with others, organise a phone or video call (support/connection/ humour)

• Take time off to re-charge (energy management)

• Start a gratitude journal – write 3 positive things that happen each day (perspective/optimism)

• Be your own best friend (Support/ perspective)

• Focus on what you can control not what you can’t (self-efficacy)

• Practice meditation / mindfulness (perspective/emotional self-control)

• Develop and keep to a routine (self-efficacy)

Which jelly baby are you?

Mon, 02 Mar 2026 06:00:02 GMT

Developing a check-in habit.

How often do you get asked “How are you?” and answer honestly? For many of us the stock response is, “I’m fine.” It’s second nature to brush the question off before moving onto what we need to speak about. But really checking in with ourselves is important. Failing to do so can lead to difficult emotions being suppressed, leading to a build-up of anger, sadness or frustration. Blocking feelings may feel easier in the short term, (who wants to acknowledge they’re sad?) but over time, repressed emotions lead to depression or other mental health problems.

Getting into a daily habit of checking in with yourself is like learning to brush your teeth. When you’re a young child you need to be shown, supervised and constantly reminded to clean your nashers, but then it becomes habit and you do it without thinking. Emotional check-ins are the same. Perhaps you had parents who cared about your wellbeing and always checked in with before bedtime, or perhaps you have good friends who know when your ‘I’m fine” isn’t fine at all. But perhaps your parents were busy, or not emotionally aware, and your friends are preoccupied with their own lives, and no one is noticing or asking how you are.

Rather that focusing on what others have not done or are not doing for you, why not take control, and take notice of yourself? Find a time when you can reflect, whether it’s five minutes on waking, or thirty minutes before sleep. A check-in could involve writing in a daily journal, reflecting on how you feel about the day’s events, or it might be a breathing or meditation exercise, being present with your body, your emotions and what comes up, or, looking at the ‘Jelly Baby’ tree and thinking about which Jelly baby best reflects how you’re feeling. Thinking why you feel like this and what you’d like to do going forward. The Jelly baby tree is also great to use with kids, family members and colleagues, as a fun way to check in with others.

By regularly checking in with yourself and others you’ll increase your self-awareness, you’ll encourage intimacy and strengthen your relationships. Much miscommunication between couples, friends and family, is due to people not realising what others are feeling. A regular check-in can reduce assumptions, defensiveness and tension in relationships. In our household, we always try to check-in with each other over dinner, asking how each others’ day has been and how we’re feeling. My partner and I have a weekly check-in, diarised so we don’t forget, at a time we can talk without children interrupting, to go more in-depth into how we’re feeling and to discuss any niggles we might feel bubbling up in the relationship. People say a relationship is a garden and it needs tending. Our daily check-in waters that garden, and our weekly check-in is the regular weeding and pruning.

If you feel you need help learning how to recognise your emotions, (and I certainly did when I first started self-reflecting– it’s nothing to be ashamed of), or support with managing challenging feelings, why not seek the help of a professional; a therapist, counsellor or coach? They can hold your metaphorical hand as you become more self-aware and support you with difficult emotions.

How to act when you feel stuck

Mon, 02 Feb 2026 06:00:00 GMT

An exercise to get you doing!

We all have those days when you know what you want but you don’t know how to get there. When disappointment tinges the edges of your consciousness because you can’t quite work out how to move forward. How to break your inertia. You feel stuck. Going in circles. But there is a way out of the quicksand. You do have the power in you to find the answers. And it’s not necessarily by asking Google.

Finding the solutions, finding the breakthrough, is all about accessing the unconscious, throwing out ideas, any ideas, bad as well as good, stupid as well as clever. By brainstorming and coming up with as many solutions as possible we find the grain of gold amongst the mountain of sand. Don’t stop after three ideas, that’s just scraping the thinking off the tip of your conscious mind, keep going and going, till you’re digging deep, that is where the solutions lie. Which is why as a coach, my favourite question is “and what else?” repeated time after time.

So, if you haven’t got a coaching session booked, and you want to unstick yourself from your inertia, try the following exercise. By brainstorming new ideas you’ll move closer to your goal or habit change. Do your best to come up with at least five actions or behaviours and then complete the following questions. Remember that in brainstorming just because you write it down doesn’t mean to say you have to do it! You’re looking for potential ideas to move you forwards.

1. Why are you brainstorming actions? What is your goal? I want to……

2. Now thinking about your goal, write down 5 things you could STOP doing.

3. 5 things you could do LESS of.

4. 5 things you could KEEP doing.

5. 5 things you could DO MORE of.

6. 5 things you could START doing.

Once you’ve finished the above, circle or underline the actions you like, or will do. Write down a day and a time in the near future when you will do them.

Do let me know how you get on and if you want more help getting unstuck, contact me for a free 15 minute consultation.

Overcome self-sabotage

Fri, 02 Jan 2026 06:00:02 GMT

Four simple steps to stop self-sabotage

Do you find yourself sabotaging professional or personal relationships? Or perhaps messing up an opportunity that could lead you to your goal? Self-sabotage is intentional or unintentional behaviour, thoughts or actions that prevent you from growing, personally or professionally, that inhibits your success or wellbeing. It’s a self-destructive pattern that stems from subconscious beliefs, fears and negative self-talk. In my last blog post I shared an exercise that can help with the inner critic and today, I’m going to share a simple method to help you overcome self-sabotage.

This exercise comes from Struthless, a YouTuber with over 969K subscribers. Once he was a drug addict but he turned his life around and is now an illustrator, author and co-runs an animation studio. In this video he explains that self-sabotage often stems from childhood experiences that create negative self-worth, such as being ignored or abused as a parent. These negative beliefs conflict with reality, where the person is successful, leading to a cycle of self-sabotage. He then shares a four step practice to overcoming self-sabotage by sitting with negative feelings and addressing the root cause of negative self-worth. I thought it was worth sharing with you.

Some of the thoughts that come up during this practice might be intense and uncomfortable. I encourage you to practice self compassion towards yourself.

Step 1: Recognize the core beliefs you hold about yourself are not facts.

The goal of this step is to recognize the negative beliefs you have about yourself and work to shift those thoughts into positive ones.

1. Make a chart with two columns on a piece of paper

2. Title the first column “Negative core beliefs” and the second column “The opposite”

3. In the first column, write down 3-5 negative beliefs you hold about yourself. These beliefs are ones that, rationally, you know are not true but on some level, you believe them.

4. In the second column, write down the opposite of each of the beliefs you listed in the first column. This might feel cheesy and awkward, but remember, no one is judging you.

Step 2: Find evidence for each belief and its opposite.

The goal of this step is to dive into the reasons you hold these negative self-beliefs and work to provide reasons you should actually believe the opposite.

1. Create a chart with four columns on a piece of paper

2. At the top of the first column, write down one of the beliefs you listed out in step 1 as a why question. For example, for an “I deserve to be rejected” belief, you would write down “Why I deserve to be rejected”

3. At the top of the third column, write down the opposite of that belief that you determined in step one as a why question. For example, “Why I deserve to be accepted”

4. For both of these columns, write down the evidence for those beliefs

5. At the top of the second and fourth columns write “The consequence that I’d bet money on”

6. In these two columns, think rationally and write down the consequence of each of the pieces of evidence you listed out. For example, the consequence of people finding out how weird you are is most likely acceptance.

Step 3: Make an actionable final list of triggers, feelings, and actions.

The goal of this step is to recognize negative thought patterns that you have and work to interrupt those patterns and break the cycle of self-sabotage.

1. Create a chart with three columns

2. Title the first column “positive experience” and the second column “negative feelings”

3. In the first column write down a positive experience you have had and in the second column, write down the negative feelings that arose during it.

4. Now, title the third column “next time I will remind myself that the reality is” and write down the positive self-talk you will say to yourself in response to the negative feelings you had

Step 4: Treat yourself like someone you love.

The goal of this step is to help you learn to love yourself in the same way you love those close to you.

If your friend was succeeding in their career, would you tell them to quit their job? If your partner came home after having a bad day, would you remind them that they deserve it? If your child was doing well in school, would you tell them it was a fluke? No! You would never say these things to your loved ones. But, do you find yourself saying things like this to yourself? If you were someone you love, you would be forgiving and understanding to yourself.

1. On a piece of paper, write down some changes that you want to make

2. Next, write down why you deserve them

For more detail and examples, watch the video “ Self Sabotage: Why you do it & How to Overcome it ” by Struthless’ . I hope this exercise helps you.

Call out that inner critic!

Fri, 05 Dec 2025 06:00:00 GMT

A simple exercise to get you laughing at negative self-talk

Do you struggle with your negative inner voice? Do you find that every time you start something new, or make a step towards a long-held goal, a critical inner voice chirps up? If so, you’re not alone. We all have an inner critic, and annoying though it is, it’s important to recognise it does valuable work. Your inner critic protects you from the pain of failure, it keeps you safe, it keeps you in your comfort zone and it’s super comfy there, right? But for the same reasons, it can hold you back, prevent you from growing, for we develop and blossom when we’re stretched, when we’re uncomfortable. We learn from pain. Plus, sometimes that inner critic is downright mean!

Formed from a combination of opinions from our youth (our parents, our teachers, our sports coach), our brain has held onto any negative comment it can remember. We’re designed to do this, to remember the bad, that ability has saved us from sabre tooth tigers in the past. But constantly remembering negative feedback can reduce your confidence, increase your fear, and demolish your motivation.

One of the best ways to quieten the inner critic is to laugh at it. Jamie Catto, author, film-maker, and musician, includes a great exercise for laughing at your inner critic, in his book, Insanely Gifted (definitely worth a read if you get the chance).

Why not give it a try and have a giggle at your inner critic?

You’ll need a quiet space, 25-30 minutes and some pen and paper.

1. Sit in a relaxed position, with your eyes closed if you feel comfortable doing so, and just listen to what your body is telling you, for three minutes.

2. Pick up your pen and write in your inner critic’s voice for five minutes with no judgement and no stopping.

3. Read out your inner critic monologue in one of the following voices – chosen at random. If possible, record yourself, so you can listen back to yourself. Do at least two voices, and ideally three. One of the voices has to be the cheesy game show host.

Voices:

A. Porn star in the middle of a scene

B. Spoilt whining child

C. Cheesy game show host

D. Drunk/stoned person

E. Fascist dictator

4. Listen back to the recording if you have one. Are you laughing yet? Can you really take this inner critic seriously?

If you can stop laughing, write some alternative, positive comments on your paper. Thank your inner critic for protecting you but tell it, it isn’t needed any more. The inner critic comments are not the problem, it is our attitude to hearing the comments. By taking them personally we allow them to have power over us. By laughing them off we empower ourselves. If you want to continue working on your inner critic check out Byron Katie’s website (link on my resources page ) where she shares exercises you can work through. Or contact me for a free 15 minute consultation to discuss how coaching can help you.

Add exercise to therapy to make it more effective

Mon, 03 Nov 2025 06:00:00 GMT

How getting moving helps mental processing

If you’re working on your mental health by visiting a counsellor or therapist regularly, it may be worth upping your regular exercise too. A variety of research reviews, such as this one published in 2020, show that mixing mental-health treatment and a specific physical activity plan can lead to increased benefits for both physical and mental health. Some therapists may integrate nature into their appointments, combining sessions with a walk or forest bathing. Kids and teenagers may have therapy appointments whilst shooting hoops to help them open up or feel less self-conscious, but these type of sessions are not typical. However, combining traditional talking therapies with movement may well lead to better outcomes. For some, who might feel nervous when faced with a counsellor, therapist or coach, it may also help people feel more at ease whilst being active.

When I’m coaching teenagers, I often find a walk and talk approach is more productive. And being in nature can often help clients relax and make associations that might not have come to them in a therapy room or in front of a computer screen. Though there’s a lot more research to be done on combining exercise with talking therapies, recent research reviews have concluded mental-health treatments are more effective when combined with physical activity. It’s not that the therapy has to be combined with exercise, though this is one option, the activities can be staggered, such as attending a coaching session then going for a run. It’s just that the combination gives added benefits.

Exercise has a strong effect on mental health. Whether it’s the feel-good endorphins, the stimulation of nerve growth in the brain , helping cognitive health, the improvement of depressive symptons and better sleep, all positively impact our mood. The World Health Organisation’s 2017 report states if everyone in the EU got at least 150 minutes of weekly exercise, there would be 3.5 million fewer new cases of depression by 2050 – that’s 10% less than currently.

It doesn’t matter what type of exercise you choose, the most effective is one you like. Exercise that includes a social element and is neither too challenging or too easy is the best to aim for. Personally, I love a bit of resistance training, and my local history run group, where a group of mums run for 5-10k, stopping often to hear snippets of local history, and where all running is done at chatting pace. A work out, a catch up and increased local knowledge, all at the same time. Leaves me with a smile on my face every time.

Managing your attention in a world of distraction

Mon, 04 Nov 2024 06:00:00 GMT

How to increase your focus

Since reading my last post on introducing more silence to your life you’ve developed greater creativity and concentration and are never distracted by noise, right? Don’t worry, I’m only kidding!

Focusing your mind when surrounded by distraction is challenging even for the most experienced practitioners of mindfulness. But don’t fret, managing your attention is a skill that you can develop. The more aware you are of where your attention goes, the more capacity you’ll have to manage it. Once you start observing where it goes, you’ll see it moves with or without your conscious involvement. Your attention could suddenly move to how your body feels, whether happy or sad, or a raised heartbeat or the heat of a drink of tea on your tongue. Your attention might be caught by sounds in your environment, a phone ringing, typing on a keyboard, birdsong outside the window. Or your thoughts might dominate, “Can’t believe what I need to do before lunchtime” etc.

Start small, focusing for a few minutes a day on where your attention goes. Ask yourself, “Where is my attention right now? On my body, the world, or my thoughts? Notice when your attention drifts and non-judgementally bring it back to being still in the present. By doing this over and over, for longer periods of time, you’ll increase your ability to direct your attention where you want it. To help bring yourself to the present moment, focus on a bodily sensation, such as breathing, or on one of your senses, such as touch, taste, sight, sound, or smell. By practicing strengthening your attention you’ll start spending more time in the present moment. This will help you become more focussed, reduce your stress levels, and improve your productivity. It’ll also help you reduce the amount of time you ruminate on past events or worry about future ones, improving your overall wellbeing.

Don’t be too hard on yourself. No one can be in the present all the time. No one, not even a Zen master, can be aware of their attention all the time. Just by trying and becoming more aware of where your attention goes will create a positive shift in your life. Small steps of awareness are the key.

Self-reflection exercises

Fri, 21 Jun 2024 15:27:41 GMT

10 Journaling Prompts for Mental Health

In my last blog post I wrote about the benefits of journalling. The beauty of journalling is that you can write about anything you want, without having to consider structure, grammar, or writing style. It’s a time and place for you. However, if you struggle to think what to write, you might find it useful to reflect on the following writing prompts to support your wellbeing.

All of the prompts are coaching questions rewritten for journalling, to get you thinking about your life, how you feel about yourself and to encourage you to focus on what you want from life and how best to go about achieving that. Take one at a time and dive deep. You’ll be amazed at what comes out as you let the words flow.

1. Identify Things You're Grateful For.

2. Write a List of Your Coping Mechanisms.

3. Describe a Goal.

4. Write About How Different You Were Five Years Ago.

5. Write How You’d Like to Be Remembered.

6. Write a List of All the Things You Love About Your Life.

7. Write a Letter to Your Body.

8. List and Describe Your Emotions.

9. Write About How You'd Describe Yourself to a Stranger.

10. Write a letter of advice to yourself as if from a friend.

If you do this exercise, do let me know how you get on!

Journalling for wellbeing

Fri, 21 Jun 2024 15:26:53 GMT

Writing for wellbeing

Maybe you kept a diary as a teenager, maybe you write notes in your phone at times of stress. Writing down your thoughts and feelings, known as journalling, can help you understand them better, can help you reflect on patterns of behaviour, or can just get the stress from out of your head and onto the page. It can help you gain control of your emotions and improve your mental health.

Journaling can help you:

• Manage anxiety

• Reduce stress

• Cope with depression

Journaling helps control your symptoms and improve your mood by:

• Helping you prioritize problems, fears, and concerns

• Tracking any symptoms day-to-day so that you can recognize triggers and learn ways to better control them

• Providing an opportunity for positive self-talk and identifying negative thoughts and behaviours

It can also help you identify what’s causing your stress or anxiety and help you create a plan to resolve your problems.

Try these journalling tips:

• Try to write regularly, whether it’s every day at night, or once a week. Set a reminder in your phone or download a journal app that sends you reminders.

• Make it easy. Keep a pen and notebook in a handy place or keep your journal on your smartphone.

• Write or draw whatever feels right. Your journal doesn't need to follow any certain structure. It's your own private place to let the words and ideas flow freely. Don't worry about spelling mistakes or what others might think.

• Use your journal as you see fit. You don't have to share your journal with anyone. If you do want to share some of your thoughts with trusted friends and loved ones, you could show them parts of your journal.

Keeping a journal helps you create order when your world feels like it’s in chaos. You get to know yourself by revealing your most private fears, thoughts, and feelings. Look at your writing time as personal relaxation time. It's a time when you can de-stress and wind down. Write in a place that's relaxing and soothing, maybe with a cup of tea. Look forward to your journaling time knowing that you're doing something good for your mind and body.

Learning to stay when all you want to do is run

Fri, 21 Jun 2024 15:25:49 GMT

How to cope with loss

Whether it’s the loss of a loved one, loss of a job, loss of an imagined future, we can all struggle when faced with grief, challenging circumstances, an unpredictable world, inequality and an environment in crisis. Sometimes it can be hard to stay positive. Sometimes life can feel pointless, a fog descends and we have no motivation to do anything. At these darkest times, it’s important to note that even in tragedy and helplessness, we do have a deep capacity for hope. That sometimes we have to hit the bottom of the barrel, before we consider changing. There have been times when I’ve felt life couldn’t get any worse, but when I’ve looked back on those times, it was at those low points that I made decisions that led to deep change resulting in positive outcomes.

“ Growth comes at the point of resistance. We learn by pushing ourselves and finding what really lies at the outer reaches of our abilities .”

The Art of Learning, Josh Waitzkin

Pema Chödrön, a Buddhist nun and bestselling author, teaches that, “ The source of our unease is the unfillable longing for a lasting certainty and security, for something solid to hold onto .” It’s very human to want something certain, knowable, solid to hang onto. It’s hard to hold uncertainty in your life, but it is also very normal. Pema teaches a method called ‘learning to stay.’ A mindfulness skill we can practice to increase our ability to work with ourselves in moments we’d rather not look at at all.

It's simple, though not easy, this ‘learning to stay’ method. Read through the following steps and consider using them the rest of the week as an experiment.

Acknowledge a situation where you’re stuck or triggered by trauma or loss. To be human is to be triggered.
As you reflect on this situation, pause to notice your breathing. Note the quality of your breath – is it short, jagged, even or smooth? Fully feel the energy of your experience.
Get curious about your sensing self by dropping into every one of your senses: taste, smell, sight, hearing, touch, and your inner, or interoceptive sense too.
Notice what thoughts arise? In other words, how you’re talking to yourself.
Ditto with feelings.
Stay with your experience, noticing any itch to move away from it. Feel your energy, noting its ebb and flow. Be with it, embrace this experience fully (it doesn’t matter if you like it or not, as it’s already occurring in the present moment).
Lastly, choose to release your experience, letting go of any tension with your next exhalation (your stuckness, discomfort, thoughts).

If you’re going through a difficult time, remember to be kind to yourself. By showing yourself compassion you’ll cope with the situation better. I wish you well in your challenges.

Art exercises to help wellbeing

Fri, 21 Jun 2024 15:24:57 GMT

Creativity that supports your mental health

Our lives are filled with things we ‘have to’ do, things we feel we ‘should’ do, which often doesn’t leave much time for fun or relaxing activity. Choosing to engage in simple, playful and intuitive art activities can encourage relaxation and mindfulness – bringing our focus to the present moment, away from stress and worrying thoughts.

The following activities can be done by anyone, young or old, total beginner or experienced artist. Their aim is to relax and inspire.

1. Take your pen for a walk

You will need: a pen; coloured pens or pencils; paper

Using a pen or felt-tip, let go of structured thinking and draw one fluid, continuous line on your paper, making abstract shapes as you go. When you have finished, observe what you’ve drawn. Can you see any familiar outlines? Fill the shapes with block colour or patterns using coloured pencils or pens.

2. Mindful painting

You will need: a selection of coloured paints; brushes, sponges and mark-making equipment; paper

Try to switch off your mind and follow your intuition for this activity – you may find that your thoughts and feelings are expressed through the image you create.

Set out a selection of coloured paints and some different sized brushes, sponges and other mark-making equipment (an old toothbrush and other household items make great additions). With your paper in front of you, reach for the first colour you are drawn to and choose what to paint with. Begin to paint, using any technique you are comfortable with. Try not to think too much about the process – approach it in a playful way. Continue to create colour, texture, pattern and shape, experimenting with brush strokes and repetition as you go.

3. Draw in response to music

You will need: instrumental music of your choice; art materials, such as pastels, paint, coloured pencils or pens; paper

This activity uses music to inspire art. Choose a piece of music you enjoy – any style, from classical to jazz, is perfect, with instrumental pieces working best. When you’ve chosen your music, set out your paper and drawing or painting materials, using a selection of colours.

You might prefer to listen to the music without drawing first, or you might want to begin straight away. As you listen to the music let your response flow onto the paper, connecting the sound with the visual. Notice the tempo, instruments and feelings that are evoked and the images that come to mind.

4. Collage

You will need: a base (thick cardboard or a canvas are both ideal); PVA glue; a selection of images, paper and objects

Collages can take the form of any theme and involve collecting, arranging and sticking paper or other materials onto a base of any shape. Here are some ideas:

• An ‘all about me’ or autobiographical collage could incorporate images and objects that have a personal meaning – for example, photographs, travel tickets, drawings, cut-out images and text.

• Try creating a calming collage using colours, patterns, images and words that you find soothing. You might paint your own coloured paper to add to your collage, or you could find patterns and images in brochures, magazines and photographs.

• Create a picture using collage, for example an animal or landscape.

Paper can be cut or ripped to add different textures to your collage. A final coat of PVA glue over your collage will make it more durable. See my blog post How collage can help your wellbeing for further detail on how collage can support your mental health.

Happy creating!

How creativity regulates emotions

Fri, 21 Jun 2024 15:23:39 GMT

How artistic practices are emotional regulation strategies.

If I’m feeling angry, upset or confused, I pick up my pen and write in my journal. If I’m looking to escape stress, I’ll take out my watercolours and paint. When I want to explore an idea, I’ll formulate a story or carve out a lino print. My daughter will write a poem when overcome with strong emotions. This is second nature to us and maybe to you too. But have you ever thought about why creativity is such a good conduit for emotions? How can creativity help us emotionally regulate?

Emotional regulation is the ability to manage our emotions appropriate to the environment we’re in, enabling us to fully participate in daily life. Being able to emotionally regulate appropriately can significantly impact our mental health. A research study conducted by Fancourt, Garnett, Spiro, West and Mullensiefen, from University College, London, Goldsmiths and the Royal College of Music, in 2018 researched how artistic creative activities helped with emotional regulation. Emotional regulation strategies are processes that influence the intensity, duration and type of emotion expressed. Sometimes these are seen as healthy such as reappraising, problem solving and acceptance or unhealthy such as avoidance, rumination or suppression but research has not clearly proven whether all are healthy or unhealthy consistently. However, different neural networks are engaged in each case. For example, detachment, distraction and suppression increase brain activation in the same regions of the right fronto-parietal network, reducing activation of the left amygdala, while reinterpretation involves different neural networks. In studies publicised by the BBC, including the Great British Creative Test in March 2018 with over 48,000 participants, these researchers found that creativity led to three main emotional regulation strategies:

1. Avoidance – helping people avoid and disengage from unwanted feelings or thoughts.

2. Approach – helping people accept, reappraise, discharge or problem solve, helping people come to terms with their emotions.

3. Self-development – through self-identify, increased self-esteem and improved agency.

The research showed people who made greater use of the ‘self-development strategies’ when engaging in artistic creative activities were more likely to use cognitive reappraisal strategies in their daily lives (such as rationalising stressful situations and trying to rethink their approach to negative events) and were less likely to suppress their emotions (such as by keeping emotions to themselves). The research has shown that artistic creative activities affect our emotions through a number of emotional regulation strategies and as emotional regulation is central to our mental health, these activities can be an effective way to manage our mood.

To read the complete research reports and accompanying data, see the original article . Meanwhile, what creative activities help you regulate your emotions?

Why self-compassion is good for you.

Fri, 21 Jun 2024 15:23:03 GMT

Nurture yourself and you and others will benefit.

There are scientific studies showing that self-compassionate people have better mental health , adjust better to divorce , are better motivated and have healthier romantic relationships . Practicing self-compassion soothes the fight/flight response and is the perfect antidote to the inner critic. It also yields a number of benefits, including lower levels of anxiety and depression. Self-compassionate people recognize when they are suffering and are kind to themselves at these times, which reduces their anxiety and related depression. (Harvard Medical School)

Kristen Neff, a researcher on self-compassion, psychologist and Professor at the University of Texas, identifies three elements of self-compassion:

1. Self-kindness vs self-judgement – being warm and understanding to ourselves when we suffer or fail or feel inadequate. Accepting with sympathy and kindness that life will have difficulties leads us to greater emotional equanimity.

2. Common humanity vs isolation – recognising that suffering and personal inadequacy is part of the human experience, that we all go through it, rather than something that happens to just “me”.

3. Mindfulness vs over-identification – being mindful where we observe thoughts and feelings as they are without trying to suppress or deny them. Not overidentifying with thoughts and feelings so we get overwhelmed by negative reactions.

Here’s a simple exercise to increase your self-kindness – you can either think it through or write the answers to the following questions in your journal. The final instruction allows you to expand it into a creative exercise if you feel so inclined. Making time for creativity can be one way we can be kind to ourselves.

1. What does being kind to yourself look like?

2. How will you know that you’re being kinder to yourself?

3. What will be different if you were kinder to yourself?

4. If you like to express yourself creatively, write a piece of flash fiction (under 500 words) about a character who changes from being critical of themselves to being self-compassionate or, write a list of 20 words you think of when you hear ‘being kind to yourself’, pick 3 words and weave a poem around them.

For more information on self-compassion and exercises to develop a self-compassion mind-set see the link to Kristen Neff’s website on my resource page . She has some great exercises to help you develop your self-compassion. Try this audio exercise called the Self-Compassion break – it takes just five minutes and is aimed at complete beginners. Alternatively, next time you are in distress or notice yourself thinking critically of yourself, think what you would say to a friend in this situation – often we are far kinder to our friends than ourselves. Another way to increase your self-compassion is to practice a loving kindness meditation, try this ten minute one , by Dr Soph.

White, pink or brown noise and how they can help you

Fri, 21 Jun 2024 15:20:36 GMT

Coloured noises and sound therapy

You may have heard of white noise, but have you heard of pink, brown or other ‘coloured’ noises? Each type of noise has a slightly different range of frequencies played at different volumes. White noise includes all audible frequencies (20Hz-20kHz) played at the same volume, whilst pink noise has a slightly lower frequency range and brown noise lower still. These coloured noises give your brain a steady and boring sound to focus on, helping to block out other distracting noises. Though there is still more research to be done, some think that the different types of noise are better suited for different tasks.

• White noise (think radio static caught between stations) can help people with ADHD reduce off-task behaviour and focus better, especially when reading and writing.

• Researchers claim that brown noise is more enjoyable to listen to which may make it easier to use long-term.

• Pink noise (think sound of rainfall with hint of static) gradually slows brain waves and might be best for stabilising sleep.

• Green sounds, similar to sounds found in nature (like a waterfall), is often more pleasing and therefore more effective at helping you focus and study.

• Blue noise is considered the most annoying as it is at the high end of the spectrum and sounds like hissing water. There is some evidence it can affect your gastric activity.

• All of them, except for blue, are better at improving focus, sleep and relaxation as they are an effective way of entering a meditative state, but science can’t entirely explain why just yet. The neutral noise is similar to a meditation technique as it shifts you from being externally focussed to internally focussed.

It’s possible the noises may have a powerful placebo effect or may change our brain activity directly; science is still working that out. Placebo or not, sound therapy, where you choose one of the above-coloured noises to help you focus, may help you. Sound is a tool that can help you process the world in a different way. If you want to learn more about this topic, read this article from which I’ve summarised the above information, What’s the Difference Between White, Pink and Brown Noise by Hannah Baxter. If you find good pink or green noise tracks, do let me know. I’m always interested in improving my own focus and sleep ability.

Help with managing change.

Fri, 21 Jun 2024 15:19:45 GMT

An exercise to help with managing change.

The one certainty in life is change. Whether it’s moving home, changing job, changing relationship, children coming or going, financial fluctuations, there’s a multitude of changes we face as we journey through life. We can get comfortable in our routines, and when faced by change, chosen or forced upon us, it can feel like a rude awakening. Even changes of our own making take time for readjustment.

I find the following coaching exercise helpful when facing change. It’s good to write the answers down, rather than just think them through, as the act of writing leads to deeper thought, and helps you structure your thoughts and actions. Writing will also encourage you to take time for yourself, encouraging self-care and compassion, both helpful when adjusting to changes in your life. I recommend 20 minutes for the following exercise and encourage you to find a space where you feel safe and will be undisturbed. If the exercise brings up difficult feelings, give yourself some time out afterwards, and do something that nourishes you – whether that’s admiring some flowers, taking a walk, or doing a breathing exercise.

1. Consider a recent change in your life. Maybe one that you’re struggling with, or one that is throwing up complex emotions.

2. List all the positive and challenging emotions related to the change.

3. Consider why you felt like that. What brought up these feelings for you?

4. List all the people and resources you have that can help you cope with changes. Maybe a weekly chat with a friend, practical help from a colleague, updating software to create new systems…

5. How will they help you to cope well with more changes? Write how each person or resource can help you and what further support might be needed.

6. What might you do differently in future? Looking at the people and resources you’ve listed, choose one action you can take and write a time and day when you will do it.

7. If you like creative writing, can you write about your challenge and how you will secure more support as a poem or turn it into a piece of flash fiction? Changing point of view/writing structure can give you perspective, bring humour to a situation and bring up new ideas of how to deal with the situation. For example, imagine you were your favourite TV character, how would they deal with the challenge?

I hope this exercise helps. And if you write a poem or a piece of flash fiction as a result, I’d love to read it!

Making the most of virtual meetings and events

Fri, 21 Jun 2024 15:18:58 GMT

How to be present in a virtual space.

Many of us ‘zoomed out’ during the Covid 19 pandemic, constant meetings, social events via zoom enabled us to stay connected but for many it reduced our lives to a small screen, with a crunched neck and slouched body. Though events have returned to in-person, Zoom and Microsoft Teams have remained, with many still attending work meetings and events this way due to convenience. Afterall, it cuts down the commute, the cost of travel and time, and makes events so much more accessible. However, attending on-line does come at a cost. There’s the danger of distraction, boredom as there’s an easy escape route and what every zoom facilitator dreads, the lack of engagement.

So how can you get more out of virtual meetings/events? Be more present and engaging?

Here’s some tips:

1. Avoid splitting your attention – put your phone out of reach, close down other computer programmes, use the ‘hide self view’ feature so you’re not distracted by your own image. All these things take us out of ourselves and out of the moment.

2. Take deep belly breaths, feel your feet on the ground and your body in chair. Be present in your presence.

3. Notice how the meeting impacts you. Do you feel energised or drained by it? If the latter, take a walk around the block before returning to your tasks. If the former, follow through on thoughts from the meeting rather than the next screen related task.

4. Be curious. Use the time to notice what is happening in you, even if it is uncomfortable. Why is it uncomfortable, what is it you’re avoiding?

5. Reflect on how you interact and engage with others during the meeting. Deep connections are possible via zoom, especially in the intimacy of a breakout room. If we’re present, supportive and engaging, this is more likely to happen.

6. By participating from our home environment, we’re more likely to be relaxed, which can help us be more authentic and create more honest connections.

Whatever your thoughts about virtual meetings/events, the reality is, they’re here to stay. So why not try to make the most of them? Do let me know how you get on and if you have any tips to add to this list.

I offer coaching by zoom and in-person though for those that live outside of Brighton and Hove, zoom is often the best way for both me and the person being coached. If you’re interested in the benefits of coaching or want support to change your life, why not get in touch for your FREE 15-minute consultation?

Why stress can be your friend.

Fri, 21 Jun 2024 15:17:52 GMT

Why a little bit of stress is good for you.

In Kelly McGonigal’s TED talk, the health psychologist urges us to see stress as a positive. We are constantly bombarded by the message that stress is bad for us, that it makes us ill, that it reduces our immune system and leads to further health problems. However, research has shown that if we believe stress is bad for us, then if we experience stress, it can increase our risk of dying. McGonigal quotes a study where those who had experienced a lot of stress in the previous year had a 43% increased risk of death, but only if they believed stress was harmful to their health. Those that didn’t believe stress was harmful were no more likely to die. In fact, they had the lowest risk of dying of anyone in the study, including those with far less stress.

This research shows it’s not stress that is dangerous, but the belief that it is dangerous. McGonigal decided to design a test to see if changing your mind about stress, can change your body’s response to stress. Through putting research participants through a social stress test, doing maths under pressure, participants were taught the stress response was helping the body, preparing it for action. For example, breathing faster helped more oxygen get to the brain. These participants not only did better in the test as a result, and were less stressed and anxious, but their physical stress response changed. Their blood vessels stayed relaxed rather than constricted, a response similar to moments of joy. This biological change could be the difference between a stress induced heart attack and living into old age. How you think about stress could affect your lifespan. See stress as your body’s way of rising to a challenge.

Another stress response is for your body to pump out oxytocin, the ‘cuddle hormone’. It’s the body’s way of getting you to seek out support when times are tough. Oxytocin is a natural anti-inflammatory, helping your blood vessels stay relaxed when experiencing stress, it also helps heart cells regenerate and heal from stress-induced damage. It literally strengthens your heart. Yet another good reason to hug someone! So, your stress response encourages you to reach out and heal yourself.

McGonigal quotes another study that tracked 1000 US adults aged 34 to 93. They were asked about their stress levels and how much time they helped out friends, neighbours and their community. Then looked at their health records for the next 5 years. For those that went through stressful life experiences, such as financial difficulties, family crisis, the increased risk of dying was 30 percent, but those who had spent time caring for others showed absolutely no stress-related increase in dying. Caring for others created personal resilience.

The harmful effect of stress on your health is not inevitable. How you think and act can transform your experience of stress. How you view stress will impact its effect on you. How you choose to interact with others can impact how stress affects you. You can have the power to change the impact of stress on your health. How amazing is that?

If you’re interested in learning more, check out Kelly McGonigal’s full 13 minute talk, you’ll find a link to it on my resources page.

Recovering from a toxic job.

Fri, 21 Jun 2024 15:16:49 GMT

How to move on.

Do you want to leave your job because of a toxic environment? Or maybe you’ve just left? Toxic workplace culture is the number one reason people leave their posts. Whether it is a workplace bully, bitching by the watercooler, or being constantly undermined by colleagues, staying in a toxic work environment can seriously damage your mental health. These experiences can reduce your confidence and self-belief, increase your anxiety and impact sleep and wellbeing.

Unfortunately, I’ve coached numerous clients who’ve had this experience. Those whose managers micromanaged them, failing to believe they were capable of doing their job, others who were criticised whatever they did, some who never got promotion despite their hard work. Some of my clients took their employers to tribunal but more often, the easier course of action, was to leave the job and move on.

But how do you move on?

1. Take responsibility for the decision to leave. This way you have decided to go rather than feeling you’ve been forced out. This empowers you as you’ve chosen to make change in your life.

2. Try to find closure. Rather than mulling over what ifs and if onlys, write a list of all the positives you got from the job, even if all you can think of is ‘I’ve learnt not to stay in a toxic work environment’. Then write a list of all the positives of leaving e.g., “I can find a job with friendly, supportive colleagues,”, “I can use this opportunity to find better paid work,” or “I can find a job that develops my skills” etc.

3. Take control of what you can. You may not have been able to control your past work environment or peoples’ reactions to you, but you can control how you respond to them and the situation. Think about how you will choose to react if you see them again, how will you choose to think about the experience? Will you continue to let past negative experiences impact on how you behave going forward? You may need professional help to overcome your experiences, and it’s important you acknowledge what happened, brushing it under the carpet will just store up problems for later.

4. Plan for triggers. Maybe you have no choice but to continue seeing those who made your life a misery. Maybe you’ll encounter the people, the building, or the environment. Plan how you will deal with this. What support do you need to help you cope?

5. Savor the positive moments. Focus on the positive, however small. Whether it is counting the days till you leave the job. Counting the days since you left the job. Observing small growths in your confidence as you heal. Recognise that you’re moving on. It may be slow, but time really does heal and with patience and self-compassion you can rise above it all and become more resilient. Soon you’ll be flying high again.

How to reframe

Fri, 21 Jun 2024 15:11:55 GMT

Turning a negative into a positive.

Evolution is mostly wonderful; it developed our brains, opposable thumbs, created a nervous system that keeps us safe, but sometimes, what kept us safe in the past can hold us back in the present. The human tendency to focus on the negative was very useful when it protected us from eating berries that previously made us sick but is less helpful when our minds obsess over a critical comment or a perceived failure.

As a coach, I support people in reframing beliefs that are no longer helpful. Ones such as, “ I was never any good at sports at school ”, that stops you going to the gym. Or “ I never succeed at anything ”, preventing you from writing the book you’ve always wanted to write. “ I’m terrible at interviews, ” which keeps you in a job you hate. So how do coaches change the way you think? It’s all in the questions we ask, the deep thinking we get you to do, the way we reflect on what you say, getting you to really hear what you think and asking whether that’s accurate. This takes time, work, and challenges to embed new, more positive beliefs. In the meantime, here’s some tips to help you reframe a problem.

The old reframing cliché is to see every problem as an opportunity. So how do you find innovative solutions to your problem/new opportunity?

1. Rethink the question – if the problem is “ How can I pay for the course when I don’t have the money? ”, you’re assuming you need the course. By changing the question to, “How can I learn the information I need for free?” will create a different set of solutions.

2. Brainstorm bad ideas – we always feel pressured to come up with good ideas, but if you’re open to all ideas, you’re more likely to come up with something you’ve not thought of. Also, bad ideas can create good ideas by rethinking them, so next time, 'think outside the box'.

3. Unpack your assumptions. This can be hard as assumptions are deeply engrained. Take your problem and challenge its perceived limitations or rules. When I was running Creative Future, we wanted to put underrepresented artists work in galleries, but no gallery would accept us at first. So, we thought of other ways to show artwork, in libraries, in a portable miniature replica of the Tate Modern, the size of a garden shed. Our quirky exhibitions attracted thousands of visitors and soon galleries were getting in touch with us to feature our artists’ work.

What problem would you like to reframe? Do the steps above and see if they help you. If you’re still struggling and would like help with reframing, do get in touch for a free consultation .

Making the most of our limited time

Fri, 07 Jun 2024 05:00:00 GMT

This is a subtitle for your new post

In my last blog post, I outlined how to find purpose and meaning in life. But with such limited time, how do we manage to follow our passions when day to day commitments get in our way? Oliver Burkeman tackles this tricky issue in his book Four Thousand Weeks . The title refers to the average length of our lives if we live eighty years. If you’re forty, you only have two thousand weeks, and if you’re sixty, one thousand weeks. Our time is finite yet many of us spend life ignoring the fact. Time management is a skill few of us master and is the best way to live life organising every minute, squeezing productivity out of every second? Burkeman, a self-declared productivity guru, admits it’s impossible to master your time and eloquently explains why you shouldn’t make it a priority anymore.

By constantly trying to squeeze more into our limited time, we increase the pressure on ourselves, and often experience stress and anxiety as a result. We enjoy life less by trying to do more. The lesson here is to stop structuring your life, leave time for daydreaming, spontaneous activities and enjoying life.

Everyone procrastinates, it’s a healthy part of being productive. It’s impossible to be productive every minute of the day. Procrastination helps the brain rest between tasks, just make sure that after a period of procrastination you go back to your highest priority task, and don’t try to multi-task, you’ll get less done. Do one task at a time then move onto the next. By breaking tasks down into small chunks you’ll finish things faster. With any spare time you have, don’t find a new project to do, take time to rest, reflect and reset. Do something that brings you pleasure, whether that’s a hobby, exercise, and/or spending time with loved ones. Learn to relax. Spending more time on leisure activities will boost your productivity in the long run.

When working out what to spend time on, Burkeman quotes Warren Buffett, who tells a man who asks his advice to, “ make a list of the top twenty-five things he wants out of life and then to arrange them in order, from the most important to the least". The top five, Buffett says, should be those around which he organises his time…. the remaining twenty, Buffett allegedly explains, aren’t the second-tier priorities to which he should turn when he gets the chance. Far from it. In fact, they’re the ones he should actively avoid at all costs – " because they’re the ambitions insufficiently important to him to form the core of his life yet seductive enough to distract him from the ones that matter most .” Burkeman goes on to quote Elizabeth Gilbert, “ You need to learn how to start saying no to things you do want to do, with the recognition that you have only one life .” That is the real challenge. Leaning to say no to things we don’t want to do can often be hard enough.

Coaching can help you work out your priorities and in learning to say no. In the meantime, I highly recommend reading Burkeman’s book, it definitely changed my life!

For a link to Four Thousand Weeks, check out my resources page .

How to increase your passion and purpose in life

Fri, 03 May 2024 05:00:00 GMT

How to ffeel motivated in life

Do you find yourself stuck in a rut? Bored of your life. Waking up each day thinking ‘same old, same old?’ Sometimes life can feel like a treadmill, doing the same things in the same order, day in day out. I often hear clients speak like this when they’re middle aged, doing the same job for several years, when weighed down by caring responsibilities. And sometimes I hear it from young people, teenagers who feel lost, not sure what to do and overwhelmed by choice. Frozen by the pressure of having to choose a ‘career’. So how do you reignite the passion in your life or find it in the first place?

Victor Frankl, the psychiatrist and Holocaust survivor who wrote the brilliant book, Man’s Search for Meaning wrote “ Those who have a ‘why’ to live, can bear with almost any ‘how’ .” So how do you find your why? How do you feel motivated, with a sense of purpose?

I run a workshop called ‘Rediscovering Your Purpose’ which over the course of three hours, enables participants to explore what excites them, helps clarify goals and create an action plan. One exercise that focuses the mind on what we want to achieve, is to write what you’d love to hear someone say about you – either once you have died, or as if they were giving you a lifetime achievement award. If this appeals to you, take ten minutes to write the obituary or the speech, putting all modesty aside. It’s amazing how this exercise distils what’s really important and what you’d like to be remembered for.

I also get people to complete Adam Leipzig’s, ‘How to know your life purpose in 5 minutes’ exercise, based on his 2013 TEDx talk. Leipzig is an American film producer, responsible for Dead Poets Society and March of the Penguins. Take fifteen minutes, three minutes per question, to answer the following:

1. Who am I?

2. What do I do (what do I love to do)?

3. Who do I do it for?

4. What do they want or need?

5. What happens for these people, how do they change, as a result?

Meaning in life comes from how our actions impact others. By supporting others, we bring out the best in ourselves, which motivates and inspires us. If you want to delve deeper in this topic, check out the Victor Frankl link on my resources page , to a four minute video on how to find your true purpose. Read Frankl’s book, Man’s Search for Meaning and if you want to do my workshop, check my events page. If no upcoming Rediscovering Your Purpose workshop is listed, get in touch to be put on the waiting list.

Why how you breathe can impact your health

Mon, 01 Apr 2024 05:00:00 GMT

How to breathe better

How many of us think of how we breathe? For most, it is an automatic bodily function, without breathing we’d die, right? But did you know that how you breathe can affect your health? Western medicine treats breathing problems with medications and surgical options, but little time is given to teaching people how to breathe well.

Breathing provides our cells with oxygen, vital for unlocking our body’s energy, it also regulates the nervous system and can be used to reduce stress. Modern life, the way we work, sit, eat, and live has a negative impact on the muscles, bones, and tissues responsible for bringing air into our bodies but we can reverse this trend by relearning proper breathing techniques. We can increase our blood flow, stretch our lungs, open our airways, and even balance our moods.

James Nestor, a science journalist, explores this topic in depth in his book, Breath . A highly accessible and informative read, it will change the way you breathe, (and no, I’m not receiving any commission for saying this). Inspired by free divers who trained their bodies to go without air for over 10 minutes and his own breathing problems, Nestor conducted his own breathing experiment and summarises fascinating research on the subject.

Through no fault of our own, due to evolutionary process, humans have the most poorly designed breathing organs in the animal kingdom. There is a tendency to breathe through our mouths and take too much oxygen in at once, throwing our systems into imbalance. Nestor’s own experiment saw him blocking up his nostrils and breathing solely through his mouth for 20 days. As a result, researchers found his blood pressure skyrocketed, his sleep apnoea worsened, and a sinus infection developed. He also felt awful, “ The nagging fatigue, irritation, testiness, and anxiety, ” Nestor writes. “ The horrid breath and constant bathroom breaks. The spaciness, stares, and stomach-aches. It was awful. ” Breathing through your mouth is a backup, not meant to be used as the default. Once he returned to breathing through his nose, everything went back to normal, plus he stopped snoring, and he improved his athletic performance by 10%.

When we breathe, we tend to focus on the inhale, but it’s the breathing out that allows our lungs and bodies to take advantage of the inhale. As Nestor writes, “ Most of us engage only a fraction of our total lung capacity with each breath requiring us to do more and get less. ” To correct this, focus on extending your exhale before launching into your next inhale. Nestor says he treats breath work like a good stretch: something to do to recalibrate normal after a long period sitting or feeling stressed. " It requires no batteries, Wi-Fi, headgear, or smartphones, " Nestor writes. " It costs nothing, takes little time and effort, and you can do it wherever you are, whenever you need ."

For a simple breathing exercise to practice longer inhale and exhales, why not try the 365-breathing technique? You’ll find a link to the practice on my resources page – where you’ll also find a link to Nestor’s book. I highly recommend it.

Why being in creative flow will make you happy

Fri, 01 Mar 2024 06:00:00 GMT

The secret of happiness

Do you find yourself in a state of quiet contentment when piecing together a jigsaw? Or perhaps whilst painting a picture, or mid flow whilst composing a story? Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi (pronounced Mee-HAH-ee CHEEK-sehnt-mee-hah-yee) is a Hungarian-American psychologist who has conducted extensive research into happiness and creativity. He developed the concept of psychological flow, also known as ‘creative flow’, that wonderful state when ideas come easily, when focus is sustained, and concentration and productivity is at its peak.

In his TED talk of 2004, (seen by over 7 million people), he explains how this state of flow is the secret to happiness. Through his childhood experience of observing adults in wartime he decided to study what made people happy. Previous research has shown that 30% of the US population describe themselves as very happy consistently throughout time, despite the growth in income. Once people have minimum needs met, income and material resources doesn’t seem to affect how happy people are. Mihaly started to research artists as many of them saw little economic return for their efforts yet still felt contented with their lives. What he found was that when artists create something new, they experience a type of ecstasy, their physical existence feels as if it disappears, as their level of focus and concentration is so great. When in the creative flow everything came automatically as if they were on automatic pilot. Mihaly also worked with ethical business leaders who felt the same, those who defined success as contributing something worthwhile to the world whilst being happy doing it.

Through his research of interviewing thousands of people from CEOs to shepherds, he defined flow’s seven conditions:

1. Completely involved in what we’re doing – focused, concentrated.

2. A sense of ecstasy – of being outside everyday reality.

3. Great inner clarity – knowing what needs to be done, and how well we are doing.

4. Knowing that the activity is doable – that our skills are adequate to the task.

5. A sense of serenity – no worries about oneself, and a feeling of growing beyond the boundaries of the ego.

6. Timelessness – thoroughly focused on the present, hours seem to pass by in minutes.

7. Intrinsic motivation – whatever produces flow becomes its own reward.

Once these conditions are met, work is done for its own sake. To get to this state, the challenges and skill level of the task must be higher than average, otherwise there's a danger of boredom or apathy. If the challenges are too hard or the skill level too high, it can tip over to worry and anxiety. However, if you’re in a state of arousal , you can move yourself into flow by increasing the skill level, or if you feel in control of the activity, you can move into flow by increasing the challenge of the task. Flow is the sweet spot and unique to the individual.

If you’re interested in watching the full 18-minute video see the link on my resources page.

And if you’re interested in reading more about flow and how to access it, read a previous blog I’ve written, titled ‘ Getting into the Flow’.

How to take control of your emotions

Fri, 02 Feb 2024 16:30:00 GMT

A useful tool to help with your emotions

In previous generations people were encouraged not to express their emotions. “ Boys don’t cry, ” a typical, and unhelpful refrain. Now we are encouraged to express ourselves, to “ be in touch with ourselves ”, to “ let the grief/anger/sadness ” out. Suppressed emotions have been blamed for everything from mental ill health to cancer. But being at the mercy of our emotions, overwhelmed by fear, sadness, or anger, isn’t helpful either. It's important to feel what we're feeling, take note of it, but not to be consumed by it or react blindly because of it. So, how do we compose ourselves when flooded by emotion?

The inspirational psychiatrist, Viktor Frankl, author of Man’s Search for Meaning , (read it if you get the chance, it’s a great book) said, “ Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space lies our freedom to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom .” The STOPP exercise is a CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) technique that is based on that moment of space and can be incredibly effective when needing to take control of your emotions.

To practice, go through the following steps:

STOP!

Just pause for a moment.

TAKE A BREATH

Notice your breathing: in through the nose, out through the mouth.

OBSERVE

What thoughts are going through your mind right now? Where is your focus? What are you reacting to? What sensations do you notice in your body?

PULL BACK - PUT IN SOME PERSPECTIVE

What's the bigger picture? Take the helicopter view. What would a trusted friend say to me right now? Is this thought a fact or opinion? How important is this? How important will it be in 6 months’ time? It will pass.

PRACTISE WHAT WORKS - PROCEED

What is the best thing to do right now? What is the most helpful thing for me, for others, for the situation? What can I do that fits with my values? Where can I focus my attention right now? Do what will be effective and appropriate.

If you think this technique could help you, you can also download a STOPP app from Google Play/Windows Store/iTunes Store. You can also download a free handout of the technique from my resources page .

How embodied yoga poses can help your creativity and wellbeing.

Fri, 05 Jan 2024 06:00:00 GMT

Using yoga poses as a coaching exploration

It’s no secret that looking after your body can help your wellbeing. For thousands of years people have turned to yoga to maintain flexibility, restore calm and keep their bodies toned. But did you know that embodied yoga poses could help with your creativity and encourage better self-care, confidence, and assertiveness?

Embodiment in psychotherapy is the practice of using the body as a tool for healing through self-awareness, mindfulness, connection, self-regulation, finding balance and creating self-acceptance. I use embodiment in my coaching practice to enable clients to ‘bypass’ their mind, to really feel what is happening to them via their bodies. By working with the body, as well as the mind, the impact of our coaching work can be stronger, last longer, and have more impact. For, as the latest neuroscience research states, our bodies and what they experience, directly influences what happens in the brain. By listening to the body, we can change how we think and feel. Likewise, by practicing embodiment techniques, we can affect our creativity and wellbeing.

The people behind Embodied Yoga Principles have taken this research and knowledge and adapted yoga poses to support personal development. By combining elements of life coaching, body therapy, dance, mindfulness-based practices, they have created a set of postures and exercises to explore and develop the body as a way of being. Just like the politician who is taught to stand with their feet wide and their chest out to inwardly feel and outwardly convey confidence, embodied yoga postures start from the belief that what you practice physically will change how you feel.

Their ’No’ posture is one I use a lot with clients. (If you have trouble saying no, see my previous post on ‘ The importance of saying No’ ) Practiced for a few minutes daily, it can really help build your assertion skills and create that ‘muscle memory’ for when you need you need to say no to someone/something. For a demonstration of coaching an artist around the No posture see this 11 minute video or if you want something shorter, here’s a 3 minute video.

Another useful position I find myself referring people to use is the ‘Self-care pose’ for when you’re feeling overwhelmed, or self-judgemental. It’s a great one when you’ being hard on yourself. And for those wanting to increase their creativity, they have an ‘Inspiration pose’ and for those that lack confidence, a ‘ Take the space’ pose. If you feel you could benefit from any of these poses, watch the videos carefully, take your time to practice the pose initially, really exploring how you feel as you stand in the posture. Then, take a few minutes to practice it each morning. Do this for a couple of weeks and see how the pose can help you with your life.

I had a client who despite getting interviews, having the experience required, was failing to secure a new job. I encouraged her to practice the ‘Take the space’ pose for a few weeks. This she did, and even practiced it in the toilets just before the interview took place. She reported back that it had greatly improved her confidence and meant she walked into the interview with a bounce in her step. She got the job. Body language not only changes how we feel about ourselves but how others see us. So, if any of this resonates with you, why not check out the Embodied Yoga Principles website? You’ll find a link to them on my resources page .

The importance of saying no.

Fri, 01 Dec 2023 06:00:00 GMT

Saying "no" so you can say "yes" with confidence.

One of the most common issues I come across when coaching people who are overwhelmed, is their difficulty in saying “No.” They don’t want to let people down, they don’t want to seem confrontational, they feel guilty if they say no, they want to prove themselves good workers, colleagues, friends, and family members. Sound familiar?

Saying no is increasingly difficult as technology means we have 24-hour access to work emails and communication with friends and family. It’s difficult to be unavailable when we have a mobile phone constantly by our side. But time is a finite resource. And our energy is not unlimited. If we don’t say no, we’ll soon find we have no time for the stuff we want to say yes to.

Often, we say yes to things we don’t want to do because it feels good in the moment. It avoids social confrontation, it makes us look good, and we have the best intentions. But then, as our tasks pile up, it leads us to resent others, fractures relationships and impacts our health. Tasks take away our time and that means less time for things that give your life meaning. It’s why lifelong people-pleasers feel unfulfilled. It’s why those that always say yes, are busy but not productive, and why even if they don’t admit it, they will feel angry, resentful, and anxious. If you constantly overcommit, inevitably you’ll let people down, and then others will stop trusting you.

Our ability to say no depends on past experiences and whether we’re stuck in our child or parent ego state. For more information on this and a deeper look at the importance of saying no, see this article , which I’m summarising here. (There’s also a link to it on my resources page ). Fortunately, due to the neuroplasticity of our brains, we can reshape what we believe and change our behaviours.

So how do you say ‘No’ without being rude or feeling guilty?

Ensure you’re saying ‘no’ from your adult ego state, saying ‘no’ in the present as an equal to the person you are saying it to. Not slipping into the child ego state who is seeking approval from their parent or being in the parent ego state, trying to rescue the world. Create new neural pathways by repeating small behaviours over time.

Changing isn’t easy so use the following strategies to help:

1. Plan ahead. Say no by text and email if that’s easier at first. Say you will get back to them if saying no outright feels too difficult. Then afterwards, politely decline.

2. Keep it simple . Don’t offer a justification. It might feel polite to do so, but it will encourage the person hearing the no to challenge your decision or suggest another time.

3. Be aware of ego states and remain in your adult ego state . Simple transactions are complementary and mutually beneficial, ulterior transactions are more complex and when the psychological message is different to the social message. These transactions can feel emotional and exhausting as you constantly have to decode the message underneath.

4. Propose an alternative – if you’d like to. If you want to say yes, but can’t, say no with an alternative. Make sure the alternatives are manageable. E.g., “Can you help me organise mum’s birthday party?”, “Sorry, I’ve got too much on, but I can order the cake.”

If you’re not sure if you should say yes or no, think, If I had to do this today, would I agree to it? If the answer is no, then that’s your decision. At some point the task will come to the top of your to-do list, if you don’t want it there, don’t accept it.

The more you say no, the more time you have to say yes to the things that matter to you. What would you prefer, a life of things you want to say yes to, or a life full of things you don’t want to do?

For a deeper look into this issue, read the article mentioned above.

Looking for meaning?

Fri, 03 Nov 2023 06:00:00 GMT

Try appreciating the small things.

When we’re stuck in a rut, we often feel bored with our life. Maybe we’ve been doing the same job for too long, we’re no longer challenging ourselves, a little too comfortable in our comfort zone. Life has become routine and sometimes this can lead to feeling our life lacks meaning. Sometimes a life once full of meaning can become confusing and senseless because of traumatic events.

So, how do we get that sense of meaning back?

Most psychologists agree that there are three parts to feeling we live a meaningful life:

1. Feeling our life makes sense.

2. Having clear long-term goals and a sense of purpose.

3. A belief that your actions matter to others.

You can encourage the above by talking through things with a friend, therapist, or coach, and do more for others via your family, your community or through work. But there’s also another way. Joshua Hicks, an existential psychologist, proposed a fourth way to develop meaning in life, by appreciating and finding value in experiences. He calls this “experiential appreciation” (EA). He designed a series of studies to measure experiential appreciation and how that impacted on perceptions of meaning in life (MIL).

What he found was:

• Appreciating the little things in life affects how we feel about life, in a positive way. For example, those who watched a short sequence of nature footage from Planet Earth reported greater feelings of experiential appreciation that those who watched a brief instructional wood-working video, which in turn, increased their meaning in life judgements.

• While some people were more naturally inclined to recognise beauty , anyone can develop this skill by slowing down and engaging in mindful appreciation of the little things around them. This act, of being more mindful of our environment , helps us cultivate a more meaningful existence.

For more detail on Hicks’ studies conducted see the full articl e.

Victor Frankl, an Austrian neurologist and psychiatrist as well as a Holocaust survivor, wrote the inspirational, Man’s Search for Meaning . In this fantastic book, in which he outlines his experience of surviving the most traumatic experiences imaginable, he explains how finding our true purpose and supporting others to find theirs, can bring out the best in people. This is consistent with Hicks’ findings, that by appreciating one’s experiences can develop a rich sense of meaning and shore up confidence that life has been and will be worth living. On my resources page , you’ll find a link to a four minute video of Victor Frankl summarising his views which I’d highly recommend watching and, if you have the time, read his book, it’s short but extremely powerful. In the meantime, what small things will you appreciate today?

Why mindfulness is a superpower

Sun, 01 Oct 2023 05:00:00 GMT

How mindfulness can help you.

We hear a lot about mindfulness being good for us. It’s taught in school to children, there are mindful writing/art/dance/craft workshops and I’m constantly writing newsletters encouraging you to be mindful. But what exactly is mindfulness? Being mindful is being aware of what is happening in your head at any given moment without being carried away by your thoughts, being aware of your immediate surroundings and being present in the current moment. This is very helpful, for when something makes us angry, such as someone barging in before us when we’re queuing, our thoughts of being angry can make us feel angry. There's no buffer between the stimulus and our reaction. With just a bit of mindfulness training, we can increase the space between the stimulus and the response, giving us the chance to respond differently. For example, the person barges in front of us, we are angry about this, but instead of becoming angry, we could notice how our body feels. How our heartbeat increases, how our fists tighten. We notice our reactions but that doesn’t mean we have to react on them. Instead, with time, we might think why the person might be doing this, maybe they’re in a hurry, maybe they’re having a bad day, maybe they have a good reason. Or maybe they don’t and they’re not thinking of anyone but themselves, but is it worth getting angry about?

It's not that there's never a reason to get angry, or that by practicing mindfulness you will turn into a lifeless, non-judgemental blob, it’s just that with mindfulness you learn how to respond wisely to things that happen to you rather than reacting blindly. And that is why mindfulness is a superpower. So, if you want to be more mindful, less reactive, get more time to think before you react, the best way is practice meditation or, if meditation isn’t for you, practice mindful activities where you're totally absorbed in what you’re doing. Mindfulness isn’t going to make you into a Buddhist monk overnight, but it will help with your stress, anxiety, and emotional regulation and that’s a great superpower to have. If you want to see this blog as an animation, check out this link , to see the animation that inspired this piece.

How full is your stress bucket?

Fri, 01 Sep 2023 05:00:00 GMT

How to stop your stress bucket from overflowing.

On my resources page I have a link to a great 2-minute video called The Stress Bucket. This animation simply explains why we need stress, why it’s part of our daily rhythm, helping us focus, get things done and learn new things. However, if we experience too much stress, feel we can’t cope, then it becomes a problem. The stress hormone, cortisol, can do our bodies great damage if there’s too much of it in our bloodstream, affecting our physical and mental health and disrupting how our nervous system responds to everyday events.

The stress bucket analogy explain how we can cope with stress and how to prevent it getting too much. The size of our ‘bucket’ depends on life experience and genes and upbringing. Our coping mechanisms are like taps that help stress drain from the bucket. Depending on the size of our bucket we can cope with different levels of stress – which may come from good experiences, such as learning, or difficult experiences such as bereavement. While you may not be able to change the size of your bucket, you may be able to change life circumstances so less stress goes into your bucket, or use coping strategies that can help stress drain out. Helpful strategies may include mindfulness, exercise, sleep, sharing problems with friends. Unhelpful strategies include staying up late, using drugs or alcohol, procrastination, sleeping, or denying anything is wrong; these may give temporary relief but lead in the long run to more stress in your bucket. To see the video, check out this link .

Another interesting resource on stress, also featured on my resources page , is the 14-minute TED talk by psychologist Kelly McGonigal. McGonigal encourages us to see stress as a positive, in that just believing stress is bad for you is harmful to your health. Believing that stress is a normal part of life can improve your chances of longevity, even if you experience high levels of stress. Changing the way you think about stress can change your body’s response to stress. By thinking of the signs of stress (raised heartbeat, sweaty palms etc) as signs of your body energising itself for the task ahead, can reduce your stress response to the task you previously found stressful, physically helping you stay more relaxed. Her conclusion, the harmful effects of stress are not inevitable, it all depends on how you think and act. For her fascinating TED talk see here .

Why Gratitude is good.

Fri, 04 Aug 2023 05:00:00 GMT

How cultivating gratitude is good for you.

Robert Emmons, the world’s leading scientific expert on gratitude, has been studying the effects of gratitude on physical health, psychological well-being and on our relationships with others for more than twenty years. He has helped people cultivate gratitude by encouraging them to keep gratitude journals, a simple exercise, but by doing this for just three weeks, his studies have found that those that practice gratitude consistently report the following range of benefits:

Physical

• Stronger immune systems

• Lower blood pressure

• Exercise more and take better care of their health.

• Sleep longer.

• Less bothered by aches and pains

Psychological

• Higher levels of positive emotions

• More joy and pleasure

• More optimism and happiness

Social

• More helpful, generous, and compassionate

• More forgiving

• More outgoing

• Feel less lonely and isolated.

Emmons defines gratitude as an affirmation of goodness - recognising the good in the world, acknowledging life isn’t perfect, don’t ignore the negative, but look at life as a whole; using gratitude to identify the good in our life. He encourages us to figure out where that goodness comes from. Not originating from anything we necessarily did but that true gratitude involves a “ humble dependence on others ”. Acknowledging that other people give us many gifts, big and small, which helps us achieve the goodness in our lives.

Why does feeling gratitude transform people’s lives?

1. Gratitude allows us to celebrate the present, magnifying positive emotions. Positive emotions tend to wear off quickly, gratitude makes us appreciate the value of them. When we value something, we’re less likely to take it for granted.

2. Gratitude blocks negative, toxic emotions such as envy, resentment and regret, emotions that can destroy our happiness . A 2008 study by psychologist, Alex Wood, shows that gratitude can even reduce the frequency and duration of depressive episodes.

3. Grateful people are more stress resistant . Studies have shown that if people have a grateful disposition, they recover more quickly from trauma, adversity, and suffering. Gratitude gives people a sense of perspective.

4. Grateful people have a higher sense of self-worth . Emmons suggests this is because if you are aware that someone else has contributed to your well-being, you realise that other people have value in you and that helps you transform the way you see yourself.

If you want to know more about the challenges to gratitude, how to cultivate gratitude, and how to keep a gratitude journal, check out the ‘Cultivating Gratitude’ link on my resources page . This leads you to the longer article by Robert Emmons, some of which has been summarised in this blog post. You’ll also find here a series of videos of Emmons discussing gratitude in further detail. Meanwhile, I’m grateful to you for reading this blog!

The importance of a good night’s sleep.

Tue, 04 Jul 2023 07:22:38 GMT

Why more shut eye leads to better health.

We all know sleep is good for us. That a fully rested night will make us more alert, productive, in a better mood and able to make better choices. But modern life often tempts us to stay up late, whether it’s another programme of a box set, another post on a social media feed, or even catching up with a loved one after a long day. Surely going to bed thirty minutes later than planned won’t make much difference? We can always catch up the weekend, can’t we?

In his best-selling book, Why We Sleep , Matthew Walker, English scientist and Professor of Neuroscience and Psychology at the University of Berkeley, California, reveals that constant sleep deprivation can seriously harm your health. A single night of four hours sleep reduces natural killer cells (which kill cancer cells) by 70%. Sleeping less than six hours a night increases risk of heart disease by 300% and leads to a 40% increase in cancer. If you under-sleep you will, on average, eat 300 calories more per day, leading to 10-15lbs gained in a year and sweet cravings will increase by 40%.

Unfortunately, sleeping in at the weekend isn’t the answer. More than three nights of a full eight hours are not enough to recover from four days of six hours. But do not despair if your sleep is interrupted by children, of hormonal changes, or snoring partners. Even small changes can make a difference. Going to bed fifteen minutes earlier than usual may not seem like much but if you keep it up, all those extra fifteen minutes make a huge impact over a lifetime.

Walker recognises that many people struggle with sleeping for all sorts of reasons, so his advice is to give yourself an eight hour ‘sleep window’, giving your body the opportunity to sleep for eight hours if it can. To give yourself the best chance of this, try the following recommendations:

1. Stick to a sleep schedule – try to get up and go to bed at the same time each day.

2. Exercise often, but no later than two and a half hours before bed.

3. Avoid caffeine and nicotine. Caffeine has a half-life of six hours. This means one coffee at six pm is the same as drinking half a coffee at midnight.

4. Avoid alcohol before bed. Though you might fall asleep quicker, it’s a sedative, robbing you of important dream sleep. Dream sleep increases creativity and problem-solving abilities significantly.

5. Avoid large meals late and night and hydrate before bed.

6. Don’t nap after 3pm

7. Have time to relax before bed.

8. Take a hot bath or shower before bed. Your cooling skin helps you go to sleep quicker.

9. Ensure your bedroom is as dark as possible, cool, and gadget free. (Buy an alarm clock rather than using your mobile phone).

10. Get proper sunlight exposure each day, this regulates your body clock.

11. If you awake in the night, don’t lie in bed awake, get up, make yourself a milky drink.

12. If you struggle to get to sleep, don’t count sheep, it doesn’t work, think through a familiar walk, paying attention to every detail to the destination.

I highly recommend Walker’s book if you’re interested in finding out more (and no, I’m not getting paid anything for this recommendation). Meanwhile, if you find a sleep meditation helps you get to sleep, why not check out the one on my resources page?

How writing can help you

Fri, 02 Jun 2023 05:00:00 GMT

Therapeutic writing methods

Writing can be enormously therapeutic. It structures chaotic thoughts, increases introspection, increases tolerance of others through exploring different points of view and can make sense of life experiences and stabilize mental illness. As writing can be shared, it’s a way to feel recognised by others. There are therapists who use writing prompts to focus your thoughts to analyse, reflect and express feelings. And whilst working with a professional can be extremely helpful, especially if you have deep seated trauma or patterns you want to change, you don’t need a professional to start writing and benefit from its therapeutic effects. For some, writing is far preferable to psychoanalysis. You get to decide the rate of self-defragmentation and it encourages self-reliance. Besides, it’s far cheaper, and more accessible, paper and pen are always available.

There are lots of writing techniques that can support you. Whether it is regular journalling, gratitude lists, freewriting, life writing or creating fiction. The important thing is creating a safe space for yourself, so if unexpected, painful, feelings come up, you can look after yourself. Whilst writing my memoir, I wrote early in the morning, before anyone in the house was awake. I didn’t want sudden interruptions from children, or my partner, or even the cats. I needed personal space, to feel my feelings, process them on the page, then bring myself back to the present and the family morning routine. At times of intense editing, I took myself away to a Premier Inn in a neighbouring town so I wouldn’t have to interact with anyone I knew or think of anyone’s needs but my own. This was my way of looking after myself.

Once you have your safe space, work out what method helps you best. For some it is a daily or weekly journal entry, reflecting on life’s events. Research has shown some writing is more therapeutic than others. ‘Disclosure’ – expressing thoughts and feelings only – can increase negative moods but ‘self-regulation’ – disclosure plus analysis and outlining coping strategies has shown to reduce visits to doctors and increase the immune system. So, make sure if you’re journalling, you end with analysis or a coping strategy. For example, I realise I always feel down after entering writing competitions as I’ve rarely been shortlisted. In future, I’ll keep a list of my submissions and future competitions, so I can see how much I am putting myself out there and will focus on future potential rather than past failure. I will think of every submission as a success for at least I have tried.

Morning pages , or freewriting, as advocated by Julia Cameron, is another technique. A great way of clearing out thoughts to make room for fresh ideas. By writing whatever comes into your mind, it also takes the pressure off formulating thoughts or perfect sentences. There’s gratitude lists, that an increasing body of research have shown can help with wellbeing, by focusing us on the positive things in our lives. By writing a list of five things you’re grateful for and why, focusing in on the specific, on the small things as well as the big, at least three times a week for two to three weeks, has been shown to lead to an increase in wellbeing.

List writing, such as writing ten sentences starting with ‘I love…’, can lead you to realise there are many things you love in life. Then there’s life writing, which can help you reflect on your own personal narrative and repeating patterns, or fiction writing, where difficult feelings and experiences can be explored and resolved in the safety of imaginary landscapes. I could write a book on all the ways writing is therapeutic and methods to use, and maybe one day I will. In the meantime, I’ll be diving deep into the topic as I’ve just been awarded a PhD scholarship to study the therapeutic impact of creative writing, so expect to hear more from me about this subject soon!

How to get a better work/life balance

Fri, 05 May 2023 05:00:00 GMT

Finding time for you

Often, my work as a coach focuses on people’s work/life balance. Whether it is hectic work schedules, complex family commitments, or digital distractions, there’s a myriad of reasons why people have no time for themselves and find themselves burnt out. Clients shrug and say, “What can I do?” for yes, they have to work a certain number of hours per week and their children have to be fed but amazingly, however busy the person, we always find ways to find more time. Come close, I’m going to let you in on a secret. Here is my magic formula for finding you more time.

1. Set your goal.

If you don’t have a goal, chances are you’ll continue to drift along in familiar habits, and nothing ever changes. Your first task is to complete the Wheel of Life exercise on my Resources page (takes between 10-20 minutes). Once you’ve done that, you’ll have a clear idea of areas you want to spend more time on and those which you want to spend less. That goal setting alone might be enough incentive for you to change your work/life balance.

2. Increase your awareness

If you need more motivation, it can be helpful to identify how you are currently spending your time. Apps such as Toggl can help. This time tracking app offers a 30 day free trial – more than enough time to help you understand where those precious hours go. Though designed for workers, I recommend using it to log everything for one week, from cooking, to washing, to scrolling through social media. If you have such a thing, try to log an ‘average week’, this will be a real eye opener, I promise you.

3. Set your boundaries

Having identified how you spend your time, or, if you don’t want to use Toggl, having identified one thing you want to do less of, think how you can create stronger boundaries around the time consuming thing you want to reduce. Maybe it’s out of work emails. Set up an auto response that clearly defines your working times, set email synchronisation on your mobile to working hours only, make it clear to your colleagues that you will not be responding to emails past your working hours from now on. If you struggle doing this, get in touch. Strong boundaries are the key to good wellbeing.

4. Act on it!

Make a commitment to when you will start your one small change, when you will abide by your boundaries. If you can put a time and date on it, you’re even more likely to succeed. E.g., “I will set up my email auto response from next Monday and I will inform colleagues that from next Monday at 5.30pm I will not be answering any work emails.”

5. Notice the difference

Once you’ve made the change, notice how you feel. Maybe at first you feel guilty, maybe you feel indulgent. Don’t judge yourself, just be present with it. Make the most of the time you’ve reclaimed. Whether it’s more time with loved ones, a relaxing bath, a good book, or time on your favourite activity, really savour the time you’ve freed up. Don’t just commit it to another task. Reward yourself for setting boundaries and freeing up some time for you. You deserve it!

By rewarding yourself for changing, you establish a progress loop – embedding the realisation that you can make positive change in your life. This means next time you want to change you’ll feel more able to do so as you have already succeeded once.

Good luck! And do let me know how you get on.

Ways to process emotional energy stuck in your body

Fri, 07 Apr 2023 05:00:00 GMT

How to release trapped emotions

Many of us were taught not to express our emotions as children. Whether it was the ‘children should be seen and not heard’ mantra, or beliefs that anger and despair were not attractive qualities, or emotions like grief were scary to those who cared for you, there are many reasons why we might have avoided expressing emotional pain. But unfortunately, repressed feelings don’t just disappear. They have a habit of coming out at inappropriate moments, causing physical issues, such as muscle tension, headaches, back or stomach pain, or leading to mental health problems such as anxiety and depression.

Unresolved emotions get trapped in our body leading to burnout, emotional imbalance and ill health. So how do we express our emotions in a healthy way that will process them and so they don’t get stuck?

Step 1: Recognise them – self awareness

Being able to recognise your emotions and how they feel in your body is a skill. For some it is obvious, for me, it took about three years in therapy. For years I thought I was depressed when actually I was angry. I’d grown up believing expressing anger wasn’t ok, pretty common amongst young girls, so I repressed lots of things I was angry about, which in my teen years turned into depression. I ended up struggling with depression for ten years until I sought help. I wish I’d known about mindfulness then. By being mindful, noticing what is happening within our body, accepting it, and feeling it fully, without judgement, can be difficult, but really helpful. By facing your difficulty head on, with self-compassion and understanding, the emotion will eventually pass. Tara Brach’s practice of R.A.I..N is brilliant for this. R.A.I.N. stands for recognize, allow, investigate, and nourish (with self-compassion) . The tricky bit is feeling it in the body, not just cognitively. This is critical. Otherwise, true healing will not occur. Practice mindfulness to get better at recognising your feelings and their impact on your body.

Step 2: Respond – self-expression

To express your emotions, to process them and move them out of our body, the self-expression must be authentic and embodied. Crying, screaming, exercising, painting, writing, doing breathing exercises, are all ways to release emotions. Personally, I find any form of writing, but especially journal writing, very therapeutic, as a way to reflect and express. But sometimes I need something more physical, a good stomp in the countryside, or a walk to the sea to connect to nature and feel part of something larger. The main thing is to allow yourself the space to feel your emotions and connect with them.

Step 3: Reset – self-care

In our busy world we often don’t pay enough attention to our emotional state. By giving yourself time to feel your emotions, and nurture yourself with healing habits, whether they are regular journalling, exercise, or time with friends, you will help yourself to better wellbeing. Whenever you feel like life is getting too much, try to be your own best friend. Ask what you would advise a friend in a similar position. Then try to follow your own advice! Freeing emotional energy can be life changing, and will help you lead a happier and healthier life, so what have you got to lose?

How a wellbeing coach can help you.

Fri, 03 Mar 2023 06:30:00 GMT

Ways I can support your wellbeing

If you’re not in good physical and/or mental health it’s hard to do your job, complete projects, progress towards your goals, or enjoy life. People come to me to improve confidence, increase leadership skills, achieve their goals, but somewhere along the way wellbeing always pops up. Especially when many of those I see are overwhelmed, stressed, lacking in focus and direction. Whether I’m coaching a front line support worker, a CEO, or an artist, focusing on wellbeing always produces positive effects.

Not only do people feel better but they become more productive, happier with their lives and more focussed. Who doesn’t want that? So how exactly do I do it? I could say it is the magic of coaching but I like to be transparent so here’s what I do.

1. Many of us focus on the needs of others or work tasks, deprioritising time for ourselves, putting it last on the list. I spend time looking at how you can find time for yourself . Whether it is early morning exercise or creativity, lunchtime meditations, or weekly treats. If we don’t look after ourselves we burn out and can’t help others or do our work effectively. Investing in you time really will change your life. And it doesn’t have to be hours (though regular days off will help), even 10 minutes on a regular basis – a micro break - makes all the difference (and research has shown, can really help tiredness and productivity levels).

2. I encourage you to think about wellbeing habits that you can fit into your daily life. Whether it’s a regular tea break, exercise, or healthy food habits. We discuss what’s realistic, what suits you best, what you need to do to make it possible and create an action plan to turn desires into entrenched habits. Making wellbeing a regular habit can extend your life. For instance, did you know that just 10 minutes of brisk walking a day can improve your mood and lower the risk of serious health issues like type 2 diabetes, heart disease and some cancers?

3. When we’re anxious, overwhelmed and stressed it can be hard to step out and practice our wellbeing routines. So I explore strategies for managing overwhelm, which may be breathing techniques, stepping away from a screen, bespoke mantras, or a host of other tips and tricks for dealing with challenging moments. You leave sessions with a toolbox of tools to deal with stress so that you control it rather than it controlling you.

4. Sometimes worries can take over our lives, leading to constant distraction and inability to focus. By looking at what we can control and what we can’t, can be a really helpful way of letting go. Looking at worries and our inner critic from a different perspective can also really help, reframing our problem and seeing it in a new light. We have been evolutionary designed to focus on the negative – it’s what has kept us and our ancestors alive after all – so we can thank our worrying brains for keeping us safe but also let them know that it’s not helpful for us in the moment. We work on these thoughts using a variety of NLP and CBT exercises that give you more control.

These are some of the ways I support people’s wellbeing. Of course, each person’s unique, and the strategies, habits and actions need to be tailored to each person’s circumstances. Reading a book (or a blog), though useful and thought provoking, won’t embed the change you need to nourish your wellbeing, which is why, if you’re worried about your health and feel overwhelmed and stressed, arrange a free 15 minute consultation where we can discuss what’s going on for you and what support I can provide.

5 neuroscience strategies to help your physical and mental health

183:753452603 (Dominique De-Light) — Fri, 03 Feb 2023 06:00:00 GMT

5 simple tips to get you back on track

In my last blog post I outlined five strategies based on neuroscience research that can help with motivation, stress, and willpower. Today we’ll look at how the latest research can support our physical and mental health.

1. Body budget

If we’re tired, craving sugar, our productivity and wellbeing is likely to be low. We’re more likely to be grumpy and lacking in motivation. So, ensure your body is in balance, ensure you’re paying attention your ‘body budget’. Adults need 7 to 9 hours sleep a night, less than 7 reduces our cognitive performance and cannot be caught up with at the weekend. By ensuring you get enough sleep and taking short breaks throughout the day – just 5 minutes can help, can ensure your body feels properly rested and increases energy levels.

2. Diet

Latest research on gut health and the vagus nerve (a central part of the nervous system running from brainstem to gut) has shown that abnormalities in the digestive system can directly shape both your cognitive and emotional state. The gut produces 95% of the body’s serotonin. A healthy diet reduces anxiety and can reduce depression. The diet most recommended is the Mediterranean died, rich in fruit, vegetables, olive oil, fish & lean meats and low in sugar & processed food.

3. Exercise

Aerobic exercise protects against cognitive decline and dementia and preserves brain volume with age. It even increases BDNF – brain-derived neurotrophic factor levels, a protein that supports the maintenance and growth of new neurons. Exercise is a fantastic treatment for depression and relieving anxiety as well.

4. Insight

Sometimes what we know can get in the way of a solution. Being constantly busy can get in the way of creativity and insight. To access insight – that ‘aha’ moment – our minds need to be quiet and clear, so to encourage insight: sleep or meditate on a problem, relax, let the mind wander, schedule yoga or walking time.

5. Visualisation

People are encouraged to visualise having successfully achieved their goal to motivate themselves, but this is just wishful thinking and can lead to a drop in energy. However, if you visualise the steps you need to reach the goal, including the obstacles you need to overcome, then you are more likely to be successful.

I hope these strategies work for you. Meanwhile, I’m off for a walk, to cultivate some insight…

5 evidenced based strategies to increase motivation

183:753452603 (Dominique De-Light) — Fri, 30 Dec 2022 06:00:00 GMT

Easy ways to increase motivation and willpower

Neuroscience has made great strides forward in recent years in helping us understand how our brains work. Research has explored the best ways to increase motivation, will power and achieving our goals. Here’s a few evidenced based strategies that can help you with your life and work.

1. Encouraging neuroplasticity.

Our brains can rewire themselves based on experience – and continue to rewire themselves all our lives. Behaviour change results from brain change so if you want to change you life you need to:

a. Have a goal – but not just say it, you need to…

b. Put effort into achieving the goal. If it’s easy your brain is already wired for it, brain change takes effort.

c. Repeat effort over time. Change happens with consistent action, keep doing what you’re doing.

d. The brain changes as a result, but if you stop your newly acquired skills, the changes may reverse.

2. Reduce multi-tasking.

Whilst we may feel like we are doing more when doing two things at once, the brain can’t keep two things in the mind at the same time. When we think we’re multi-tasking we’re actually switching tasks quickly, which results in reduced productivity and increased errors. So, if you want to do more in less times, concentrate on one thing at a time.

3. Encourage the progress loop.

Motivation results from making progress. By completing something, however small, we experience a hit of dopamine which motivates us to do the next task. This is called the progress loop. By starting your day with a small task, that’s easily achievable, a quick email, filing documents etc, you immediately feel success, motivating you to tackle bigger, more difficult tasks. Break down big jobs into small, manageable tasks that make them easier to achieve.

4. Build up your willpower.

Recent research has shown that people good at resisting temptation report experiencing fewer temptations. i.e., people who excel at self-control hardly use it at all. This is because those who are better at self-control actually enjoy the activities many of us resist, such as healthy eating or exercising. To build up your willpower make activities more enjoyable, e.g., exercise with a friend and take temptations out of your environment – e.g., don’t have biscuits at home or take a different route to work so you’re not passing the bakery.

5. Reframe stress.

Stress has a bad press. It’s blamed for high blood pressure, heart disease, obesity, and diabetes. Chronic stress is not a good thing. But some stress is essential to help us perform well and build resilience, the negative health and psychological consequences are not inevitable. Simply changing our perception of stress from “being bad” to “being helpful” can improve our psychological wellbeing and mortality risk by 43%.

Watch out for my next blog when I’ll go over a further 5 evidenced based strategies based on the latest neuroscience that can help with your life and work.

Give yourself time to grieve

183:753452603 (Dominique De-Light) — Fri, 02 Dec 2022 06:00:00 GMT

Taking care of yourself in times of loss

Recently my father died. It was a painful, shocking loss. He was ninety one, had struggled with dementia for four years and we were all expecting his death. That didn’t make it easier or less painful. Losing a parent is hard whatever their age, whatever the circumstances. I felt I had grieved for years already, watching his decline, as he lost his memories, conversation, and recognition. By the time he died he was no longer the father I’d grown up with, but he was still my dad. The last time I saw him, he still clutched my hand and asked me to sit on his knee like he had when I was a small girl.

Grief is a strange beast and affects everyone differently. I spent the week after his death in a daze. Hours lasted days and days disappeared in minutes. Floods of tears and exhaustion overwhelmed me, yet at the same time I struggled to sleep. I was in shock, only able to think about my dad, his voice, his mannerisms, and his interests. The following week practicalities took over and I set myself the task of organising his funeral. Which was far more stressful than I imagined. And then I had to go back to work, which seemed wrong. Why was the world still turning when he’d gone? Then slowly it dawned on me I was looking forward to things, a yoga class that cheered me up, a rewarding coaching session, an event I was excited to go to. Each day was a mix of happiness, indifference, and grief. Tears leaking out over small things, then total absorption in whatever I was focussed on.

There is no right way to grieve. But I’d recommend you give yourself space to feel, however painful that might be. Take time off work. Do what makes you feel good. For me, this was walks by the sea, making a shrine to my dad, creating a memory box and writing long entries in my journal. Doing things I knew he would enjoy. In England we have few rituals for the passing of a loved one, so I created my own. Lighting a candle by his photo every night, the jasmine garland, wearing a black ribbon on my coat. Speaking to someone about him every day. These things helped me acknowledge his passing. I made sure I was eating and sleeping well. I found myself buying a furry hot water bottle, cosy socks, a fluffy cushion, comforting things to cuddle. My cats, recognising my need, sat on me whenever they could. Hugs, whether animal or human, were much required.

And so, life goes on and with it the grief. My father once said, when a close relative died, that though their body was gone, they were with you in your memories every day. It comforts me knowing that my dad will always be part of me. He helped form my values, beliefs, and taught me the importance of trying to make the world a better place. He lives on in his writing, my work and my parenting.

There are numerous models of grief but the one that resonates with me most is The Tonks Model (1996). Lois Tonkin, a grief counsellor, wrote that the intensity of the grief can be as strong as the initial loss, but life grows around the grief, so it feels less consuming. This is represented in the image below, where grief is the circle, and the square is life over time.

If you’re experiencing grief, be kind to yourself. Exhaustion, headaches, physical aches, nausea are all symptoms of grief, as well as sadness, tears and confusion. The modern world often expects us to move on, but our bodies take longer than we expect to process loss. So, if you’re grieving, whether of a loved one, a lost future, or the ending of an important relationship, give yourself time. Treat yourself well. Be kind to yourself. Grief is part of life and it’s important to acknowledge it.

Tonks model image courtesy of RD1st Death & Grief Handbook. Deb Barnard 2022

How meditation can increase your productivity

183:753452603 (Dominique De-Light) — Fri, 04 Nov 2022 06:00:00 GMT

Find that holiday relaxation every day

Have you noticed how the more stressed you are the more distracted you become? How it’s hard to focus when you have a million thoughts whirring round your brain? How a clenched jaw, a niggling headache and sweaty palms make you exhausted and unmotivated? All these symptoms of stress and overwhelm can really reduce your productivity – which in turn increases your stress, as the reason you’re feeling this way is probably because you have too much to do.

When you ask a busy person to take a break, they often reply, “I don’t have time.” Of course, you deserve a holiday, weeks off work relaxing on a sunny beach/by a hotel pool/strolling through the countryside but taking weeks, days or even hours off might not be an option. So how can you inject a little bit of that holiday relaxation into your life EVERY day?

You don’t need the whole afternoon, you don’t even need a whole hour, though obviously, the longer your break, the better the rest. If you’re pressed for time, just take five to fifteen minutes. Find a quiet spot (if nowhere else is available use the toilets – at least you know you won’t be disturbed) and take a few minutes for yourself. Download a meditation app – Headspace is great if you’ve never meditated before – you get a free trial which teaches how to meditate, or Insight Timer – 1000’s of meditations, searchable by time, all for free – and listen to a meditation. I guarantee you’ll feel calmer and more relaxed by the time it is finished. The things that stress you won’t have disappeared, but your ability to cope with them will be far better.

Meditation not only helps reduce stress, but also anxiety, can improve sleep, focus and concentration. It encourages big picture thinking and is great for problem solving and creativity. Practiced regularly over time it can increase feelings of compassion, empathy and lead to better mental and physical health. It’s a simple way to access that holiday relaxed feeling into your daily life. Better still, it costs nothing and only takes 5-10 minutes a day, so why not give it a try? Let me know how you get on.

How creativity can help your mental health

183:753452603 (Dominique De-Light) — Wed, 05 Oct 2022 05:00:00 GMT

Why you need creativity in your life

A recent survey in Mslexia , the writers’ magazine, found that writers experience more mental health issues than non-writers. Is this because creativity is a sign or result of mental health issues, or because people with mental health issues find writing helpful? More research needs to be done, but what’s certain, is that creativity, whether that’s writing, singing, dancing, or painting, can help with any mental health issues you’re facing.

When we’re anxious, we’re ruminating about perceived problems in the future. When we’re depressed, we’re absorbed in problems in our past. When we’re stressed and overwhelmed, we’re caught up in tasks, our mind whirling with to do lists. One thing that can help with all these conditions is to bring ourselves into the present. Focus on what we’re doing right now, let past and future disappear into concentrated absorption. Meditation, walks in nature and creativity can all help. When we’re in the creative flow we’re totally preoccupied, whatever form of creativity we choose.

It's said that one of the habits of highly successful people is taking the time to clear their head each morning. Whether that’s ten minutes of meditation or journal writing. Taking time to focus, reflect, write out thoughts, can be extremely beneficial not only to your mental health, but also your creativity. As Julia Cameron recommends in her habit of Morning Pages , by writing daily, worries are cleared aside and new ideas sprout, resulting in a more positive state of mind and a treasure trove of potentially new material.

Research has shown that regular journal writing can improve your mental health – but you must remember to end on a positive sentence or paragraph. If you end with negativity, you can spiral downwards. Likewise, nurturing the habit of writing gratitude lists results in a real uplift in mood within weeks.

Inhabiting imaginary worlds for months at a time whilst writing a story or novel, close observation when drawing, practicing dance moves, can take your mind off your worries and help work out your issues through your art. Writing is great for creating new narratives, whether you’re writing stories of life as you wish it to be or working through issues you’re dealing with through other characters’ eyes. So, whether you think of yourself as a writer or artist or not, consider bringing more creativity into your life, whether it’s writing, singing, or baking. And if you’re a committed artist already, try morning pages , it’s a great way to start your day and churns up ideas on a regular basis.

In my experience, the more creativity in my life, the better my mental health. There’s no reason you have to stop at one art form. If you write regularly, try drawing, if you paint, join a choir. The more creative things we do, the more they feed into each other. Visiting an art exhibition makes me look at the world in a different way, drawing makes me notice details I previously missed, singing gives me ideas for my stories, all feed my imagination, fill me with joy and make me a better writer and a healthier human being. What might you do to feed your creativity?

Are you busy or productive?

183:753452603 (Dominique De-Light) — Mon, 05 Sep 2022 05:00:00 GMT

How to work smarter not harder

In our world, there’s constant pressure to be always busy, to be seen as busy, to get tasks done straight away. This can lead to feeling overwhelmed.

Cyril Northcote Parkinson, the economist, wrote “Work expands to fill the time available for its completion.” If we have less time, we find efficiencies to complete the task.

Being busy means working harder, being productive means working smarter, getting the same amount done but in less time. Being busy is frantic, being productive is focused. Busy is fuelled by perfectionism, being productive is fuelled by purpose. Being busy is trying to be good at everything while being productive is about being great at a few important things.

When you’re constantly busy, you may feel like you’re doing a lot. However, you’re probably accomplishing very little. By being busy you increase your stress levels, your focus decreases, your ability to complete your tasks reduce. To be productive, you need to take a step back, rest, be calm, understand the difference between what is urgent and what is important. Daily meditation can help with this, regular breaks, fresh air and exercise can also help to. As can having a good work life balance.

Learning how to prioritise can also make a huge difference. Use the Eisenhower Matrix (see image below) to work out what is urgent, what can be delegated, what is important and what can be deleted. Check out this article for more information on the Eisenhower technique and see whether you can change your work life from busy to productive. And maybe you can find more time for doing the things you really love.

What is a creativity and wellbeing coach?

183:753452603 (Dominique De-Light) — Fri, 05 Aug 2022 05:00:00 GMT

How I can help your creativity and wellbeing

I do all kinds of coaching with all kinds of people, CEOs of large organisations, directors of social services, middle managers, front line staff, artists, and writers. As an experienced coach, you can, quite literally, coach anyone. I specialise in working with people on their creativity and wellbeing. For a CEO or front line worker, I’m often focusing on reducing overwhelm and stress, with writers and artists, I’m supporting their creative flow and productivity. But the two are intrinsically intertwined.

If you’re stressed it’s difficult to be creative. If you’re not creative, it’s difficult to see the bigger picture & find solutions to complex problems.

As a creativity and wellbeing coach, I work with people to optimise their wellbeing, looking at their work/life balance, ensuring time for self-care and a schedule and working behaviours that lead to greater productivity. I enable people to increase their creative flow, so they can maximise their output, find imaginative solutions for complex problems, whether that’s how to finish a novel, host an exhibition, or resolve challenging personnel issues.

My work starts with you and the problems that you face. A challenging workload, a fast approaching deadline, caring commitments, lack of self-belief; whatever is holding you back from achieving your long held dream – whether that’s a completed novel, a happier work life, or more time for you.

How do I work? By listening, asking astute questions, using neurolinguistic and cognitive behavioural techniques, I help you find the solutions to your problems, find motivation to follow through on a realistic action plan that you create. I work with the mind and the body to dig deep and create lasting change, ensuring that the solutions you come up with work for you. I support you on your journey, holding you accountable. Don’t just take it from me – here’s a quote from a client:

" Dominique helped me to explore the many ways that I hold myself back and enabled me to ask difficult questions and challenge myself. After each session I felt revved up and ready to go again. Dominique does not remove power from an individual by telling them what to do, but enables them to explore their own goals, so they understand more how to make things happen after being stuck. I would recommend Dominique to anyone - she is kind, nurturing and caring and has enabled me to find clarity where there has not been any for a while! "

Anna Barzotti, Writer

Through working with me, my clients have gone on to complete manuscripts, publish books, hold exhibitions, negotiate better contracts, move up the career ladder, restructure organisations and introduce a ‘coaching culture’ at work. What would you like to achieve?

If you have any questions or would like to have a free fifteen minute consultation to discuss how I can help you, why not contact me ?

The Power of Vulnerability

183:753452603 (Dominique De-Light) — Fri, 01 Jul 2022 05:00:00 GMT

How accepting vulnerability can change your life

We spend much of our lives thinking and trying to be what we think we should be. Internal scripts laid down by our family, our society, our upbringing, lead us to follow specific careers, moral codes, and particular belief systems. For example, I was brought up to be honest, hardworking, and to do work that was considered ‘worthwhile.’ But there are other ‘shoulds’ that might not be so helpful, such as the view that showing vulnerability is a weakness and unprofessional. Whether you’re an athlete, a manager, an artist, a CEO, strength was, for years, seen as an asset. Resilience was often confused with the idea of strength, that successful people got knocked back down and bounced right back again.

But times have changed, and people have realised that vulnerability is itself a strength. That resilience is about recognising vulnerability and becoming more self-compassionate, through self-care and self-awareness. That when we get knocked down, we know how to look after ourselves, so we don’t bounce back to where we were, but we bounce forward, to a place of greater self-knowledge. Think of Simone Biles, the great US American artistic gymnast, who shared her vulnerability with the world when she stepped down from competing at the Tokyo Games in 2021. How brave and strong she was, to admit to vulnerability, and look after herself in the face of huge pressure and an international audience.

As a charity CEO I thought I always had to be the strong one, carrying the organisation, fundraising for people’s salaries, supporting my staff, but not sharing my vulnerability made me stressed and under pressure and left me feeling unsupported. Which was no one’s fault except my own. As a mother and stepmother to four children, I thought I needed to hide my difficult emotions, fearing I’d scare my children, feeling I needed them to think I could cope with everything. But no one is invincible, and by sharing that I sometimes felt sad or overwhelmed, I showed them how you feel is important, and so is self-care.

As a writer I spent years avoiding writing about difficult life events, though they seeped into my stories. I was scared people would judge me, that shame and guilt would consume me. Yet when I finally completed my memoir, I felt nothing but relief. Finally, I could be myself, I was no longer trying to hide parts of my life.

I remember the moment clearly when I realised that vulnerability was a strength. The coach I was seeing at the time recommended I watch Brene Brown’s TED talk on the power of vulnerability . Brene is a University of Texas researcher on courage, vulnerability, shame, and empathy. I made myself a bubble bath and whilst soaking in the suds, I watched her speak. She talks of how if we feel isolated then we need to be seen, really seen. Let go of who we think we should be and connect authentically with others, embrace our imperfections, be honest about who we are, acknowledge our vulnerability, and live by it.

Though showing our vulnerability can be scary, and it’s not easy feeling exposed, living with vulnerability can change your life. It means you’re more open to sharing your feeling, encouraging empathy in your relationships, whether at work or at home. It means working with uncomfortable feelings, the ‘raw edges’ of our worlds, where, creatively the best work happens, and the most self-development occurs. It changed my life in every way. In the way I related to people, my creative and professional work. Why not check out Brene Brown’s talk and see if it will change yours?

Reducing negative thoughts

183:753452603 (Dominique De-Light) — Fri, 03 Jun 2022 05:00:00 GMT

How to take control of Automatic Negative Thoughts (ANTs)

Are you troubled by negative thoughts? Do you find yourself unable to complete a project, constantly procrastinating, or struggling to talk to a colleague because of negative thoughts circling your head? Perhaps they stop you socialising or prevent you feeling good about yourself. Everyone experiences negative thoughts - humans were designed to think negative to protect themselves from risk but too many negative thoughts can hold you back – both professionally and personally.

So how do you overcome them? You can feel controlled by your thoughts. Thoughts lead to actions so a negative thought such as, “I can’t complete this project, it’s a waste of time, no one will think it’s any good,” can lead to inaction, the project isn’t completed and there’s no feedback because there’s nothing to feedback on. The negative thoughts are fulfilled.

However, you can get control over your thoughts, which can lead to different thoughts and different actions, resulting in more positive outcomes. Automatic Negative Thoughts, or ANTS as they’re called, can be reframed using the following CBT technique. Why not reflect on an ANT of your own and work through this exercise, swapping out the answers for situation, feeling, ANT etc headings with your own.

Situation : Project deadline

Feeling : Anxious, worried

Automatic Negative Thought (ANT) : I can’t do it. It’s a waste of time. No one will think it is any good.

Evidence that supports this thought : I have failed to finish projects before.

Evidence that doesn’t support it. Challenge it: I finished a project last year that I got great feedback on. That project is what inspired this project.

Alternative, more positive thought: I could break this project down into small steps, getting feedback as I go. This will make it more manageable, and the feedback could help shape the project.

Feeling : More positive. I don’t need to fear the deadline.

At first this exercise might feel a bit clunky and artificial, but by practicing you’ll find yourself streamlining it and automatically challenging ANTS. I use it a lot with coaching clients but also with children – they love the thought of stopping ANTS in their tracks. It can become a quick round of questions:

“I’m no good at this.”

“What makes you think that?”

“Jenny said it wasn’t good enough.”

“When was your work good enough?”

“Last week, Jenny really liked the work I did.”

“So, how might you think about it instead?”

“That I can do good work, if I stay focussed and on track.”

“So, how might you do that?”

“I could put aside time in the morning to do the work when I’m less distracted.”

“How do you feel about it now?”

“More positive, with a plan to move forward.”

If you experience ANTS and find that they are holding you back, why not give it a go? It’s a super easy technique and can bring great rewards. I’ve been using it personally for a while now and have really noticed a shift in my motivation and my inner self talk. I hope it works for you too.

How to be your own best friend

183:753452603 (Dominique De-Light) — Fri, 06 May 2022 04:00:00 GMT

Being kind to yourself

Hopefully, you’ve got lots of friends. People who support and comfort you, people who make you laugh. We all need friends, whether for distraction, fun or a sounding board. But friends aren’t always available and, sometimes in our darkest moments, what we need is to be our own best friend.

We’re all familiar with the inner critic, the negative voice that tells us how stupid we’re being, how bad we look, how better we could be if only we really tried. It’s annoying but the result of evolution. That little voice, the self-doubt, stopped us from eating poisonous plants, or venturing too far from the tribe, keeping us safe when survival depended on it. But now, when food can be bought from the local shop and a roof is hopefully keeping you warm and dry, it’s time to dial down the negative voice and develop a nurturing voice instead. A calm adult voice that reassures, that reminds you how you’ve succeeded before and you can succeed again, that you can do this (whatever the ‘this’ is).

Kristen Neff, a psychologist, Professor at University of Texas, and self-compassion researcher, has a fantastic website, with lots of exercises, audios, and meditations to help you develop this voice. The following writing exercise is taken from her website and is a great way to be your own best friend.

Part One: Which imperfections make you feel inadequate? – 5 mins

Everybody has something about themselves that they don’t like; something that causes them to feel shame, to feel insecure, or not “good enough.” It is the human condition to be imperfect, and feelings of failure and inadequacy are part of the experience of living a human life. Try writing about an issue you have that makes you feel inadequate or bad about yourself (physical appearance, work, or relationship issues…) What emotions come up for you? Just feel your emotions exactly as they are – no more, no less – and then write about them.

Part Two: Write a letter to yourself from the perspective of an unconditionally loving imaginary friend – 10 mins

Now think about an imaginary friend who is unconditionally loving, accepting, kind and compassionate. Imagine this friend can see all your strengths and all your weaknesses, including the aspect of yourself you have just been writing about. Reflect upon what this friend feels towards you, and how you are loved and accepted exactly as you are, with all your very human imperfections. This friend is kind and forgiving towards you. They understand your life history and the millions of things that have happened to create you as you are. Your particular inadequacy is connected to so many things you didn’t necessarily choose: your genes, your family history, life circumstances – things outside of your control.

Write a letter to yourself from the perspective of this friend – focusing on the perceived inadequacy you tend to judge yourself for.

-What would this friend say to you about your “flaw” from the perspective of unlimited compassion?

-How would this friend convey the deep compassion he/she feels for you, especially the pain you feel when you judge yourself so harshly?

-What would this friend write to remind you you’re only human, that all people have both strengths and weaknesses?

-What would they suggest that embody feelings of unconditional understanding and compassion?

Try to infuse your letter with a strong sense of his/her acceptance, kindness, caring, and desire for your health and happiness.

Part Three: Feel the compassion as it soothes and comforts you

Read your letter again later, really letting the words sink in. Feel the compassion as it pours into you, soothing and comforting you. Love, connection, and acceptance are your birthright. To claim them you need only look within yourself.

If you do this exercise, do let me know how it works for you. Meanwhile, please be kind to yourself, you deserve it.

What happens in a coaching session?

183:753452603 (Dominique De-Light) — Wed, 06 Apr 2022 08:19:08 GMT

How does coaching work?

I get asked this question a lot. To me, it’s obvious, it’s my job. But to those who’ve never been coached before, coaching can seem like a mysterious, magical art. People might know colleagues or friends who through coaching have increased their confidence, become more focussed, or created a clear action plan to achieve a task – whether that’s write a novel, change jobs, commit to a regular exercise routine. Or maybe the outcomes were less obvious, but equally radical, with friends and colleagues being less stressed, kinder to themselves, and happier with their lives.

These are all common coaching results but how does it work? I don’t have a magic wand or secret potion. Just coaching training and twenty years of experience mentoring and supporting others to change their lives. Coaches differ in their methods and techniques so I can only tell you what I do but all coaches work on the principle that the client has the solutions to their issues. We’re there to support the client to find the answers.

“If I have the solutions, why do I need you?” I hear you ask. Well, if you know the answers to what you need to do then maybe you don’t need me. But do you have the motivation to follow through? People come to coaches when they’re not sure how to proceed, when they’re stuck, when they can’t follow through. They also come when they lack confidence, when they’re struggling to achieve what they want to achieve, and when they feel confused.

I usually recommend a client commits to six sessions, meeting once a month. This way, what happens in the sessions are like seeds sown, between sessions, the seeds grow and develop, and in the next meeting we reflect and review how things have gone. Sometimes people want sessions closer together, or less sessions but of longer duration. The package I provide depends on the individual. That package may include exercises, resources, accountability emails, between sessions to continue and embed the work.

What happens in a session? Coaching provides a deep thinking space. Giving you the opportunity to really reflect and unpack what you want to consider. I ask astute questions, I may, if appropriate, get you to do exercises – based on neurolinguistic, CBT or embodiment techniques. These may involve moving round the room, moving your body gently, following a set of instructions. All are based on the latest neuroscience and learnings from the counselling, psychotherapy, and coaching worlds, as to what helps people move forward, let go of limiting beliefs and make positive changes. I may make suggestions, but usually I don’t. The onus is on you to do the work. I hold the space, ask the questions, and get you to do the thinking.

And how does it work? By providing people a place where they are truly listened to, given the chance to dream, reflect and find solutions to their issues, coaching results in increased confidence, as people work out what they want and how to do it. It is a very empowering process. By challenging limiting beliefs, the inner critic, exploring people’s realities and the options available to them, solutions are found, actions are identified. Each session ends with an action list, if appropriate, so clients are moving forward towards their goal each time. Over months this adds up to changed behaviour and thinking.

If you want to know the difference between coaching and mentoring see my blog post here . And read this if you want to understand the difference between 1:1 coaching and group coaching. If you have any more questions, or think coaching would be good for you, why not get in touch? You can write to me here .

One to one coaching vs group coaching

183:753452603 (Dominique De-Light) — Thu, 10 Mar 2022 13:56:43 GMT

The differences and benefits of each

I offer one to one coaching and group coaching. Sometimes I also deliver coaching workshops. What’s the difference and what are the benefits of each? How do you know which will be right for you?

Working one to one is great if you want to dive deep. Maybe there is a particular issue you want to work on, a goal you want to achieve or a problem you want to solve. For example, you’re struggling to complete a project and have a deadline you need to meet. Or you feel overwhelmed by what you must do and don’t see how you’re going to achieve it all by the time you need to. Or maybe you’re unhappy with how you’re spending most of your time and know you need to refocus but are not sure how. One to one coaching is bespoke to you. We discuss your problems, identify your goals and through our sessions work out strategies, tools you can use and create an action plan to help you get to where you want to be. Usually, I work with people for about six months but sometimes it can be shorter and sometimes longer.

Coaching workshops have a topic – I often deliver workshops on reducing overwhelm, or finding time, or finding your purpose. These 2-3 hour themed workshops enable you to work through exercises, discuss as a group and work in pairs to explore an aspect of your life and find solutions for the issue we’re looking at. You won’t have one to one time with me, but you will still be held in a deep thinking space, still be asked questions that make you reflect and still can create your own action plan. And there will be others with you facing similar challenges and also looking for answers. Coaching workshops are great if want help with a particular topic and don't have much time to spare.

Group coaching is a combination of both the options above. My group coaching programmes are targeted - for artists, for writers, for arts and health workers, for example. They consist of six, two-hour sessions, which take place over six months, each session with its own theme. Using special group coaching exercises, we explore people’s feelings towards the session theme, how they can overcome limiting beliefs, gain new perspectives, and find new strategies for the issue discussed. As well as creating a deep thinking space and being a chance to reflect on issues participants find challenging, a peer support network is created, as the group works together on finding solutions that work for them. This means that you benefit from other’s experience and ideas, find potential collaborators, or work buddies, and have a group you can continue to access once the programme is over. As a six month group coaching programme costs less than six months one to one coaching, it is also more affordable, making it a good option for those who want to try out coaching. So, group coaching is good for those who want to dive deeper with the support of a group.

I often run group coaching programmes in collaboration with other organisations – for example, whilst writing this, I’m running an arts practitioner’s coaching programme with Brighton and Hove Pride Culture ConneX and I’m in discussions with another organisation to run one for writers. So, if you’re interested in group coaching, or any of the other options I’ve mentioned above, do get in touch .

The Difference between Coaching and Mentoring

183:753452603 (Dominique De-Light) — Fri, 11 Feb 2022 06:00:00 GMT

Which is best to solve your problem?

You’ve got a problem you want to solve. Maybe, it’s how to finish your manuscript on time. Or how to create more artwork in the limited time you’ve got. Maybe, it’s a broader question, for example, how do I develop my idea? You desperately want the world to see your talent, but you feel as though you’re being held back, by lack of time, lack of confidence, or lack of clarity.

You think a mentor or coach might help, but you’re not sure of the difference. As someone who works as both, let me explain.

A mentor is traditionally someone who has more experience than you in what you’re trying to achieve. So, if you’re trying to complete a book, it might be a published author or someone who has worked in the publishing industry. You discuss your issues, and the mentor advises a suggested course of action. They might say how it was for them, suggest strategies, even introduce you to some of their contacts, if appropriate. The relationship tends to follow a teacher/pupil dynamic, where the mentor has the expertise, and you are there to learn from them. This can be incredibly helpful with practical issues, for example, is my novel structure working, are my characters developed enough, how can I put on an exhibition?

A coach will rarely advise you. With coaching it is an equal relationship, where the coach asks astute questions to get you thinking about your problem and they help you find the answers. The solutions, the strategies, the plan of action comes from you. In this way it is more empowering, revealing that you have the resources within yourself to solve whatever you face. Therefore, coaching often results in participants experiencing a massive confidence boost. Also, few of us like being told what to do and what worked for one person might not work for another. Such as the author who had her book published because she and her well connected agent went to school together. You might not have those opportunities.

We are far less likely to implement an action plan if we didn’t come up with the idea, because we haven’t taken true ownership of it. That’s why coaching often sees better results than mentoring. Mentoring seems like a quick fix—get the answers from someone else—but as we haven’t done the work to find the solutions, we often don’t follow through, and goals are less likely to be achieved.

Which, though I still offer mentoring as a service, is why I usually recommend coaching to people. In my experience, it has deeper results, long lasting impact, and you’re more likely to achieve your goals. It’s also great for exploring tricky issues, the ones we don’t realise are the true reason we’re holding ourselves back—our unconscious limiting beliefs, our fear of success, our attitudes around money and thoughts about what we ‘should’ be doing.

Some coaches offer a blend of mentoring and coaching, getting you to find solutions but also offering advice. I do this occasionally. For example, if we’re discussing ways to raise your online profile and I know a social media course that will help, I’ll ask if you’re interested in my advice, and if you agree, I’ll share my knowledge.

I hope this blog post helps, but if you have further questions, do get in touch. I’d love to hear from you.

A simple technique to improve focus

183:753452603 (Dominique De-Light) — Thu, 13 Jan 2022 13:06:30 GMT

Finding yourself constantly distracted? Try this!

Do you find yourself struggling to focus when you have a day of tasks ahead? Do you look at your ‘to do’ list and flit between tasks, hopping from phone notification, to email, to writing, to making a phone call, never quite finishing that document you were working on, or finding your mind split between jobs?

This is a common condition, especially in the modern world with constant pings from technology interrupting our flow. So how do you overcome distraction and stay focussed? In the long term, regular meditation is great for reducing mind-flit and improving focus, but meditation isn’t for everyone and in the short term, the Pomodoro technique is a great tool that anyone, meditation guru or not, can use.

It’s incredibly simple; you break your workday into 25-minute chunks separated by five-minute breaks. These intervals are referred to as pomodoros. After about four pomodoros, you take a longer break of about 15 to 20 minutes.

These timed chunks instil a sense of urgency so you’re less likely to be distracted as you know you must take a break in 25 minutes. The regular breaks help you feel less frazzled, which helps keep your calm and your focus. So, you’re not constantly checking your clock, you can download a pomodoro timer on your phone to help keep you on track. By breaking your work into chunks, it also helps turn big projects into manageable tasks, reducing your sense of overwhelm. What’s not to love?

As for the name, Pomodoro is the Italian word for tomato. Francesco Cirillo, an Italian university student, who came up with the technique, used a tomato shaped timer to measure his 25-minute sessions and the word stuck. Just goes to show, the humble kitchen utensil can be as inspiring as any mountain landscape.

If you use pomodoro and find it works for you, get in touch . I love to hear how productivity methods help people, and if you have other techniques, let me know what works for you.

Meeting your shadow to free up creativity

183:753452603 (Dominique De-Light) — Fri, 17 Dec 2021 06:00:00 GMT

Dealing with negative morning thoughts

Have you heard of Morning Pages? Made famous by Julia Cameron, author of The Artist’s Way , this simple exercise requires you to write long hand, three pages of writing, a stream of consciousness, on first waking. This clears your mind of worries and thoughts that may impede your creativity. It’s a fantastic exercise to get the creative juices flowing.

There’s no need to worry about what you are writing or how you are writing, this is not about beautifully written words, this is about clearing the space for creativity to flourish. Cortisol, the stress hormone, is often higher when we wake than at any other time, meaning many of us start the morning feeling worried and anxious. Rather than letting this ruin your day, morning pages enable you to clear negative thoughts and as you write you may find unconscious ideas bubbling up that may lead to new stories or arts projects.

Julia calls it “ meeting your shadow and taking it for a cup of coffee .” Often, we want to avoid or deny difficult feelings, but with Morning Pages, we face them head on. In doing so, they lose their power. Rather than spending the day worrying or using energy to avoid negative thoughts, writing them down frees up our mind for more positive endeavours. So why not give Morning Pages a go? Your words do not have to make sense; your sentences can jump from subject to subject. Just write whatever is going through your mind, and if your mind is blank, write ‘ my mind is blank ’, until something comes into it. This is the time to be free, no inner critic, no judgement, just pure stream of consciousness. And in the expression of our mind, the play of words on the page, who knows what might happen, what great ideas may emerge?

To hear Julia talk about morning pages see her website .

Seeing things from a new perspective

183:753452603 (Dominique De-Light) — Thu, 18 Nov 2021 06:30:00 GMT

How to gain a different point of view

Would you like to shift your perspective? Get out your head space and see things from a different point of view? Perhaps there’s a difficult conversation you need to have or you’re not seeing eye to eye with someone. There’s lots of coaching tools to help with this. One I particularly like is the ‘third entity exercise.’ It’s an enormously powerful and can be used with individuals, couples, and teams. Some might say as a coach I should keep secret the tricks of our trade, but I believe in sharing useful methods.

The exercise is based on the premise that “everyone is right – only partially.” That we learn from different perspectives, if only we listen to them. And when I say different perspectives, it can be a different person, or even a different entity–I’ve had remarkable success with clients who have chosen to have their manuscript or artwork as the other perspective¬. However, it will only work if you care about the relationship and want it to be successful.

In the exercise we imagine the relationship as a triangle, exploring three perspectives - your own, a second person or entity, and then the relationship itself. By doing this you not only hear another’s viewpoint, you also understand how the relationship can flourish – what is needed to succeed. It helps develop empathy, compassion, a more objective viewpoint, and can also be incredibly nurturing.

If this interests you, work through the following steps.

1. Physically stand up and move to ‘Your’ corner of the triangle. Imagine the other person/entity in their corner. (Really imagine them, what they look like, how they are standing etc). Name the issue and say what you feel – really feel, physically and emotionally and what you want. Use ‘I’ statements such as “I feel,” “I want.”

2. Physically walk to the other corner of the triangle that represents the other person/entity. Take a moment to be in their shoes. If you can, stand the way they stand. Feel how they might be feeling. This can be hard, but the more you get into their mindset, the better the exercise will work. Now look to the original corner where you were standing and address it, speaking as the second person/entity – saying what they feel and need – again use “I feel,” “I want” statements.

You may want to repeat steps 1 and 2 a couple of times to really vent each perspective – don’t skip feelings.

3. Move to the third position in the triangle – standing between the two other positions with a little distance between you and them. This is the third entity– the relationship itself. It is not you or them, it is ‘we’ or ‘the relationship.’ It helps to put your arms out as if holding the other two perspectives. Without either of them, the third entity would not exist – these are your people!

Answer the following questions:

- What does the relationship feel as it looks at these two people?

- What does the relationship know that they don’t?

- What does the relationship need from them as a pair to move forward?

4. Move back to your original position – ‘Your’ corner. What is new for you now? What is one action you’d like to take knowing what you now know?

I hope you find the exercise useful. Do let me know if you do!

Would you like to be a confident writer?

183:753452603 (Dominique De-Light) — Thu, 21 Oct 2021 09:45:00 GMT

How to increase your writing confidence

A client this week said she wanted to be a more confident writer.

“If only I was more confident, I’d succeed.” I hear this often.

“When you say confident what do you mean?” I asked. For we all have our own definitions and I wanted to ensure I understood her correctly.

As she talked about what writing confidence meant to her; a robust structure, a pacy plot, convincing characters, consistent editing, it sounded like she was describing a finished, polished piece of work. Yet she was on her first draft. She had been thorough in her planning and her plotting, and this was not her first book, so she knew she was at the start of her project. However, maybe because she was already published, she felt her writing ‘should’ be better, that somehow the first draft ‘should’ be more polished.

This type of thinking trips up creatives all the time. The feeling we ‘should’ be able to create something fully formed – or if not fully formed, at least halfway there. We have a fantastic idea and then don’t understand why when we come to realise it, it doesn’t immediately resemble the image in our mind. Or maybe we have a half formed idea and hope it will come to full fruition on the page, and when it doesn’t, we’re disappointed. This can lead to despair, the rearing of the critical voice, “Call yourself a writer? This is rubbish!” When we start listening to the inner critic, creativity slows and can freeze completely.

All great work takes time. If we compare our work-in-progress with work published, we are doing ourselves a disservice. It is like comparing a child with a fully grown adult. A seedling with an established tree. A book in a bookshop has been through many drafts, professional editing, proofreaders, it is the finished product. Of course, our first draft, or even our fifth draft, is not going to stand up to comparison.

If we want our creativity, and creative confidence to flourish, we need to ignore the inner critic, remind ourselves this is a work-in-progress, acknowledge and praise the work we are doing, whether it is an hour a day, a sentence, or an idea gained from staring out the window. Remind ourselves, creativity responds to play not pressure, that too much thinking can lead us down rabbit holes and sometimes we need to reconnect with our bodies to solve creative problems. The more we take the pressure off, the more we experiment and reconnect with our physical selves, the writing will flow, clarity will emerge and the energy to sustain yourself through your project will come. In the doing, the creation and consistent practice, your writing confidence will grow.

So, ask yourself, is your writing good enough for the stage you are at? That’s all that’s required for now. Take the pressure off and have faith in yourself.

You are a good writer and with time, you can be great.

Writing for Wellbeing

183:753452603 (Dominique De-Light) — Thu, 23 Sep 2021 05:00:00 GMT

Write Yourself to Better Mental Health

You’ve probably realised by now that I think mindfulness, connection to nature and moving your body can help your wellbeing. But one big thing I have used all my life to make me feel better is creative self-expression and I’m shocked I’ve not written about it on this blog before.

Whether it is dancing, painting, writing, singing, or any other creative art form, creativity can help you access flow state, improve your mood, release difficult feelings, and create beautiful, powerful work. Personally, I’m a great fan of writing. Whether it is a weekly journal entry, writing a short story or compiling a memoir or novel, I love how writing absorbs me entirely, taking me into a different world and helps process my thoughts.

I work with lots of artists, writers, arts and health practitioners, whether it is 1:1 coaching, training, workshops or facilitating meetings. For those that don’t know me personally, I have a background in the arts and I’m passionate about creativity and wellbeing. I am constantly amazed how creativity has the power to heal and how powerful self-expression can be. So, even if you’ve never written creatively before, why not try the following exercise and see if it helps your wellbeing?

Note: Stay safe: Make sure that you are feeling emotionally strong enough to do the following exercise, and if you think it may bring up difficult feelings, ensure you have enough time to deal with them and if possible, that you have someone you can talk to if necessary. Always look after yourself.

Star Solutions

1. Think about a favourite character from a book or a film – writing quickly, describe them briefly:

– Who are they? – what clothes do they wear, how old are they?

– What book/film do they feature in? – summarise the story

– What kind of personalities do they have?

– Why are they your favourite character?

– What do you admire about them?

2. Now think of something you are currently finding difficult to deal with.

3. Imagine you are your favourite character – how would they deal with the issue you are thinking of? Write a story where they have to deal with the difficulties you are experiencing. Do they find a solution?

Your character may have the power to fly to outer space or access resources that are not available to you, meaning their solution might not work for you. If this is the case, add one final paragraph to your writing. What would your character advise you to do, considering the resources you have to hand?

I hope this helps. As always, let me know how you get on.

The power of listening

183:753452603 (Dominique De-Light) — Mon, 23 Aug 2021 10:45:00 GMT

The magic of listening circles

In the last couple of months, I’ve had the privilege of being part of two listening circles and facilitating one. The idea of Listening Circles has been around for a while, building on Carl Rogers ‘Encounter groups’ which were huge in the late seventies and early eighties. Brigid Russell, a coach and Charlie Jones, a clinical psychologist, relaunched the concept in 2020 as a response to Covid-19 and the new stresses and isolation that the pandemic was creating.

A Listening Circle is exactly that – a circle of people that come together to listen to each other. There is no dialogue, no judgement, no analysis. It is an opportunity to be heard and to witness each other. There are three rounds, with each person having a few minutes each round to talk, and each round participants respond to a different question. Round one – How are you and what is on your mind right now? Round two – What are your reflections and feelings now, in light of what you heard in Round one? And Round three – What have you appreciated and what will you take away from today? A facilitator keeps time and prompts each question.

The simple structure enables the magic and power of listening. Carl Rogers believe we all have an innate drive to heal ourselves, if only we are given the ‘necessary and sufficient conditions’ within a listening space. With no dialogue there is no judgement, analysis, or labelling, leaving us with a space to heal ourselves. The Circle enables us to be ‘seen’, our emotions witnessed, helping us to really ‘see’ ourselves.

Though the idea is simple, the result is profound. In my experience of Listening Circles, there is a magic that happens when a group of people come together to witness each other, whether they are strangers or people you know. You experience trust, authenticity, the willingness to hold each other. You can be courageous, vulnerable, or chose to opt out, the choice is yours. In doing so, I found myself innately trusting strangers, speaking, and hearing truths that touched me to my core, I felt connection with my fellow participants, despite participating via a zoom and a laptop screen. I arrived burdened by feelings, I left full of light and faith in humanity.

Listening Circles empower, heal, and build trust. Trusting others nurtures ourselves and develops a culture of kindness. This world certainly needs more kindness and so do we. So, if you’re interested in setting up a Listening Circle, get in touch, and I’ll direct you to more information and resources.

#spacesforlistening

How to cope with shame

183:753452603 (Dominique De-Light) — Tue, 13 Jul 2021 14:08:26 GMT

Three tips to help with shame

Shame comes up a lot in coaching sessions. Whether it is the feeling we have done something wrong, that we are not good enough, that we ‘should’ do better or shame about sharing creative work that is not perfect, or a difficult situation we have been in or want to write about. You don’t have to an English footballer who’s missed a penalty to feel shame, it’s a common human reaction when we feel we have violated social norms or feel humiliated and exposed.

Shame is often tied up with a negative critical inner voice and believing there is something wrong with you. It is caused by a consciousness of guilt, shortcoming, or impropriety. Shame can lead to depression, anxiety, and paranoia but it can also encourage us to behave better, prompting us to alter our conduct.

If shame is linked to trauma, it can become embedded and do much harm, creating a cycle of distress that can disrupt your ability to live a fulfilled life. So how can you cope and overcome feelings of shame?

If the shame is a result of genuinely doing something wrong, then taking responsibility, acknowledging your role, and showing remorse will help. If the shame is due to a critical inner voice or judgemental attitudes of others, there are other steps you can take to foster self-compassion and self-care. By being kinder to yourself, you encourage self-acceptance and release unnecessary shame.

Being kind to yourself is no easy feat. It takes courage to stand up to your inner critic and encourage self-forgiveness. Try these three simple steps to encourage your self-compassion.

1. Boost your nurturing inner voice.

Our critical inner voice is usually the loudest. By repeating positive affirmations, we can encourage a nurturing inner voice that can drown out the criticism. Try repeating the following phrases:

My feelings are valid – I’m allowed to feel how I feel.

I am good at (fill in the blank) and (fill in the blank), I will find a way through this.

I have the resources in myself to deal with whatever I have to face.

I deserve to be treated with kindness and respect.

If these don’t work for you, find your own, maybe what works for you changes over time, that’s OK too.

2. Get in touch with your body.

Often shame and self-criticism can have us trapped in our heads, with circling doubts and worries creating a spiral of shame. Find a way that works for you to reconnect to your body, whether it’s yoga, going on a walk or dancing in your kitchen. Notice how your body feels, the sensations of moving, the environment that you are in. Can you release any tension you feel through movement?

3. Take some deep breaths

By focusing on your breath, taking deep belly breaths, in through your nose and slowly out through your mouth, you will become more focussed on the present moment. Like movement, this will help stop any spiralling thoughts and ground you in the present. Allowing yourself to focus on the process of movement and breathing, focusing on how you physically feel, helps you detach from how it looks to others, and enables you to practice self-compassion.

However, you feel, don’t judge yourself. Try to accept where you are and acknowledge that this feeling, like all feelings, will pass in time. Releasing judgements and the expectations of others is challenging work so be proud that you are tackling it. In time, with work, you will find it easier to be kinder to yourself. Self-compassion is a fantastic resource that can help you lead a happier and healthier life, so celebrate the work you’re doing; it will help you get through whatever life throws your way.

When to listen to your instinct

183:753452603 (Dominique De-Light) — Tue, 22 Jun 2021 13:49:09 GMT

Using intuition to help make decisions.

For years the medical establishment saw the body and mind as two separate entities, but new research is revealing the two are intricately connected. Our bodies are part of our minds, bodily sensations feed into our nervous system and provoke emotions, thought and actions. Whether it is the latest research on gut health and its effect on our mental health or Stephen Porges Poly Vagal Nerve theory which provides insight into how our central nervous system works, more and more evidence is piling up that we should listen to our bodies and our ‘gut instinct’.

Relying on intuition has had a bad reputation in the past especially in the western world where analytic thinking has been seen as best. However gut feelings are the result of lots of processing in the brain and the body, producing solutions based on your experience. Intuitions occur when your brain makes a match between what it knows and your current experience, but this match has not yet reached your conscious awareness. Our subconscious stores knowledge that if we can access it, can be enormously helpful. It’s not that we either think analytically or intuitively, it is that we do both at the same time. Analytic thinking may start from an intuitive thought. Some see intuition as sloppy and inaccurate, but overthinking can also seriously hinder decision making. Intuition can fall prey to misguidance, like cognitive biases, but if you familiarise yourself with common cognitive biases you can spot them in future occasions, see how to do this here .

Intuition is a fast subconscious thinking style that can provide us with useful information that analysis can’t. So, listen to your intuition then consider whether your gut instinct has correctly assessed the situation. Do you have experience of this? Does the intuition involve cognitive biases, if not, feel free to trust it. Your body holds the answers to your dilemmas, we have just spent so long ignoring it, believing others know better, that we have cut ourselves off from this highly valuable tool.

To get in touch with your gut feeling, deeply listen to your body. Find somewhere quiet and comfortable and close your eyes. Spend a couple of minutes focusing on your breath. Once you had adjusted to listening to your inhale and exhale, connect with your body, what is it telling you?

What a kitten can teach us

183:753452603 (Dominique De-Light) — Tue, 18 May 2021 10:58:11 GMT

Life lessons from the kitten front line

Confession time. I love cats. Maybe you’re a dog person, but don’t judge me and please, don’t stop reading. As the happy owner of a new kitten, I’ve realised they can teach us a lot. It appears kittens can be more than cute and cuddly; they can impart valuable life lessons too.

We’ve had Mimi, an eight week old tabby for ten days now and this is what she has taught me:

1. Rest when you need to . Kittens sleep for twenty hours a day, which is way more than you or I need to but knowing when you need a rest and taking it, is vital if we’re to look after our physical and mental health. Constantly putting off that tea break or burning the midnight oil will do you no favours.

2. Play when you can . In the four hours kittens are awake, they play constantly, whether it is chasing their tail, unravelling your expensive rug, or climbing bookcases. They make the most of every moment, having fun whilst they learn. Is there a way you can increase play in your life?

3. Explore. Be curious. Kittens investigate everything, crawl into every corner. By knowing their environment, they feel safe and find the best places to hang out – who knew there was a cosy spot under the corner of my desk? Can you keep a ‘beginner’s mind’ – open, curious, to help you solve problems you face? Often the answers are right in front of us, but we find it difficult to see what we see all the time.

4. Give affection and you will reap affection in return. Mimi will snuggle onto my lap whilst I’m writing an email, purring much louder than one would expect from such a tiny ball of fluff. In response, I stroke her and feel myself smiling. She spreads joy. What would life be like for you if you were the spreader of joy? If you gave people affection and they returned it in equal measure? Even if you’re surrounded by love, consider how wonderful life would be with more affection in it.

5. Eat only as much as you need. Kittens eat five times a day, small amounts for small stomachs. They take what they need then leave the rest till later. Unlike us humans who fail frequently to manage our appetites, who eat out of habit, or stress, or because we just can’t resist. Whether it is five small meals a day, or avoiding snacking between three large ones, see if you can only eat when you really need to, your health will thank you for it.

6. Be brave and adventurous. We have another cat, four-year-old Kali, who wasn’t impressed by Mimi’s arrival. But the kitten didn’t let the fact a cat seven times her size was hissing stop her from repeatedly approaching her and trying to make friends. Sometimes we must be brave and take a risk to get what we truly want. It’s paying off for Mimi, they are now happy to share the same space and it’s only been a couple of weeks. What would your life be like if you had all the confidence and courage you needed?

7. Take your time. Our kitten doesn’t think ‘I should have done this by now,’ ‘why am I such a failure?’ There have no expectations. What would your life be like if you reduced your expectations, eased off the pressure, took the time you need to get things done rather than feeling like everything had to be done yesterday?

I could go on. Mimi has brought much happiness and provoked deep thought but for now, I’ll leave you with some very cute pictures of her and let you contemplate the questions above.

How to overcome distractions and become laser focussed.

183:753452603 (Dominique De-Light) — Tue, 20 Apr 2021 13:06:21 GMT

7 ways to improve your focus

Are you easily distracted? Do you find mobile notifications, new emails, shopping websites irresistible? There are plenty of distractions in the modern world, and if you’re working from home, they’re everywhere; “I’ll just put some laundry in the wash” or “I’ll just make myself another cup of tea.” I’m writing this whilst surrounded by builders’ noise as three neighbours are converting their loft, building a kitchen extension, and rendering their walls. It’s not just drills and nail guns but shouted banter and music radio on full blast. So how do I stay focussed? Here’s what’s helped me over the years:

1. Build good habits – create an environment that helps you focus. Whether you have a study or an office, or just the corner of the kitchen table, have a way of signalling to others that you’re working – whether it is closing the door, flipping up the laptop screen or putting on noise cancelling headphones. Use a website blocker app if you find yourself drawn to video or shopping sites.

2. Write a short ‘To Do’ list – a long list can feel overwhelming and makes me want to give up before I’ve even started. If you limit the number of things you need to do, you’ll work with greater intention and there’s less chance you’ll get distracted. Three objectives is a good number, you could even write them on a post it note and stick them up so you see them every time you look up. Bring your full attention to one task at a time, try not to multi-task, that way you can stay more focussed.

3. Parkinson’s law says, “work expands to fill the time we have available.” So, give yourself an artificial deadline, shortening your timeframe, helping you avoid distractions and increase your productivity. If you tell someone else your deadline, you’re more likely to stick to it.

4. Be mindful of your thoughts – notice what distracts you. When you are distracted again, take a deep breath, and choose not to go there. Just by noticing what distracts us, we can help our focus. Maybe you need that five minute tea break, but not if it means you’ll end up cleaning the kitchen instead of finishing the task you’ve set yourself.

5. Train your brain – your mind is like a muscle; you can build up your focus by working on your concentration. Many people find the Pomodoro Method helpful – set a timer and completely focus for a period of time, say 45 minutes. Then take a 15 minute break. If 45 minutes feels too long, start with 25 minutes and a 5 minute break. Turn it into a game, challenge yourself to stay focussed until the timer rings, then have fun in your break. You’ll be amazed how much you can get done.

6. Take on more challenging work. If you are constantly distracted, maybe your work isn’t engaging enough. If I’m writing blog posts, I find myself completely absorbed, but if I’m composing social media posts, I find my attention wandering, I just don’t find it as interesting. If there is no way of avoiding this work (I could pay someone else to do it, but I chose not to), then limit the time you spend on less challenging tasks so that you can stay focussed on the time you have.

7. Are you stressed? When we’re stressed, we’re easily distracted, our mind constantly drifts, our thinking is muddled, our short term memory isn’t as good as usual. If this is the reason you’re distracted, calm your mind, and relax your body. Whether it is more sleep, exercise, breathing exercises or connecting with nature, find what works for you. Look after yourself first and better focus and concentration will follow.

How to mindfully master fear

183:753452603 (Dominique De-Light) — Mon, 22 Mar 2021 11:05:12 GMT

5 ways to overcome fear

Whether you feel fear over doing something new, or confronting a family member over a difficult topic, or because you are sharing a new project with the world, fear has a way of creeping up on us and unsettling our state of mind. It’s natural for fear to arise and we all have the power to overcome it, the key is to move past it otherwise we can find ourselves stressed or frozen.

Fear can help us grow, learn new skills and habits, and increase our trust in ourselves. Think how great it is once you’ve completed the thing you were fearful of. Taking ourselves out of our comfort zone is how we develop as individuals. It’s on the edges that interesting things happen. So, when we’re feeling fearful what helps?

1. Acknowledge the fear. Don’t deny what you feel. Write your fears down, face them, this will help you move forward and past them.

2. Can you see things differently? Once you have acknowledged your fear, can you shift your focus and see a different or better way to approach the issue? Fear often makes us see the worst case scenario, but once acknowledged we can consider alternatives. What would we like to happen instead?

3. Focus on the next step. If your mind is flooding with harmful and anxious thoughts, sit, pause, close your eyes, and start connecting and counting your breaths. Breathe in for a count of 4, pause for 4, breathe out for 4 and hold for 4. This technique known as ‘square’ or ‘box’ breathing is a great way to show you do have control over your internal self, despite any craziness that maybe going on externally.

4. Celebrate little victories – just be. Life isn’t all about the big achievements. Focus on the present, the good things of the day, maybe it was a smile someone gave you, the fact that it was sunny today, that you completed some of the tasks on your ‘to do’ list. We have made it a little further on our journey and that should be celebrated. The little wins add up to the big achievements.

5. Build a practice. It takes practice to stay present and be kind to yourself. By practicing meditation, spending time in nature, doing a form of exercise that works for you, all will help reduce spiralling, negative thoughts. The more we stray into doing rather than being, the more exhausted we become, the more fear can take hold. By building a practice of controlling our internal mind, being present and connecting with nature, we can empower ourselves and help ourselves navigate the fears that present themselves. The more you can remain in the present the more you will be able to navigate the challenges life throws your way and fear will be another challenge that you can overcome.

What to do when you’re feeling overwhelmed.

183:753452603 (Dominique De-Light) — Tue, 23 Feb 2021 08:41:34 GMT

How to create time for yourself in a busy schedule.

Life can be tough sometimes. Especially in the middle of a global pandemic. We’re all experiencing so many different types of loss. Whether it’s the loss of a loved one, the loss of our old life, or the loss of our personal space as we’re locked down with those with live with. With so much change and uncertainty – will things ever get back to ‘normal’? And if not the old normal we used to know, when we be able to plan again, commit to a holiday or an engagement without the fear we’ll have to change it at the last minute? With uncertainty, ever changing plans, extra responsibilities of home schooling, or additional queuing, or blurred boundaries of home working, it can be easy to feel overwhelmed. To feel like you’ll never manage it all and it’s all just too much.

So how can you claw back your sanity and/or some space for yourself? I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately since combining work and home schooling. So, if you’re feeling overwhelmed, whatever the causes, here’s a few tips to reduce the pressure.

1. Use the Eisenhower matrix to work out what really needs to be done. So often we have a huge to do list but not everything has to be done straight away.

2. Make sure every day has time for you – whether it is your 6am creativity slot or an after lunch walk round the block – it doesn’t matter whether it is three hours or five minutes, just make sure you have some time doing what you want to do – not what your boss, a client, your child, or your partner’s desires.

3. Look after yourself – that means eat well, sleep well, and put in place screen boundaries – give yourself screen free time before bed – you really will sleep better and if you sleep better, everything becomes easier.

4. Be kind to yourself – “Don’t borrow trouble” – if we focus on what is in front of us, go step by step, everything feels more manageable. As the famous Chinese philosopher, Lao Tzu once said, “the journey of a thousand miles begins with one step.”

5. Focus on the present – we become overwhelmed worrying about the future or ruminating about the past. If we pay attention to the current moment – the aches and pains of our body, the smell of our environment, the feel of a chair, the weather outside, the plants and nature that surrounds us, we become more physically grounded and escape our swirling, whirling thoughts.

6. What can you let go of? If life is tough for you right now, lower your expectations. Does your child really have to do all the homeschooling set by the school? Do you really have to do all the work you have today? Can you have a takeaway or a ready meal instead of cooking dinner? What could free up a bit of time for you?

7. And if all becomes too much then focus on your breathing. Really feel that breath coming in and out of your nose. Feel the rise and fall of your belly. Close your eyes and take deep belly breaths. Just three is all you need to help calm your nervous system.

I hope these suggestions work for you. And do share any time saving tricks!

How to look after yourself when working from home

183:753452603 (Dominique De-Light) — Tue, 26 Jan 2021 10:47:37 GMT

Tips for better Home Working

We’re all working from home a lot more. This has its advantages, whether its cosy clothes, a non-existent commute or doing the laundry at lunchtime. But it also has its disadvantages, it can be harder to switch off from work stress, it’s easy to be distracted and we can feel more isolated. A recent report has show that 78% of employees in 2020 were negatively impacted by their mental health, and many of the reasons were linked to the shift in working from home.

So how can you look after yourself when working remotely?

1. Try to contain your workspace . If you have to work at the kitchen table, try to ensure your papers don’t spread into the lounge - have one place where you work and keep everything together. This way you won’t feel that work is taking over your home.

2. Set clear boundaries – stick to your logging off time and switch off your computer. Establish an ‘end of day’ routine, whether it is a walk round the block, or a walk to the kitchen for a cup of tea.

3. Connect with colleagues. When you are at work, don’t let out of sight be out of mind. Check in, find ways to report on your work - it’s not always obvious to others what you might be doing. Let them know how hard you’re working, for when you feel valued, you have better mental health.

4. Create different activities for your free time. It can be easy to slide from working on your computer to watching a film on a laptop, exchanging your activity but still staring at a screen. Try to mix it up with exercise, reaching for a book, listening to music, or chatting with a housemate. Fill your free time with fulfilling activities that are different to your work life.

5. Encourage positivity. There’s always bad news you can focus on and it’s ok to feel down but try to notice the positive. Practice mindful observation, noticing nature or small things that you love, this will help improve your mood.

6. Make the most of homeworking. Focus on what you love about remote working, whether it is lunch with your family, an extra twenty minutes lie in, or doing housework at lunchtime, giving your more free time at the weekend. Observing what we are grateful for has been shown to have a positive impact on our mental health.

Work can be stressful, so if you’re aware that working from home is impacting on both your work and personal life, do something about it. Whether it is talking to a colleague, a friend, a partner, or a coach, reach out and connect with others. As the old adage says, a problem shared is a problem halved.

Celebrating your achievements

183:753452603 (Dominique De-Light) — Tue, 12 Jan 2021 06:56:27 GMT

The importance of reviewing and celebrating.

How often do you really celebrate what you’ve achieved? So often we work so hard towards achieving a goal, completing a project, raising our children or getting our house just the way we like it, but then we move on to the next thing we need to do, without really appreciating what we’ve achieved. In doing this, we take ourselves for granted, often worrying about the next task ahead, rather than being grateful and taking pleasure in what we’ve just done.

By reviewing our achievements and celebrating our successes we absorb how we’ve grown and recognise and consolidate the changes in our lives. It also helps to ground us and consider what’s important before setting new goals.

Here’s some questions that can help you review the last year, answer from the heart, not what you think ‘looks good’ to others. Take a tea break and spend 15-40 minutes on the following exercise.

What are YOU proud of?

1. What are your 5 proudest achievements in the last 12 months?

2. What were 5 challenges you overcame in the last year?

3. What 5 things did you learn this year? (skills, techniques, useful facts, lessons learned etc)

4. What 5 things did you learn about yourself? (strengths, weaknesses, positive or limiting beliefs, hopes & fears)

5. What did you create or bring into the world this year?

6. How did you make a difference in the world this year? (big or small)

7. Where did you have the most fun?

8. If you were to write a newspaper headline that summarised your year what would it say?

Review your answers; what themes and patterns do you notice, what stands out most? What are you most proud of? Take a deep breath and really feel and celebrate all that you already are and are becoming. Recognise your achievement, how you learnt and grew.

What can you do that would anchor the feeling of gratitude and pride in yourself and all that you have achieved? Maybe it’s a short sentence you could say to yourself every day, maybe it’s a small beautiful thing you buy yourself – a broach, a postcard, a magnet, that reminds you to celebrate and recognise your achievements. Commit to rewarding yourself and if physical, place it somewhere you can see it every day. Don’t forget! It’s important and symbolic and will help you recognise all your efforts, motivating you in future.

Overcoming Imposter Syndrome

183:753452603 (Dominique De-Light) — Tue, 15 Dec 2020 09:41:39 GMT

How to overcome fears that you're not good enough

Do you sometimes wonder how you got where you are? Feel like you’re in the wrong place and someone, sooner or later, is going to point it out? Do you doubt your skills, talents or accomplishments and have the continual internalized fear of being exposed as a "fraud”? This is impostor syndrome, a distorted system of self-belief that can have a powerful negative impact on your self-worth. Don’t worry, you’re not the only one – it’s common, especially in women and people of colour. Here’s Maya Angelou’s take on it " I have written 11 books, but each time I think, 'Uh oh, they're going to find out now. I've run a game on everybody, and they're going to find me out .'

So how can you help yourself if you feel this way? Studies have shown that talking to others can be of great benefit – you’ll realise it’s is more common that you think. It also helps if you feel you are being your authentic self in whatever you’re doing, if you’re trying to be someone you don’t really feel that you are, it can lead to increased anxiety and illness.

Reframing how you talk to yourself can also help. For instance, repeating “I can do this”, or, even better, using your name – talking to yourself in third person has been shown to have a greater impact - for example “Dominique, you can do this,” can help motivate and boost your self-esteem.

Those with imposter syndrome often tend to be procrastinators or perfectionists. If a procrastinator who leaves things to the last minute, any success they may have is often put down to ‘luck’. Whilst perfectionists put in long hours and put their success down to ‘hard work’. Both ignore the skills and talents they have. So next time you feel you need to prove yourself or do yet more work, remind yourself you do not need to seek validation for your life from the outside world. If it is good enough for you, it is good enough. When compelled to do more, just ask yourself: what do I really need now?

If you’re unsure what is your authentic self, try the following exercise. Write about a time you felt most in flow – when you were totally absorbed – this shows us what we are really interested in. Look at what traits are active and put them into practice. What makes you feel alive? If it is rock climbing for instance, is there a way that you can put the planning, adrenalin, and physical skills of climbing into your work? If it is writing stories, can you use your imagination, creativity and writing skills in a job?

Pay attention to your body. What makes you feel comfortable? Try to become more aware of when you don’t feel at ease, when you feel you are going into imposter syndrome. This will give you clues as to what you need to work on. Self-awareness of our likes and dislikes is the first step to being our authentic selves. Acceptance of who we are, without shame or guilt, is another. Being accountable to ourselves is a third.

If you’re unsure of when you feel in flow, ask yourself the following question. If you could do anything right now, what would you be doing and with whom? Explore why that activity is calling you. There’s lots of resources out there to help with imposter syndrome. I like Dr Andrea Pennington’s free Life Writing programme. Coaching is also a great way to work on your confidence, self-esteem, and self-worth. So, if you fancy a chat, get in touch .

Illustration by Janelle Gerard

6 Tips to Reduce Stress

183:753452603 (Dominique De-Light) — Tue, 17 Nov 2020 09:47:20 GMT

Easy ways to help you calm down

There are times when we all give ourselves a hard time. Maybe work pressure has piled up, maybe relationships with family and friends aren’t going as smoothly as we’d like. Maybe you keep getting interrupted and you can’t finish an important task. New research shows that stress is necessary to help us manage our lives - see Kelly McGonigal’s great TED talk ‘How to Make Stress Your Friend’ where she outlines that if we see stress as a positive, and use it to reach out to others, we can use stress to help us.

But sometimes you just want to feel calm, the stress is getting in the way of your productivity or impacting on your relationships. What can you do in times like these?

1. Recognise that much stress can be self-inflicted. Often, we are our own worst enemies. A critical inner voice, an inner slave driver, constantly pushing ourselves to do more, to be perfect, that we are not good enough. These thoughts trigger hormones in our bodies that create the stress response. Take a step back and be mindful, challenge your assumptions, is it you creating the stress or external factors?

2.Use contemplation to open the mind. This means looking without judgement at the situation that is making you stressed. Both the negative and positive aspects. Life needs both the sides of the coin to continue, it is not either-or, it is both. By contemplating we can see the wisdom of diversity, see the other person’s point of view.

3. Meditate. By using meditation to quiet the mind and focus on the present we can calm our ‘monkey mind’. Stress is often caused by worrying about the future or regretting events in the past. What would happen if we focussed on what could go right rather than worrying about what could go wrong? If our minds are in the present, we are far more likely to create a productive outcome. Use meditation, or just a few deep breaths, to be in the focussed present.

4. Forgiveness. Carrying resentment, anger, and condemnation, to others or to ourselves, we trap ourselves in guilt, shame, and grief. By forgiving we let go, we may not forget, but we can learn the lessons and move on.

5. Eat well and get rest. Our bodies need taking care of if they are to take care of us. Unhealthy food, lack of exercise and sleep will lead to a weak immune system, poor health, and poor moods. Choose unprocessed, whole grain foods, find an exercise you enjoy that releases tension and make sure you give yourself the best opportunity to sleep – a dark room with no late-night screen time. When your body feels good your mind will feel less troubled.

6. Flow. I’ve talked about flow before and how great it is for creativity and productivity but it’s also good for the mind, body, and soul. It is when you are absorbed in what you are doing, whether that is writing, creativity, music, exercise, or work. Find what gets you in flow and make time for it. To find out how to get into the flow state read my blog post, Getting into the Flow .

I hope these tips help you and your stress levels. Do let me know if they work!

How to cultivate resilience

183:753452603 (Dominique De-Light) — Tue, 20 Oct 2020 08:57:00 GMT

How to bounce forward when life knocks you back.

Resilience has become a bit of a buzz word. We want to encourage it in our children, we hear management consultants talk of ‘resilient organisations’, you might have even heard someone say, “You need to be more resilient,” when you’ve been thrown by one of life’s many knock backs. Resilience is a trait that is good to be encouraged, but some hear it as a criticism, that they ‘aren’t strong enough’, that ‘they need to pull their socks up’. But this is not the right way to interpret it.

Over at Brighton University’s Centre of Resilience for Social Justice they’ve developed a Resilience Framework , which through their social enterprise, BoingBoing , they use to foster resilience in marginalised communities. This framework outlines the things we need in our life to encourage resilience – the ability to bounce forward when we get knocked back. As well having our basic needs met (such as food, shelter, sleep, exercise, for example) we need to have a sense of belonging, make the most of learning, have the ability to cope and look after your core self (such as taking responsibility for yourself, self-awareness and having a sense of hope). Look at the graphic at the bottom of this page for more detail - you can start anywhere on the diagram, there’s no need to go in any particular order. For more information see: https://www.boingboing.org.uk/resilience/resilient-therapy-resilience-framework/

The more resilient we are, the better we can cope. In the VUCA world we live in (i.e Volatile, Uncertain, Complex and Ambiguous – a term thought up by the US Military and now in leadership manuals everywhere), our resilience is more important than ever. It enables us to duck and dive, swerve and curve, be creative, innovative, and keep going in the face of ever-changing circumstances.

With so many things contributing to resilience where do you begin?

That depends on you. Maybe an extra hour’s sleep is what you need. Or tweaking your diet to increase your fruit and vegetable intake. Maybe you need to book in sessions with friends or carve out time to be creative, developing your talents. Perhaps you need to reframe your thinking, finding the positives in your life, ‘focusing on your strengths’ or perhaps you feel the need to organise yourself, make a plan for the future to instil a sense of hope. Coaching is great for reframing, planning, increasing your self-awareness - all great resilience building tools. So, what could you do to increase your resilience? It doesn’t have to be much. Any little action is a step in the right direction.

Getting back into work after a long break

183:753452603 (Dominique De-Light) — Tue, 22 Sep 2020 08:44:00 GMT

How to ease into a new routine

Whether it is a well-deserved holiday, a bout of illness or months of furlough, getting back to work after a long break can be tough. The longer our time off, the more normal it is to feel upset about returning. There may be the dread of tasks to do, the early starts, the more rigid routine. Or perhaps you’re looking forward to getting stuck in but wonder how you’re going to answer those hundreds of emails or manage a task list that has been growing exponentially whilst you’ve been away. Changing the rhythm and routine of our life can be daunting and it can be easy to feel overwhelmed. So, what’s the best way to ease into a new routine?

1. Plan and prepare – writing a list, planning out what you can do when, can help you feel more in control rather than a jumble of tasks circling in your head. Think about your first day back, is there anything that will be different, anything new you need to prepare?

2. Talk to your colleagues or your manager – it doesn’t have to be about work, it’s just about connecting you back into your working world. Maybe step one has raised some questions you need to talk to your colleagues about.

3. Be realistic – don’t expect too much too soon. Take one step at a time. Things may have changed; things are always changing. Expecting yourself to be up to full speed within an hour of getting back to work is unrealistic – give yourself more time to do things.

4. Be kind to yourself – take a treat into the office, make sure you take proper breaks, book in something you will look forward to. That means no new diets on the day you get back or booking into boot camp in the first week. Give yourself a chance to adjust.

5. Look ahead to something you enjoy at work – whether it is the chats around the watercooler, a big event or the satisfaction of a job well done. This helps you stay positive and reminds you about how great work can be.

Hopefully, after a week or two you will be back into the normal swing of things. If the feeling of unease stays with you, or dread descends every Sunday night, then it might be time to think of a different job or career. Work dread is usually caused either by something missing from your work (such as motivation or sense of purpose) or too much negativity (work stress, poor relationships with colleagues). If either of these applies to your situation it’s a sure sign that things need change. Coaching sessions can be helpful in this situation. They are great for exploring your motivation, a change in direction, different career options, whether it is a better work/life balance you are seeking and/or trying to find your true purpose in life. If this is you, pick up the phone and give me a call or send me an email .

How to achieve long term goals

183:753452603 (Dominique De-Light) — Wed, 12 Aug 2020 11:36:22 GMT

An easy step by step way to success

I’ve just returned from holiday. The longest I’ve had in years. Sixteen whole days without looking at an email, answering a work call or thinking about the business. It’s rare I switch off. Usually, I’d be checking my emails numerous times a day, planning new workshops, thinking about blog posts, but I’ve worked hard for the last six months, combining running two business with home schooling and a global pandemic. What I love about holidays – apart from seeing new places, relaxing, reading loads of books and eating far more than I should – is that they’re a chance to step out of normal life and reflect. Not just on the everyday but on the long term. Where do I want to be in five years? What do I want to be doing in ten?

Holidays are great for getting a sense of perspective, thinking about how we can improve on what we have and what change needs to happen. But how many of us put those dreams to one side once we’ve unpacked the suitcase? Or make changes for a few weeks but by the time the tan’s faded we’re back to the usual slog and wistfully dismissing our dreams as wishful thinking? It’s so easy to get caught up in real life. Work, life admin, family demands, take up time and energy and it’s hard to fit in another task, especially when the outcome of it may take years to realise.

Research has shown that people that set goals are far more likely to achieve them than those that don’t. It’s unlikely that you will ‘drift into’ completing a book, exhibiting your work, completing a major project – these things require commitment, dedication, and passion. So, it’s helpful to reassess your goals every now and then and take a good long look at what you want for the future. New year, a summer holiday, are classic times for thinking about the future, and I also like to cast an eye over any plans in March and October to see how they’re going, this way I can adjust and make sure I’m staying on track. If you diarise reviewing your goals and plans two, three, four times a year, you’re so much more likely to do it.

If you have a particular goal in mind, this exercise can be helpful. Write your goal in capitals at the top of a piece of A4 paper. Then write below it the final step you need to do before you achieve that goal. Then write how you will get to that penultimate step. Then write the step before that step. Keep writing the steps to get to the present and then put in your timeframe. You now have a plan. Stick it somewhere you can see it every day. If you’re a visual person, add appropriate pictures to it. It’s a simple idea but highly effective. Just by writing the steps out and considering a timeframe you’re thinking deeper and more realistically about how to achieve your goal. You’re starting to pin down your dreams before they float off. You might not get every step done when you plan to, it might take you five years not one, but having a goal and a plan to get there is a great motivator for keeping you going.

One of my current pieces of paper has ‘French creativity and wellbeing retreat centre’ written across the top. I’d love to realise it in the next five years, but more realistically it may take ten. Brexit and finances may make it impossible, but I have my task list with steps outlined which I’m working through. I practice my French every day. So, even if the retreat centre doesn’t come off, at least I’ll be able to order my dinner without embarrassment on my next French holiday. Who knows what you might achieve if you followed your dreams? Why not give it a try? And if you need help with clarifying your goal, increasing your motivation, or working out an action plan, why not contact me and book in a coaching session?

How to Challenge Our Unconscious Bias

183:753452603 (Dominique De-Light) — Tue, 21 Jul 2020 09:24:07 GMT

Using mindfulness to tackle unconscious bias

As human beings we are quick to jump to assumptions and judgements about those we meet, it’s one way we interpret the world. If I say I love cats your thoughts might range from ‘oh I love cats too’, to ‘Is she a crazy cat lady?’ We all have unconscious bias. It’s unavoidable and not intentionally malicious, it’s just a way of processing the many bits of data we have to deal with. We tend to do it more when we’re distracted and not being present and thoughtful.

Being mindful means being present, paying attention and being clear of your intention. It’s being focussed, being aware of what you are thinking, of how our thoughts are impacting on those around us as well as how we are experiencing the world. Intention is the purpose behind what we are doing and how we feel when we are doing it.

We can use mindfulness to ensure that we are in the present moment and to check in with our attention and intention. To ensure we are responding rather than reacting. We can also use it to check for bias. We can do this by using the TALE method (as outlined by Dr Bruce Schneider, master coach and author of Energy Leadership ).

TALE stands for:

T riggers

A ssumptions

L imiting Beliefs

E xpectations

Triggers result in an emotional response that is out of proportion to the event that has triggered it -triggers connect with something inside us that often has little to do with the person that triggered us – they are connected to a past, and deeper, hurt.

Assumptions are based on experience. Focusing on the person in the present, putting our assumptions aside, really listening, hearing, and seeing the person in front of us enables us to connect and see something that we might have missed.

We all hold limiting beliefs about ourselves and others – often because of things people have said to us, where we’ve grown up, other’s expectations, the systems/beliefs we live our lives by. If we notice our limiting beliefs, we can question them – ask ‘How true is this for me? Why do I believe it is true?’ Challenging our beliefs can enable us to return our attention and intention to the present moment with an openness, and hopefully, with the bias filter removed.

Expectations can lead to triggers. If we notice that someone has not fulfilled our expectations, we can be disappointed or angry. If we take notice of our expectations, we can question whether just because someone is not doing something the way we would do it, doesn’t mean they can’t do it well.

It's impossible to eliminate bias completely but by being mindful and using the TALE method we can help make our unconscious bias, conscious. By becoming aware of it we can then challenge it and make a different choice.

How to feel powerful when you feel powerless

183:753452603 (Dominique De-Light) — Tue, 23 Jun 2020 10:25:43 GMT

What can you do to change the world?

I am writing this blog in the twelfth week of lockdown in the UK. America has been rocked by protests of the horrific murder of George Floyd. Thousands of people are demonstrating against systematic and institutional racism across the world. We have seen what happens when the world slows down and that unthinkable things can change if the desire is there.

A global pandemic, state sponsored violence, poverty at home or abroad are some of many things that can make us feel powerless. What can we do as individuals when we do not have the political power, the finances, the important contacts that we perceive we need to create change? We may be struggling with the daily practicalities of our own life, our health, our work, our relationships, that any larger issues may feel overwhelming.

Yet we are all connected. What I say and do ripples out to others which in turn impacts on their interactions with a wider group. If I am kind to a shop worker, or compliment a stranger, it may make their day, which in turn may make them kinder and more thoughtful to others. If I recommend a novel I will suggest V.S. Naipaul, Earl Lovelace, Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie, Andrea Levy, Anita Desai, Jung Chang or one of many other writers of colour who have written fabulous books that provide me, a white woman, with an insight into a different racial perspective. When I choose photos for my website I select diverse images not standard white representation. In my work I encourage accessibility and inclusivity. I hope my actions challenge the dominant Caucasian norm, acknowledge that all people need to be seen and heard or they and their problems will be ignored by those who find it convenient to do so.

We can all make a difference, whether it is being kind to those you meet, being aware of another’s perspective, listening, really listening to their concerns. By listening we understand where another is coming from. It is time to listen to those that have been ignored for too long. Once people are heard, things can change. Solutions found. Alternatives discussed.

Being compassionate to ourselves and others, whether by the work we do, volunteering, helping out a neighbour, is not only a good thing to do it also helps ourselves, reducing stress levels, lowering blood pressure and gives us a greater sense of health and belonging.

If you want to feel more powerful when you feel powerless, listen to others, read different perspectives, consider alternatives to what has always been done. And first and foremost, be kind – to yourself and to others – in being kind we can have immediate impact on our surroundings and those we share it with. We all have the power to change the way we interact with the world; how will you use your power to create a world you want?

As a great man said, “ Be the change you wish to see in the world .” Mahatma Gandhi

Beauty is in the details

183:753452603 (Dominique De-Light) — Tue, 19 May 2020 11:16:55 GMT

How to be in the present.

I was walking in the park yesterday. It was late afternoon and the sun was glimmering through the trees, light filtering through the leaves. A mother and baby were sitting on a blanket when something caught the little girl’s eye. She squealed, crawled off the mat and picked a blade of grass, turning it slowly, a few centimetres from her face. She was mesmerised. I looked and looked again. It was only grass. But she was totally absorbed, checking out the texture, the colour, the smell of that single blade. I looked at the grass again, wondering what had caught her attention, and it was then I noticed how the sun made the grass sparkle and the slight breeze made it shimmer. It was indeed mesmerising. What I had ignored, tramping over the ground to get to my destination, a baby had observed, recognising the beauty of nature.

We are so often caught up with what we must do next, or what has happened in the past, it can be hard to focus on the present. Yet research has shown us that the more we present we are – being mindful – the more our stress levels decrease, the more our life satisfaction increases and the more productive and creative we become. As a famous saying goes, “The past is history, the future is a mystery, but right now is a gift that is why they call it the present”. But it can be hard to be in the present with so many distractions, things to do and memories crowding our minds.

So how can you be more present? The easiest way is through our bodies. Our minds love to ramble and ruminate but our bodies are in the here and now. This is why so many meditations and mindfulness exercises get us to focus on our feet, our legs, our arms etc – to really feel our muscles, our tension, our bodies. Connecting with your senses is another great way. When we think about the sights, the textures, the sounds, the smells, the tastes, of what we’re experiencing, we have to be in the present, and it helps us fully experience what we are doing. Just like the little girl in the park who was looking, feeling, smelling the grass. This is how we first experience the world and to go back to this way of being, helps us reconnect with our inner selves and our environment.

Nature is a great way to bring us into the present. Whether it is a leaf or a tree, or some glimmering grass, to stop and really look at it, really experience it, helps us recognise the beauty in the details, the wonders of our world and can help reduce stress levels. Even if you can’t go for a walk right now, maybe you have something wooden in your environment – a chair, a table, a desk - or a plant that you can connect with to turn your mind from worry and stress. Decide on your item and look at it closely – I mean really look at it, like you have never seen it before. Examine every colour, every line, every spot. Stroke it, close your eyes, and really feel it. Is it rough, smooth, ridged? Smell it – does the smell please you, is it sweet or sour? Listen to it – does it make a noise? If it is a chair or a table, what sound does it make when you rub it? If it is a leaf, does it crackle when you bend or squeeze it? Once you have examined your item, look at it again. Does it look different to you now? Do you think it is more beautiful or uglier? Have you found beauty in the details? Has your mind had a few minutes rest? I really hope so.

This is a great exercise when on the move. Really notice your environment, take in the sky, bird song, the colour of the leaves. I find it always lifts my day. I hope it lifts yours too.

Take the pressure off

183:753452603 (Dominique De-Light) — Tue, 12 May 2020 11:32:02 GMT

Why reducing your expectations will help your mental health

I’m writing this during the Covid 19 lockdown. You may be reading it whilst under lockdown too or you may be reading this months, years later, when Covid 19 is a distant nightmare. (There maybe other nightmares to be dealing with then/now). Lockdown has provoked all sorts of responses in people; anxiety, fear, the need to make bread and bake cakes. The latter is an understandable response to uncertainty; let’s occupy ourselves with something familiar and comforting. There’s also been a lot of talk of ‘now is the time to take up that hobby you’ve always wanted to try’ and ‘making the most of all the spare time you have’. I look at these articles and despair. I don’t have more time now we’re in lockdown – I’m too busy trying to keep my coaching and small not-for-profit organisation afloat. I’m trying to home educate my child, trying not to feel guilty that I’m ignoring her by working, or not working enough because I’m with her. I’m trying to support my partner who has lost ninety five percent of his work and doesn’t know when he’ll earn a proper wage again and I’m spending twice as much time as normal waiting in long queues to buy eggs, bread and milk.

Even if I didn’t have all these things to do, I don’t have the mental headspace to take on anything new. It’s hard enough trying to do the things I used to do, like my early morning writing or regular meditation. I know these things keep me sane but with the world falling apart outside my door I find it hard to focus. As the weeks of lockdown continue, I remind myself that all that matters is my health and looking after those I love and being part of a community that is helping each other. It’s not a time for taking up new hobbies, feeling a failure because you haven’t used the time to reorganise your house or spring clean your cupboards (though if you have done these things, good for you). It’s not a time to be self-critical. We are all grieving for a loss of life as we know it. We are all experiencing collective trauma, watching the statistics of the dead pile up daily. What we need now is not distractions, not judgements, but compassion and self-care. We need to reach out to each other and offer our support. Hug those we love if we can, speak to them regularly if we cannot. Remember to eat, sleep and take daily exercise; that is enough. If we can do more, then great. But don’t pressurise yourself. Don’t criticise yourself for not taking up a new hobby or using this ‘extra time’ to do new things. Focus on food, family, friends and fitness. What is important now is your support network, whether that is friends, family or neighbours. Abandon the desire to perform and embrace being authentic. Have faith that your incredible creative brain will adapt to these new circumstances and you will find a way through. The world has changed, and we have changed with it. In time we will accept and hope and realise we have become more resilient. We will help each other and give thanks for that help.

How to have a daily holiday

183:753452603 (Dominique De-Light) — Tue, 24 Mar 2020 10:43:11 GMT

How meditation has the same effects as a vacation

Would you like to go on holiday? Escape the house, take a few weeks, maybe even a few months, out of everyday life? Perhaps somewhere exotic like trekking in the Himalayas, or a beach holiday in Bali? Or maybe you have more humble tastes such as a walking holiday a few hours away from where you live?

I’m a classic armchair traveller, soaking up every travel show, imagining my next trip, flicking through Air BnB and admiring all the lovely places to stay, even though I usually only take one holiday a year. But what if someone told you, you could take a holiday every day? A mini-mini break. A chance to relax, feel that serenity of lying on a beach or breathing in mountain air. That sense that you’ve got away from it all.

Recent research has shown that just fifteen minutes of meditation can give you the same feeling of a day’s vacation. Imagine that! No airports, no train stations, no expenses. Just fifteen minutes meditation anywhere you choose. I love this research because when I teach meditation to children, I often take them on a guided visualisation – we climb mountains, swim in rivers, explore the rainforest – we go on an imaginary journey whilst deepening our breathing and focusing our minds. I always knew that meditation was as good as a holiday but now the research says so too.

The study followed forty university students who meditated for fifteen minutes a day for two non-consecutive two-week phases. The participants completed a daily survey that assessed their well-being, emotions and mindfulness for the eight-week study period. On days the participants meditated, they reported lower levels of negative emotions, such as anger, and scored higher on positive emotions such as gratefulness. They became more mindful, noticing birds singing, being aware of their feelings rather that being carried away by them. Researchers found similar associations on the days that participants were away on holiday, when they were relaxed. This research was carried out on people who were new to meditation; the impact on wellbeing and resilience is known to be even greater in those who practice long term meditation.

The results are similar to a previous study which found mindfulness exercises are better than holidays for reducing stress and lifting mood. So, if you’re worried you might not be able to have a holiday due to Covid 19 restrictions, or maybe you’re wondering if you can afford one, look at practicing meditation – the effects on wellbeing can be just as good. Results include improved stress regulation, immune function and amyloid beta (Aβ) metabolism. (Aβ is a large membrane protein that normally plays an essential role in neural growth and repair. When corrupted it can destroy nerve cells, leading to the loss of thought and memory as in Alzheimer's disease). If you don’t know where to start, take a look at my resources page where there are links to a body scan and sleep meditations plus the fantastic Insight Timer app – a free resource with 1000’s of meditations. Forget packing your suitcase, find a comfortable chair or cushion and take a holiday with your mind.

How breathing can help regulate your emotions

Wed, 26 Feb 2020 14:44:29 GMT

The power of paced breathing

If someone told you that a way to calm your emotions is something you do every minute of every day, would you think they were mad? What if you were told breathing and the way that you breathe, can have positive effects on your emotion, attention and body awareness? Would you think, ‘I breathe all the time, but I still get stressed/angry/anxious (insert your own negative feeling here)’?

However, a study published in the Journal of Neurophysiology , found that paced breathing – slow, attention focused breathing like that you do in a yoga, meditation or a prenatal class – not only focuses attention and regulates the nervous system but that this type of breathing uses neural networks beyond the brain stem that are tied to emotion, attention and body awareness. By tapping into these networks using the breath, we gain access to a powerful tool for regulating our response to stress.

In the study, six adults were monitored whilst breathing normally and breathing fast. They had to complete an attention task whilst their brain activity was monitored. It was found that different types of breathing affect brain regions including the cortex and mid-brain more widely than previously thought. There was increased activity in, among others, the amygdala, when participants breathed rapidly. The amygdala is responsible for the perception of emotions such as anger, fear, and sadness, as well as the controlling of aggression. Other studies have shown we tend to be more attuned to fear when we’re breathing quickly. Conversely, it may be possible to reduce fear and anxiety by slowing down our breath.

The study showed a strong connection between paced breathing and the insula – which regulates the autonomic nervous system and body awareness; suggesting that paying attention to the breath may increase awareness of one’s bodily states. The study supports a link between types of breathing (rapid, intentional, and attentional) and activation in brain structures involved in thinking, feeling and behaviour. This raises the possibility that breathing strategies may be used as a tool to help people manage their thoughts, moods, and experiences.

So, if you’re feeling anxious or stressed and don’t have time to go to a yoga class or do something else you find relaxing, why not try slowing down your breath? Breathing deeper? Paced breathing involves consciously inhaling and exhaling according to a set rhythm. For example, you might inhale for 4 counts, exhale for 6, and repeat. It’s simple, easy to remember and you can do it in a crowded tube train or in a meeting; by slowing down, paying attention and deeper breathing you too can help regulate your emotions.

What do you wish to do differently this year?

Mon, 27 Jan 2020 13:24:03 GMT

How to ensure lasting change.

At the end of January, the new year already feels long gone. There’s been weeks of cold, damp weather, dark mornings and perhaps a tightening of belts, both physically and metaphorically, as we rein in after the excess of Christmas. Perhaps you are counting the hours to your first alcoholic drink or meaty meal after a dry January or Veganary.

But before you say good riddance to the first month of the year, take a moment to reflect. In those first few days of 2020, maybe you had thoughts about what you would like to do differently this year? You might have made resolutions, all of which were quickly forgotten. Or maybe you resolved not to make resolutions that you felt you would inevitably fail. Or maybe you had plans to spend more time with your friends, your family, seek new work and you are putting those plans into action. Whatever you chose to do, whatever time of year you are reading this, reflecting on the past and making plans for the future is the best way to make changes to your life. Research has shown that those who set goals are more likely to achieve them. Those that plan a way to meet those goals are even more set to succeed.

The temptation is to set too many goals; lose weight, change job, see more of family and write that book you’ve always dreamed of. It’s hardly surprising when one by one each goal falls to the wayside. Life has enough complications without adding five new habits to the list. So, write a list of what you’d like to see change and then consider the impact of each and how realistic they are. Then chose the top one or two that will have the most impact. They might not be the easiest to achieve but a challenge will help you grow, too easy and the change will be minimal.

The key here is self compassion. You are more likely to achieve your goal if you are kind to yourself. If you’re trying to lose weight, don’t go straight into a low calorie controlled diet that within days you find yourself craving for treats because ‘you deserve it’. Reduce your intake slowly, maybe cutting out one treat a day, or introduce a little more physical activity, and with each week up your exercise and cut down the unhealthy food. If you have a bad day and overeat, don’t judge yourself, be kind and say, “Never mind, I can always start again tomorrow.” You are far more likely to succeed by making small changes linked to small expectations than the pressure of a huge change and mountains of judgement.

Our world encourages striving for big goals, achievement and success to the expense of many feeling like failures, being highly self critical and the sense that happiness is linked to your bank balance. Taking time out to reflect on what was important to you in the last twelve months and what you want to prioritise in the next twelve can really highlight what makes you happy and how you can build on this. Our minds can go in circles worrying about earning enough, progressing enough, achieving enough, and the consequence can be that our heart’s desires get drowned out by the clamour of practicalities.

Recently, my attention was brought to the Year Compass . This fantastic free booklet provides a structured way to reflect on your previous year and think about what you want for the next one. It’s a great way of identifying what your life priorities are for the coming months ahead and what is really important to you. It takes anywhere between an hour and three hours depending on how much detail you want to go into. I highly recommend it if you want to think through what you want to change for the year ahead and also as a way to acknowledge what has worked or not worked in the last twelve months. So, check it, print it out and fill it in. You’ll be doing yourself a favour and highlighting where you need to focus your energy. If you want things to be different this year, it’s a great place to start.

Doing less gives you more

183:753452603 (Dominique De-Light) — Wed, 27 Nov 2019 11:26:13 GMT

How slowing down can help you achieve more.

It might seem counter intuitive that by slowing down you’ll get more done but not only will you be more productive, you will get more from life and have better health and wellbeing. And don’t we all want to be happy, healthy and fulfilled? In our lives of digital technology, 24 hour news cycles and relentless email, phone and social media notifications, expectations can make us feel as if we need to be constantly working, constantly available to others and constantly doing something. The English work ethic reinforces modern reminders; no long lunches or siestas for us.

A few years ago when I had the typically busy life of a Charity Director, running an expanding organisation, fundraising to keep us afloat, juggling work with family and young children, a friend suggested perhaps it might be a good idea to slow down. I wiped spattered baby food off my top, saw a mobile notification that I had received another twenty emails since we’d sat down for coffee, and slugged back my drink, cutting our meeting short as “I was just too busy”. When she repeated, “You need to slow down Dominique,” I laughed, one of those laughs which sound like you’re being strangled and said, “But then how would I get everything done?”

I was in the midst of a whirlwind, much of it my own making. And when you’re in the centre of the storm you can’t see a way out. All that matters is survival; making it through to the next day. And that’s what I did. Each day I would think only of that day and how to get through it, if I thought any further ahead I felt overwhelmed, my chest tightened, I would be unable to sleep. I lived like this for years. Needless to say it wasn’t good for my physical or mental health, my relationships or my loved ones. I was constantly stressed, exhausted and snappy.

Finally, I left my job and decided to do things differently. I would be just as passionate and committed to my work but I would not let it rule my life. I put up boundaries, setting my email to only receive emails during my working hours. I used email auto-response so people knew when I would get back to them, taking the pressure of me to immediately respond. I carved out times in my diary for social media engagement, ensuring I wasn’t responding to every post or comment immediately. I turned off the notifications on my phone for everything except emails. I turned my phone onto silent – enabling me to choose when I look at it, enabling me to choose when to have a phone call, when to answer a text, so I am not constantly interrupted by others’ needs. I am lucky, if I don’t answer my phone, no one will die. Other professions may need to be urgently available, but in the two years of turning my phone to silent I have very few phone calls or texts that have really needed an urgent response.

I have created new habits; a three minute breathing exercise three times a day, a half an hour meditation after lunch, rejuvenating myself and offsetting the afternoon slump. I ensure I have at least half an hour of movement every day, whether it is a cycle ride to a meeting or teaching a yoga class. These habits have slowed me down, not mentally; I still have lots of ideas, lots of plans, but physically and psychologically. They have enabled me to insert space between tasks, created a sense of perspective so I don’t get too self-absorbed and stressed. They have resulted in a greater sense of calm and spaciousness in my life. And yet work flows. I am juggling two businesses, complex family commitments and writing a book. I am just as busy but I am far less stressed. In fact I would say I am relaxed, content and at ease. Could you say the same?

If the answer is yes, well done! You are taking care of yourself and you have the right balance in your life. If the answer is no, don’t beat yourself up. I’ve been there. Life is hard enough without feeling bad about it. Take a moment to consider what small step you could do to create a greater sense of ease in your life. Would any of the actions above (such as boundaries around email, phone, and social media) help you? Choose one thing and commit to doing it for a week and see if it helps. Just remember, doing less gives you more.

Challenging the Inner Critic

Tue, 22 Oct 2019 08:31:28 GMT

How to turn down the dial on your internal negative voice.

We all have an inner critic. Whether you want to call it the negative voice in your head, imposter syndrome, limiting beliefs or the demon on your shoulder, it’s one and the same and you can guarantee it’s holding you back. We are hard wired to remember the negative whilst the positive slips away - this internal wiring, part of limbic system of the brain, helps our survival and saved our ancestors from getting eaten by the sabre tooth tiger but it’s not helpful today if you only remember how your teacher said you’d never amount to much.

The good news is that scientific research has recently shown that our brain can rewire itself with a little help from ourselves. We can encourage a growth mind-set , developing our intelligence and learning new skills and attributes, they are not fixed as some once thought. So if there is something you don’t like about yourself you don’t have to live with it. You can change. As Dr Rick Hanson, a psychologist and best-selling author, says,

“ Neurons that fire together wire together. Mental states become neural traits. Day after day, your mind is building your brain. This is what scientists call experience-dependent neuroplasticity.”

That voice inside you that says, “You shouldn’t do that. Who do you think you are? What gives you the right to…? If only you were thinner, cleverer, prettier, more talented, more hardworking, etc.” can be incredibly debilitating. I attended a wonderful event on the Inner Critic recently where an established scientist who had spent her whole life creating a machine that saved lives and had the potential to save thousands more, found it almost impossible to ask for money because of her internal critic. Not only was she preventing her own ambitions from succeeding but her negative voices meant that lifesaving equipment will take longer to appear in our hospitals. This knowledge crippled her but she still found it excruciating to ask for funds she rightly deserved. Another speaker at the event, Ann Olivarius, a top sexual discrimination lawyer and responsible for getting revenge porn legislation on the statute books, spoke of how shame – another version of the inner critic – prevents so many people, predominantly women, from seeking justice.

If you think it is your fault, or that you ‘should’ have spoken up, or that ‘good girls wouldn’t have got into that situation’ your inner critic has continued your persecution when a kinder, more compassionate voice would say, ‘it is not your fault. No one has the right to abuse another human being. There are laws to protect people from being discriminated against and to protect people against verbal, physical and sexual abuse.’ An inner critic arose out of an evolutionary need to protect ourselves, but these days it can result in psychological harm, failure to seek justice and make it impossible to secure our just rewards.

So how do you turn down the dial on that negative voice? The first step is to notice it. Often we are so used to hearing it we think it is part of ourselves, but it doesn’t have to be. Once you catch yourself thinking a negative statement, for example, “I’m not very good at that.” Rephrase it. The little word ‘yet’ can work wonders, for example, “I’m not very good at that yet .” This gives room for possibility and growth. Or if it is a stronger statement, “I’m rubbish at public speaking,” think where that opinion has come from. Was it a teacher that criticised you, or a relative that mocked you? Usually these voices come from our youth. If we identify where they come from, whether it was true at the time or not, can you be compassionate to yourself and say, “Thanks for protecting me inner critic, but that was then and I can be different now.” ?

See if you can reframe your inner critic voices into positive statements. At first you may find it hard but over time if you keep repeating them you will rewire your brain with positive beliefs. Or you can try Byron Katie’s The Work method – simple and straightforward, you notice statements, write them down, question them and turn them around. For more information and videos of this in practice see her website.

It’s unlikely you’ll find a coaching website that doesn’t mention the inner critic, whether on their home page or in a blog post. That negative voice is a recurring issue that coaches work with all the time. It’s not going anywhere in a hurry so why don’t you see if you can become just a little bit more aware of it today. Awareness is the first step and once you identify that it is your inner critic, not you, that is holding you back, you can start to see the possibilities of how you can change.

Does anyone listen to you?

Fri, 20 Sep 2019 13:37:23 GMT

The importance of being truly listened to.

Does anyone listen to you? I mean really listen. Hear what you say, without judgement, without thinking how what you say refers to their own life? Doesn’t interrupt. Doesn’t wait for their chance to speak. Focusing on you, following your train of thought, rather than diverting it with questions relating to their own agenda. How often do you get this quality of listening?

My guess, unless you’re being coached, or even if you are being coached, is probably not as often as you would like. I truly believe if deep listening was taught in schools, the type of listening where the focus is on the speaker, where the listener empathises, and reflects rather than follows their own train of thought, that we would have a far more peaceful society, far fewer conflicts and a greater understanding of our fellow humans.

Listening, when done conscientiously is an incredibly powerful tool. It can unlock our subconscious, enable the speaker to find solutions where they thought none existed. It can calm us and stop the whirling thoughts of our mind. It can help us feel accepted, valued and validated. If we are not listened to we grow angry, frustrated and confused.

In coaching training we are taught there are five levels of listening, though the first two levels include no real listening at all.

Level one – Me now When the listener is planning what to say whilst the other person speaks, the listener is not really listening, they are just waiting for their chance to speak.

Speaker: “I’m thinking we should discuss this project idea in more detail.”
Listener: “I wondering what should be in the new marketing strategy.”

Level two – Just like me! A very common fall back for many conversations, the listener relates what they have heard to their own experience, so the listener’s reply is about them not about the person they’re listening to.

Speaker: “I’m really exhausted by all the long hours I’m doing on this project.”
Listener: “I know what you mean. I’m so tired from all my commitments.”

Level three – Giving advice – another common fall back. Listening and then giving unsolicited advice. This is still all about the listener not the speaker and can cause irritation.

Speaker: “I’m not sure about this project.”
Listener: “Have you thought about using a spreadsheet to plan it out?

Level four – Encouraging – listening to what the speaker is saying and encouraging them to say more. This can expand the speaker’s thinking, as we often work things out when we talk.

Speaker: “I’m finding this project a real challenge.”
Listener: “Would you like to say more about that?”

Level five – Active listening – engaging with the silence. Listening to what is not said as well as what is. Listening between the words and behind the words, listening to the silence and using your intuition.

Speaker: “I never have enough time to work on my project, it’s not getting
anywhere.”
Listener: “So finding time is hard. Is anything else getting in your way?”
Speaker: “I keep putting time aside to do it but other things happen and I never prioritise it.”
Listener: “What’s happening for you there?”
Speaker: “I’m worried the project won’t be good enough so I keep putting it off.”

Level one is rarely helpful in conversation. Level two and three might be useful if wanting to connect with someone or someone has asked for advice. Level four and five are used by those in talking therapies to enable the speaker to be really listened to, to be heard, validated and to enable them to resolve their issues. It is these last two levels of listening that I use in coaching, to enable a client to work through their confusion, to identify their goals, to plan how they are going to change their future.

We all need to be truly listened to. Constant interruptions of other people, children, phone notifications, the many demands life throws at us, can lead to a distracted and confused mind. It doesn’t have to be complicated. You don’t have to pay for coaching or counselling to be listened to deeply. Just ask a friend to listen for ten minutes without interruption. Ask them not to relate their own experience or give advice when you have finished but just listen to what you have to say. It might feel strange at first but being listened to like this can be an incredibly powerful experience. If it works for you, offer to do the same for your friend. Become listening buddies.

I do this once a week with a person I met on my non-violent communication course. We are ‘empathy buddies’. Every Friday we take half an hour, fifteen minutes each, to speak and be truly listened to in turn. At first I was cynical, what impact could fifteen minutes a week of talking to an almost stranger do for me that couldn’t be achieved by talking to my partner, my friends or a therapist? However, I have been amazed by the results. Small things I didn’t realise were bothering bubbled up. Once off my chest I felt lighter, happier and calmer. I might then discuss them later with others, but that fifteen minutes of deep listening, no judgement, no advice, has become sacred in my life. It is a tiny bubble of time that enables me to be truly heard. I highly recommend it. Whether you get a coach, or a therapist or a friend that deeply listens, we all deserve to be truly listened too; how will you make sure that you are heard?

Is it clarity or confidence that you need?

183:753452603 (Dominique De-Light) — Thu, 22 Aug 2019 10:42:12 GMT

Working on one will lead to improvement of the other.

For the last few months I’ve been wrestling with a book I’m trying to write. I’ve been in total confusion as to what to put in and what to leave out. I’ve felt as if I’m walking through a foggy wood; every tree was a story I wanted to include but I couldn’t see the way forward and so, in danger of knocking myself out on every tree I bumped into, I’d come to a complete halt. What I needed, I thought, was clarity.

If I could clarify the book’s overarching theme, its structure, create a step by step chapter plan, and then there would be no stopping me. Writing random excerpts as they popped into my head was fun but I couldn’t see the overall picture. This was resulting in confusion and self-doubt.

I spoke to other writers, got feedback from my writers’ group - great things to do if you’re developing a project – providing me with valuable insight and advice. This helped reassure me my project was worthwhile, but resulted in more questions than answers. Each night I woke wondering how to progress. After a month of this, I thought, ‘Dominique, you’re a coach, coach yourself!’ So, I opened a Word document on my laptop and had a coaching session with myself.

In coaching our words are often reflected back to us so that we can truly hear what we are saying, enabling us to absorb them or revise them. By writing my responses I got to reread my thoughts again and again. This enabled me to reflect deeply and see how my thinking changed over the session. I saw how I’d started the session desperate for clarity but how, with some probing; I was actually very clear on how to proceed. The issue that was holding me back was lack of confidence and fear. To continue the wood metaphor, the path was already laid out, fear was the mist, once the mist was taken away; it was obvious which direction I needed to take.

I was surprised by how easily clarity had come, though facing my fear will be harder work. And yet, I shouldn’t be surprised, because lack of confidence and fear is a coach’s daily bread. Clients come to me unsure of what to do, which direction to take, what to focus on. They talk of uncertainty, indecision and confusion. Yet as we work together people find the solutions to their problems and discover the answers they didn’t know they had. As this happens self-belief grows. We realise we have the resources within ourselves to deal with the issues we are facing.

My coaching session made me realise that I had the answers all along; I just had to overcome my fear and be confident about my decision. It wasn’t clarity I needed, it was self-belief. Confidence and clarity often walk hand in hand. Once you have one you have the other. Believing in yourself, being in touch with your instinct, having faith that your instinct is correct, reduces indecision and confusion. So if you don’t know whether you need confidence or clarity, try working on the former and latter usually follows. Or work on clarity with a coach and find your confidence increasing as a result.

Organising your space

Thu, 18 Jul 2019 15:54:26 GMT

Declutter and help clear your mind

I’m amazed by how often achieving a major ambition starts out with organising one’s space. Clients will come to me wishing to create new work, launch a new project, change their career, but when we get down to the nitty gritty, examining what may be holding them back, often physical clutter is up there with lack of confidence and lack of time. And it’s true, how can you focus on creating a new artwork if your studio is a mess? How can you have a clear mind if you’re surrounded by chaos? And how much time is wasted if you’re searching for your keys or that vital document you’ve misplaced? An organised environment helps you focus, reduces the time you spend looking for things and helps you feel calm and relaxed. Who wouldn’t want that?

Decluttering might seem boring, a distraction or a great displacement activity (and sometimes it is all three), but it can also teach us valuable life lessons. For starters, like all great jobs, if we consider all we have to do, it can feel overwhelming. So, like any big project, chunk it down into manageable steps. Do a desk drawer one day and your filing cabinet in stages.

You wouldn’t go on a marathon run without training or a holiday without packing, so when decluttering ensure you prepare. Decision making is exhausting. Facing memories can be draining. So give yourself enough time. Ensure you are well rested and well fed. Take breaks, eat snacks. Prepare to be tired. Getting rid of stuff can be easy, but if that stuff has an emotional story, a memory attached to it, a link to an old relationship, a memory of a loss, then it is very hard to give it away. Emotions creep up on us and before we know it, that thing we were about to chuck has us reaching for the tissues. Being mindful and staying in the present is vital – think about whether the item serves you now – not what it represents. Queen of decluttering, Marie Kondo, recommends asking whether the item gives you joy, if not, throw it out. If I followed that rule, there would be no toilet brushes in my house. Personally, I prefer the great socialist and Arts and Crafts pioneer, William Morris’ maxim, “ Have nothing in your houses that you do not know to be useful or believe to be beautiful .”

The following five tips can help you to have a more organised environment and a calmer mind.

1. Create positive habits. For example, put your keys in the same place every day so you don’t have to search for them every time you leave the house. Repeat your new habit for twenty one days to help it become a regular habit.

2. Do a ten minute purge. Set a timer or set aside ten minutes before you have to leave and focus solely on picking up items that can be thrown away. Don’t get distracted by stroking the cat, thinking of when you bought that souvenir, gazing at an old photo, just think, is this useful or beautiful? If not, chuck it away (as long as it belongs to you – if it doesn’t, consult them first – they might find it useful or beautiful, even if you don’t…). Then leave the space. You can also do this purge with a charity shop focus – what can you give away?

3. Be a stranger in your space . Enter your home or work space with the eyes of a stranger. Don’t judge, just observe. Are there things taking up too much space? Could you get rid of anything or tidy it away? What could you change?

4. Honour your work . Once you have cleaned up your space, respect your time; don’t let it get messy again. Hang up your clothes, file bills once they’re dealt with, create positive habits so that you don’t have to do a massive declutter again in six months’ time.

5. Learn to say no – another great life lesson that decluttering can help with. Are you always so busy that your personal space becomes a mess because you’re rushing after everyone else? By saying no to extra demands, (there’s always someone else that can be asked), we create more space for ourselves. This is not being selfish, it’s about self-care. As the saying goes, “ You can’t pour from an empty cup.”

Decluttering can be a displacement activity but it’s also great for helping you focus. If your messy environment is holding you back, commit to one small thing you can do within the next twenty four hours and help clear your mind.

Creating space in your life

Fri, 14 Jun 2019 09:05:14 GMT

Are you a slave to the ‘To Do’ list?

Have you ever had one of those days, (weeks, months, years), where you feel your life is one long ‘To Do’ list? There are tasks for work, for home, for your finances, even for your own personal self-development. There’s always something else to be done. If you’re like me, you yearn to get to the bottom of that list, believing that to finish means relaxation, being able to bask in the satisfaction of completion. Yet, we know deep down, that to complete everything would mean boredom or death. To finish all your work tasks, would mean no more work. Gardening, children, laundry, or finances, these things have no end, unless we die and that is not the sense of completion we’re looking for.

So, really rather than wanting our task list to end, or be complete, what we really want is for it to keep going, to keep having new work, new challenges, and new growth, as a continuing task list means that we’re living. So why do so many of us, myself included, feel the burden of the ‘To do’ list? There as a constant presence, weighing us down, whispering what we ‘should’ be doing; our own personal slave-driver cracking the whip.

If you relate to this, take a step back and reflect. ‘To Do’ lists are essential and part of life. That does not mean they need to dominate every thought, increase stress and pressure on oneself, snowball until they become overwhelming, leading to confusion, lack of focus and self-judgement. Give yourself a break!

No, I mean it. GIVE YOURSELF A BREAK! Psychologically, physically and virtually. ‘To Do’ lists are a way our rational minds create structure and attempt to impose order on a volatile, uncertain, complex and ambiguous world (otherwise known as the VUCA World ). They are, generally, a good thing, but if your ‘To Do’ list is getting you down, the best thing is to reduce the mental pressure and reconnect with your body. Take a physical break from your work, not just to scroll through your social media accounts, but to reconnect with your physical self and environment.

If you want more space in your life – to relax, to be creative, to spend time with loved ones, you need to be able to disconnect from your running task list and internal slave-driver. Whilst you’re thinking of the next thing that needs doing, you’re not truly present. If you’re not truly present whatever you’re doing/whoever you’re with, isn’t getting your full attention and it will have an impact – whether in the quality of your work or the quality of your relationships. So how can we increase the space in our lives? Switch off the constant nagging voice of our internal slave-driver?

Meditation is a great way to increase awareness of our thoughts and create a sense of calm and spaciousness in our lives. It can also really help with reducing anxiety, insomnia and critical thoughts. You don’t need to go on a week-long retreat, there are now a variety of apps, such as Headspace and Insight Timer, that give you immediate access to guided meditations on your phone - some as short as three minutes. Even a regular practice of just ten minutes a day can have a profound impact.

Ironically, taking time out gives you the sense of having more time. Being caught up in a sense of busyness makes us feel there is no time to spare. But taking time out, even if it is just ten minutes a day, to focus on our wellbeing, results in us being more productive, more focussed, more likely to enter a state of flow.

If meditation doesn’t appeal to you, try anything that gets you connecting with your body and your environment, whether that is exercise, dancing, massage or gardening. It doesn’t have to be long, it doesn’t have to be expensive; a walk round the block, a dance in the kitchen, a five minute self-administered face massage will all help – though if you can take more time out – a regular exercise class, weekly walks with a friend or visiting an art exhibition for example, all will nourish you, reducing your levels of stress, overwhelm and increase your productivity. So, if you want more space in your life, less stress and more focus, take time out for yourself. All plants need time, food and water to grow. If you starve yourself of what you need, how will you flourish and grow?

Getting into the flow

Thu, 09 May 2019 09:53:09 GMT

Flow state and how to access it

I always thought jigsaw puzzles were for small children or inhabitants of retirement homes. Yet recently, each time I passed a brightly coloured box decorated with a landscape scene with ‘500 pieces’ blazoned across the front, I felt oddly attracted to it. A few weeks ago I gave in and purchased a five hundred piece puzzle depicting flowers, butterflies and hummingbirds. It wasn’t the picture that persuaded me, that was as insipid as décor in your multi-national coffee chain; it was the thought of a challenge, of something totally not work related. Feeling slightly embarrassed, as if purchasing incontinence pads, I slipped the box into a bag and hurried off home. When I tumbled the five hundred pieces onto the kitchen table I wondered if this was it; had I finally left behind the rebelliousness of youth and succumbed to the degeneration of late middle age?

Yet as I joined the pieces a serene calmness descended over me. The focus of finding the next piece, the absorption of shape and picture recognition pushed all other worries from my mind. More wonderful still, was the almost magical ability of when I was totally absorbed, of picking up a piece and without even looking at it, knowing where it went. How could this be? It was as if my unconscious took over and my body knew what my brain was not yet conscious of.

This revelation, like a jigsaw piece slotting smoothly into its rightful gap, made me realise that jigsaws, life and creativity had much in common. How often do we feel, are we exhorted to, work hard, push harder, make a plan, focus, keep working until we reach our desired goal?

And yet, if we keep pushing a square peg into a round hole we only expend a lot of energy and increase our own frustration. Paul Linden , an expert in the field of somatic coaching, uses simple physical exercises to show how when we move with tension, with frustration, we use more energy, increase our stress and move less effectively. If we are calm and relaxed our movements are easier, we expend less energy and get to our goal more quickly.

By learning how to create calm body movements, responding rather than reacting to events, identifying our true goals rather than chasing those we feel we ‘should’ achieve, we can reduce unhealthy stress in our lives, and are more likely to achieve what we desire.

How often have you worked hard, pushed through and faced barriers and resistance? Maybe you have achieved what you wanted but at great personal cost? It’s not that we can sit back and expect things to come to us; we do need to work, but work smarter not harder. Be clearer about what we want to achieve, are the goals we aspire to our goals or those that others wish for us? We need to thoroughly think through how to get there, rather than reacting to whatever is thrown our way. Sure, take up opportunities, but not without thinking them through. Psychological resistance is a great tool that gives us the opportunity to explore why we are resisting. Is the resistance self-sabotage or is it telling us that that the activity isn’t what we really want to do? Self-awareness, deep thought and reflection can help us decide.

If you’re someone who is always rushing into things, over committing, facing burnout, how about trying another way? Holding back, seeing what opportunities present themselves and going with the flow?

Flow is the official scientific word for when our brain is in a relaxed creative state where solutions come easily. Some of the ways we can access it include meditating, being creative and, as I recently discovered, doing jigsaw puzzles. Flow is the optimum state for coming up with new ideas, resolving problems, and overcoming obstacles. It is a state I encourage in coaching through deep listening, somatic exercises and astute questioning.

Flow provides an energised focus and a sense of complete absorption; it is the brain’s most productive state leading to superior physical and cognitive performance. Flow can be experienced in application of your work, as long as the work is aligned to your sense of purpose, values and passions. Flow state can be measured scientifically – smoothing beta wave brain activity (which is spikey, fast and furious) to a calm, steady alpha wave (smooth and free flowing). In this alpha state, the noise generated by relentless neural firing dullens, literally creating the ‘headspace’ for fewer and deeper connections – shifting us from hyper -activity to hypo -activity – dramatically enhancing our focus and concentration.

So, if you want to work smarter, not harder, expend less energy to achieve your goals, my advice is to stop pushing so hard, stop working such long hours, spend more time accessing your brain’s flow state. The more you access flow, the more it becomes the norm, easier to access when facing a work problem or life dilemma. Find activities that enable you to access flow, whether that is tai chi or painting, and in time you will find solutions and your goals will become easier to achieve. For me, that means I’ll be doing a lot more jigsaw puzzles.

If you had six months to live

Tue, 19 Mar 2019 13:40:40 GMT

Living life without regrets

**Trigger warning** This blog includes an incident of domestic violence and discusses terminal illness; please look after yourself if this might trigger memories or strong feelings in you.

There’s nothing quite like impending death to make you reassess your life. I’ve had a fair few brushes with the grim reaper, that’s a risk you take when you’re a cyclist on Britain’s roads. But my most life changing moment was when someone I loved, who I thought, loved me, made an attempt on my life.

It was a starry Caribbean night and we were on the ferry from Trinidad to Tobago. My boyfriend at the time was a jealous and paranoid man. When he saw me take a seat next to another male passenger he assumed the worst and flew into an unprovoked rage. He dragged me to a deserted part of the ship and attempted to strangle me.

Though that moment is one of the least pleasant of my life, it was the moment that changed me forever. As his fingers pressed into my neck and I felt the steel railing of the boat’s deck cut into my back and the sound of the sea slapping the boat below, I knew then that this relationship was over and that I would do whatever it took to survive.

It took time to escape that relationship, it took further time to seek help but it was that moment, when I stared death in the face, that I knew I had to change my life. Change the poor choices I was making, change the patterns I was trapped in and change my behaviour, if I was to survive and thrive.

I consider myself lucky that I had this epiphany. Many of us are so busy with our lives, the practicalities, the dreams and the fears, that we conveniently forget that we won’t be around forever. Occasionally we have a rude reminder; loved ones dying, accidents or health problems.

What would you do differently if your doctor told you tomorrow that you had six months left to live? Would you think, ‘Nothing – I love my life, my work, I spend enough time with those I love’? Or would you give up your job, follow a dream and spend more time with loved ones? It’s a good exercise to consider because it makes us focus on what’s important and highlights if we’re wasting time on irrelevant things.

Many people who do this exercise realise that they’re not happy with their jobs. That they have drifted into work that doesn’t deeply fulfil them, or that work that once fulfilled them has lost its edge. Or that they love their jobs but feel they could have more impact if only the circumstances were different. Isn’t it odd that generally we only get careers advice once in our lives, when we are teenagers on the brink of choosing subjects that are supposed to map out our interests for the rest of our lives? We have barely lived and yet we are expected to know what we want to do; our thoughts influenced by family and peers, our values still embryonic and yet to be fully tested. So many of us sleepwalk into subjects, jobs, qualifications on the basis of this ‘advice’ or suggestions made by friends or families. How often do we really examine our values, our priorities and what’s important to us?

If you want to improve your life, think about what you would do if you had a terminal diagnoses from your doctor. Think about the values that are important to you. Think about your work/life balance (check out the wheel of life exercise I have on my resources page ). If any of your answers are out of sync with your current life then consider what changes you could make, because no one wants to look back on a life with regret. Take it from someone who very nearly lost their life, don’t sleepwalk through yours. You have the power to choose your own path and change your direction. And if you need a little help working out those values, that work/life balance, your true purpose, find a coach that can support you.

The best present you can give yourself this Christmas

Tue, 26 Feb 2019 12:15:21 GMT

Time to look after yourself

Tis the season to be jolly, stressed and overwhelmed. With presents to buy, festive food to prepare, late night socialising and increased food and alcohol intake, by the time we get to Boxing Day, we can feel frazzled, exhausted and a long way from the good health and wellbeing wished for us in Christmas cards. So, this year, give yourself the present of self-care.

Coaching clients come to me for all sorts of reasons; professional development, lack of confidence, clarifying creative projects – whatever they present with many end up talking about their work/life balance. The desire to succeed, the demands of family, and the distractions of social media – everyone is busy these days and no rest is in sight. And in all this busyness; developing our careers, caring for families, keeping up with others; we lose sight of ourselves. Self-care drops down the priority list and before long we’re tired, resentful and downright grumpy.

Time and time again, I work with clients who question, ‘how can I meet everyone’s needs including my own?’ Coaching is often sold on achieving your goals, being successful, maximising your potential; this starts with looking after yourself. If you are not at your best, you will never achieve your best. As the saying goes, “you can’t pour from an empty cup, take care of yourself first.” Self-care isn’t selfish, quite the opposite, you can give more if you have more to give.

My own periods of poor health and lack of self-care taught me valuable life lessons and inspired my desire to support other’s positive mental health and wellbeing. Firstly, using my writing knowledge to encourage people to write about their experiences, then running an arts charity to support artists and writers, often with mental health problems, to use their creativity to aid their recovery and now as a coach, working with people to achieve the work/life balance they desire. Even those driven by career goals quickly realise that they’ll be more productive if they are less stressed and incorporate down time and self-care into their routines. Self-care isn’t just bubble baths and pamper days, though that might work for you. For some, it may mean more time to daydream, exercise or be creative. For others, it maybe sorting out their finances, practicing meditation or learning to say no to other’s demands.

Consult your body, what do you need? Is it rest or physical activity? What does your heart say? Do you yearn to paint or write that novel you’ve always dreamed of? We’re good at ignoring our bodies, taking them for granted whilst our brain gets on with being busy, but if we stop and take note, they can tell us what we really want, what will really satisfy us and make us happy.

Maybe a ten day meditation or creative retreat is out of the question, if you’re time and money poor. But can you give yourself a little holiday every day? One hour, even 30 minutes, of the day that is yours to do with what you wish? A brief window to daydream, write, meditate, exercise – whatever floats your boat? If this could work for you, set yourself a timeframe – when will you start? The first week of January? This week? Today? Commit to that date, you’ll be far more likely to do it than if you just say you’ll get round to it at some point. Then relax, because you’ve just given yourself the best Christmas present ever – a commitment to look after yourself.

This post was first published on 19th December 2018 on www.a-n.co.uk/blogs/working-as-a-coach/

A New Year, a new you?

Tue, 26 Feb 2019 12:15:19 GMT

How to make real, lasting, change to your life

After the indulgence of Christmas comes the annual round of self-recriminations and desire to do better. Resolutions are set, gym memberships bought and diet books are dusted down. Enquiries to therapists, personal trainers and coaches spike this month as people focus on self-improvement. As we know deep down, this interest rarely lasts; New Year resolutions are quickly abandoned. Three weeks into January – are you still following yours?

Change is hard. Especially in cold, wet, winter months when money is tight. External change, decorating a room, changing hairstyle, losing a few pounds, is always easier than internal change, because the results are quickly seen and it’s clear how to go about it – go to your local DIY store, hairdressers or cut down on food and exercise more. But how do we achieve real lasting change from within?

Perhaps you are someone who finds it hard to complete a project. Or do you struggle to get started? No matter how hard you try, do you find yourself putting other people’s needs before your own? Are you too busy working, looking after the kids, dealing with email and social media to do that project you’ve always dreamed of? There are so many demands on our time, so many restrictions whether it is money, space or resources. Surely these external factors need to change before we can achieve our dreams?

Or do they? In a coaching session we explore what is holding you back. There are always many barriers but the biggest and most common is lack of confidence and self-belief. Understanding ourselves and what makes us tick is the first step to changing our internal landscape. Self-awareness allows us to notice what we want to keep and what no longer serves us. Limiting self-beliefs are sneaky. Often established during childhood, they loiter in our subconscious, ready to trip up our dreams. Deep listening and astute questioning draw them out into the day light, allowing us to examine them for what they are – beliefs that are no longer relevant, that are holding us back. Once faced, explored, prodded and poked, a limiting belief loses its power. Through the right questions, maybe an exercise or two, new ideas, new solutions, come to mind. Suddenly, those barriers to that project aren’t as huge and looming as before. Further work enables us to break down what needs to be done into achievable small steps. From feeling it’s impossible and not knowing where to start, your issue becomes tangible; your idea realistic, an action plan is formed.

To embed internal change, it is not enough to talk, it is important to do. One can explore the fear of public speaking, break down old beliefs, create an action plan of how to give the best speech ever, but it’s not until you’re up on that podium receiving a round of applause, that you will really believe that you can do it. But that outcome has to start with work on yourself. What would you like to change? What is holding you back?

This new year, how about a resolution to work on your internal self? When your beliefs change, and thoughts change, you change. When you change, anything is possible. What could 2019 hold for you?

This post was first published on the 21st January 2019 on www.a-n.co.uk/blogs/working-as-a-coach/

How peer coaching can help your artistic practice

Tue, 26 Feb 2019 12:15:04 GMT

Peer coaching groups for underrepresented artists and writers

This guest blog was written to promote the peer coaching courses I will be delivering to underrepresented artists and writers this spring/summer. The work is funded by the Arts Council, England, and The Emergence Foundation, and delivered in partnership with Creative Future.

Are you a writer or an artist that sometimes struggles with self-belief? As in, “I love creating artwork/stories/paintings/photographs/novels but are they any good?” Or maybe you have a million ideas and you can’t decide which one to focus on? Or perhaps you’re facing the opposite dilemma; the blank page, the unmarked canvas; will you ever have another good idea again? Welcome to the world of being creative. You are not alone in any of these thoughts. The most successful artists and writers face these thorny issues regularly, but they work through them and come out the other side. Of course, established artists have their past success to encourage them, how do emerging or mid-career creatives clamber over this rocky path?

There are many different methods, but a peer support group is a great way to reduce your isolation, talk over your issues with those that know them intimately and be bolstered by the knowledge that you are not facing these challenges alone. And whilst it’s true that a tea or coffee with a fellow creative can do you a world of good, a more structured support group, using coaching methods, can really develop your creative work and your personal self-development.

This spring, with the support of Creative Future, I will be establishing peer coaching groups for writers and artists in Brighton, Crawley, Hastings and Horsham. Drawing on many years of supporting artists and writers as the Director of Creative Future, and recent training as an accredited coach, I will be teaching coaching techniques to participants, enabling them to establish a peer coaching group that can support them through tricky dilemmas and personal growth.

These groups will not be workshopping, creating or critiquing, we will be learning what makes us tick; how to access and maximise our creative flow. How to achieve our goals by using the resources we already have and how to create a peer coaching group that can support us long after the initial sessions are over. If you participate, you may choose to share a creative dilemma or explore how to find more time for your creative work. You choose the issue; the group will help you find the solution – not by advising you, but by asking astute questions which will get you thinking how to resolve the problem. Coaching, whether 1:1 or in a group, is an empowering process – the person who brings the issue gets to work out the solution – via a safe space with structured questions and attentive listeners. By being part of a group, participants also get the chance to learn from each other, network with creatives and learn key coaching skills – valuable for all life relationships, not just creative ones.

I’ve seen magic happen in the coaching process. I’ve experience it for myself too, breaking through years of ‘stuckness’, creative blocks and personal dilemmas. But don’t just take my word for it, here’s what some of the creatives I’ve worked with have said about being coached;

" The sessions have really helped me focus my priorities and to finally get to grips with my work/life balance, Dominique's very warm, sensitive approach and her ability to help find the right toools from within to get that clarity is just amazing - the sessions helped to unlock my own ideas and also helped me to realise my own potential. Having the space and support to reflect and refocus has been a very empowering experience. I now feel that I am finally on the right track moving forward, and for that I will be eternally grateful ." Jenni

" Dominique's coaching changed my mind set; from blocked and stuck, to open and lateral thinking. I went from pure frustration to excitement! Through her coaching methods I was able to identify what was holiding me back and work on a plan of action. I have achieved breakthrough already !" Maria.

If this sounds like something that would benefit you, book your place on the Creative Future peer coaching groups, there are limited places available, so act fast! Normally, coaching costs hundreds of pounds but this amazing opportunity is available for FREE. We’ve no idea whether it will get funded again, so grab the chance now. I guarantee it will change your life for the better.

For more information see the following links:

Peer coaching group for artists , Brighton, starts 8th March, 5 sessions - FULLY BOOKED
Peer coaching group for writers , Brighton, starts 22nd March, 5 sessions
Peer coaching group for writers , Horsham, starts 1st April, 3 sessions
Peer coaching group for writers , Hastings, starts 8th April, 3 sessions
Peer coaching group for writers , Crawley, starts 29th April, 3 sessions

This post was originally published on the 22nd February 2018 on the Creative Future website .

The sound of silence; challenging limiting beliefs

Tue, 26 Feb 2019 10:30:25 GMT

Rewriting your internal script.

One of my favourite sounds as a coach is the sound of silence – the heavy pregnant silence of a person thinking. A silence so loud one hears the cogs whirring of a person deep in thought. Silence in coaching is not what Simon and Garfunkel wrote in their song, Sound of Silence . It is not “ People talking without speaking, People listening without hearing ”, it is the very opposite – people speaking their inner most thoughts, the coach deeply listening to facilitate reflection and ask insightful questions.

Exploring goals, probing assumptions, breaking down limiting beliefs, these things take a special kind of silence. To really listen one must silence oneself and focus solely on the speaker. Silence one’s judgements, assumptions, desire to advise, rescue and mend. The Chinese character ‘To listen’ is made up of the Chinese symbols for ears, eyes, heart and undivided attention – a coach has to use all of these to listen actively for the client’s benefit.

It is through this special silence, this active listening and consequent reflection and questioning, that enables the speaker to identify options, resources, and ways to succeed. Through this subtle, yet intense, deep listening, deep thought occurs. The metaphorical penny drops. ‘It can’t be done’ turns into ‘it can be done’. A limiting belief melts away; the eyes light up, the voice lightens, the energy in the room shifts.

These are the moments that inspire me; where the impossible becomes possible, where realisation dawns. We may not always get to see ‘the penny drop’, but we hear of it in follow up sessions, and sometimes, often, we don’t; people find reasons for holding onto limiting beliefs and long held assumptions. And that’s ok too, more thought, more probing, more talking and listening is required. When I decided to train as a coach, I decided to challenge a limiting belief of my own – that “I was not a runner”. I exercised, I swam, I cycled, but I didn’t run. I thought it boring, difficult and hard work. But if I was going to challenge other’s limiting beliefs I needed to challenge my own so, I downloaded the couch to 10k app, and started the training programme.

At first it was easy – walk for five minutes, run for two, walk for five, run for two, not in the least bit challenging and I quickly became complacent. Slowly, without realising, I built my strength, found myself enjoying escaping family life for half an hour a couple of times a week and as the running increased I realised to my surprise I was enjoying myself. Time slipped away and suddenly I was at week twelve of a sixteen week programme running 8k two or three times a week. I put myself down for a 10k run. Anxiety flooded through my brain, I wouldn’t be able to do it; I wasn’t a runner. “Silence,” I told myself. “Stick with it. I can do this. I can”. I didn’t believe myself but quietly kept training. The run came and went and I did it. I felt the flush of accomplishment as I’d never run an official race in my life and to do so at the age of 46 was a real achievement. But still, I wasn’t ‘a runner’. It was a one off, the culmination of my training plan.

It was on my holiday, a few months later, as I was running alongside Lake Garda at 6.30am gulping lungful’s of air in 30 degree heat, that it dawned on me. I was ‘a runner’. Holidays used to mean lie-ins, now I dreamed of running, woke excited, eager to explore my new destination in my running shoes. I had no training programme to complete, no race to prepare for, I was running for enjoyment. I had fallen in love with the rhythm of pounding footsteps, the satisfaction of ticking off kilometres, of feeling my body in motion. As sweat ran down my face the words “I am a runner,” repeated in my head. A smile spread across my face. That heavy pregnant silence of an exploding limiting belief clanged loudly in my brain. Quickly followed by the thought, if I can change this, what else can I change? Anything was possible. Everything became possible. Life suddenly looked a lot brighter. And that is why I love being a coach. Through silence, listening, working alongside the client, one can see lives transform, the impossible happen, the stuck, shift.

I’m eternally grateful for a-n providing me with the bursary to train as an accredited coach, it has changed my life for the better and I hope, as a coach, I will enable others to change their lives for the better too.

This post was originally published on the 18th October 2018 on www.a-n.co.uk/blogs/working-as-a-coach/

Getting to the heart of the matter.

Tue, 26 Feb 2019 10:30:25 GMT

Finding our true purpose.

How do I, as coach, get to the heart of the matter? How do we, as humans, work out our true purpose? Big questions that deserve big thinking, for my own life as well as for every client I work with. If we feel fulfilled we feel happier. If we are spending time on the things that matter to us, whether it is work, family or friends, we are more content – especially if we get the balance right – and that balance can be the trickiest thing to achieve. So, when a client walks through my door, full of ideas, plans, difficulties and/or doubt, where do we begin? Where is the focus of the session?

I have been sent emails by clients listing multiple issues, which one, they ask, should they explore? I have faced competent, capable, consultants overwhelmed with projects and ideas, unsure of what to focus on. With so much competing for our time; work, commissions, family, friends, social media, health, news (the list could go on and on); how do we identify what we truly wish to spend our energy on? “Where the focus goes, the energy flows,” said Tony Robbins, life and business strategist and bestselling author.

Is your focus on the right thing? Imagine the small stuff in your life was sand and the big ambitions were pebbles. You have one life, represented by a large jam jar. If you fill up your time with all the small stuff, such as endless emails or checking social media, the jar fills quickly with sand until there is no space for pebbles. But if you put the pebbles in first – the things that matter to you most – that artwork you’ve always wanted to create, the book you’ve always wanted to write – sure, the pebbles fill up the jar too, but there’s space in-between for the sand.

So how do we work out where we should focus? What our true purpose is? People come to coaching for many reasons but these questions underpin all the work. It is the scaffolding from which we build our lives. Like many people, I spend a lot of time thinking, reading, contemplating and analysing, all very useful, all very cerebral. In my previous life, as a writer and an arts charity director, I’d spend hours, hunched over a computer screen, my body a vehicle for my brain. During working hours I wouldn’t give my body much thought; as long as it was fed, dressed appropriately and relatively comfortable, it was doing its job. My body only grabbed my attention if it hurt, was ill, being exercised, massaged or lovingly touched. I never thought it had a role in my life’s purpose. Until now.

I have been learning a great deal about embodiment or somatics, as it sometimes called – being aware of our bodies from the inside out, our posture, breathing, hand gestures, our internal state. How we feel, how we relate, how we are. These physical and internal attributes can really help us find our true purpose, if we take the time to become aware and listen to them.

What might this look like in a coaching session? As well as reflecting words I may reflect hand gestures or head movements, raising the coachee’s awareness of how their body really feels. A classic case might be someone saying, “I really want to do this,” but they’re shaking their head. Often we’re unaware of the messages our bodies are giving, by drawing attention to it, we can connect with our true selves and really consider how we feel. If a client feels stuck or overwhelmed I might ask if they want to do a centring or grounding exercise – a breathing and body awareness technique which neuroscience researchers have identified shifts our thinking; enabling better decision making, problem solving, access to our intuition, emotional regulation and empathy. If a client is rationalising, explaining, talking in circles around an issue, which we all have a tendency to do, I might focus on the here and now. Asking questions such as; how do you feel when you say XXX? Where do you feel XXX? How connected are you to what you have said? This enables the coachee to really access what their body is telling them.

Or I might just ask, “What does your heart say?” Science has proven the heart has its own brain and communicates to the body via the nervous system, hormones, biomechanical and energetic information. Your heart has its own neurons, neurotransmitters, proteins and support cells, just like your brain. Neuroscience researchers have found that when our brain waves and heart/body rhythms are out of sync we feel stressed and frazzled. By becoming aware of our bodies, taking time to notice our posture, our breathing, our internal state, we can resync our brain/body systems, enabling better self-awareness, access to our intuition and what our hearts, and authentic selves, really want. By focusing on what our bodies are telling us we bypass our tricksy brain, (that can think of a million reasons to not get on with what we really want), creating a short cut to our true selves. And when we know our authentic self, that is when the magic happens; when inspiration hits and transformation occurs. The stuck gets shifted, the unknown becomes known and answers present themselves. That is when we get to the heart of the matter and find our true purpose.

This post was first published on 23rd November 2018 on https://www.a-n.co.uk/blogs/working-as-a-coach/

23 November 18